Check out this helpful post by my friend Coley at adoption.com’s Crisis Pregnancy blog. She discusses the origins of several of the terms used to refer to the women who give birth to and place their child for adoption:
- birth mother
- first mother
- lifemother
- natural mother
Which term do you prefer and why? When you submit your comment, please share your connection to adoption.
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{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
I vary. I prefer first mother/firstmother/firstmom. But, I respond to birth mother/birthmother/birth mom. I never got “into” lifemother but I get those who do prefer it and their reasonings. And I can’t handle natural mother. Don’t use it. Don’t like it. (But obviously, respect those that wish to be called such.)
Dunno, my adoption was under not so pleasant circumstances so I don’t even call them that! Egg & Sperm donors when I’m having good days about it, worse when I’m not! But then again I’m a foster adoption so I guess that nutshells that.
First mother is my favorite term however in my day to day writings and speaking, I use birthmother as it is most common.
I prefer the term first mother. Natural mother just sounds unnatural to me and life mother doesnt seem right to me.
Well, this is a touchy subject to me. The reason: when my children that we adopted entered into our home as our children they also entered into our hearts as our children and with all due respect to women who chose adoption, I would say that a mother is a person who rears and nurtures their child. I know there is much gray area with this but I feel my children have one mother and that is me. I am a Mom to one domestic adoption, five international adoptions, and two children I birthed. I believe it confuses a child to say he/she has two Moms and/or two Dads. However, at the same time, I acknowledge to my children that God chose another woman and man to bring he/she to us. I do have a relationship with one of the women and she understands that she gave up the right to be called Mom when she chose adoption. And we have a good relationship. And I say again, this is with all due respect to women who chose adoption. Without that choice, I know my husband and I would have missed six miracles from God!
I prefer ‘biological parents’. I agree with Aimee. While I respect greatly (more than anything) the choices and decisions that my son’s biological parents made, the right to be called “Mom” or “Dad” is based on the parenting that we are doing, not a pregnancy. Again, this is said with love, admiration and respect for the people that are faced with a decision and choose placement for adoption.
Wow, your readers might benefit from reading the birthparent blog or talking to the Munchkin.
Ouch.
I am an adopted child and I use the term “birth mother”. She gave birth to me (thank you, thank you–I so hope I get to tell her that in person someday!!) and I am grateful. As my children were born, the choice she made to give me life became even more precious.
I have an adopted son from Russia and he was an orphan. I guess we have been refering to his biological mother as “birth mother”. I’m not too concerned about this issue though because he calls me Mommy and my husband Daddy and that’s all he’ll ever know.
I’m never sure what word to use. I have an interesting situation where I am adopting my step-children. Even though I am their every day mom, and have been for as long as they can remember, they still know and see their “other mommy.” She lives in another country, but she calls and sends emails and sometimes visits. They even visit her parents on a regular basis. So it’s weird to me to detach her so much as to call her the “biomom” or “birthmom.” We just call her “Mommy Mellissa.”
Aimee, I really understand how you feel. In a perfect world no child would have two moms or two dads. And I especially find it hard to use the “Mom” word on women who lost their children due to abuse or neglect, or who abandoned their children (big difference between abandoning and giving up for adoption). I know you’re waiting for the but — there isn’t one. It wouldn’t make sense in my situation, but I understand why you feel that way.
I agree with Aimee — I’m most comfortable with “birthparent”. Every situation is different, of course, but in my case (adopted domestically as a newborn) and my sons (both adopted from Russia as toddlers from orphanages), none of us ever really had another “mother” other than the mother who adopted us. Yes, I agree that technically speaking, any woman who has borne a child is a “mother”, but I tend to define motherhood by one’s actions AFTER birth. In our lives, the women who gave birth to us never did any other “motherly” action after that. In my sons’ cases, their “birthmothers” didn’t choose to “place” them for adoption — they were abandoned, which is very different.
However, having said all that, it’s not a subject that I find really worthy of a debate. I’m their mom. My (adoptive) mom is my mom. Yes, there are other female human beings involved in our presence on this earth, but their names and designations are not what I focus on in my daily journeys.
That’s just my opinion and I would never critique anyone else’s decisions that differ from mine.
I am a Mom through adoption. We refer to our kiddos’ First Moms by their first name at their First Mom’s request. Even though we don’t have much contact (not by our choice) we still use their names frequently so they know who they are. Obviously I prefer the term First Mom. I do use Birth Mom when talking to people not that familiar with adoption just because it is more common.
I like first mother for that is what my five year has given to us as we have started to explain her being apart of our family from different ethnic backgrounds. She is noticing her skin tone to be different and is asking questions herself. In our taliking this what she has presented to our family as comfortable to her.
Nettie
I prefer Bioligical Mother because it sounds better than the others I think.
WELL.
I must say some of these responses are horribly insulting.
“…with all due respect to women who chose adoption, I would say that a mother is a person who rears and nurtures their child.”
I’m sorry, but that in NO WAY gives me any amount of respect. Where, exactly, are you seeing respect in that statement–or was that just a toss-away phrase you threw in there, to appear more pc?
I mean, how would YOU take the comment, “With all due respect to women who raise adopted children, I would say that a mother is one who conceives and carries a child”? (Right. Doesn’t sound like there is ANY due respect there for you, does it?)
Because, you know, the freakin’ dictionary disagrees with you. Even the gosh darn dictionary allows us our motherhood.
As for this “being confusing” thing? No. It’s not. And I am so sick of people who are NOT in fully integrated, open adoptions spouting their opinions about how acknowledging two moms is “confusing” for the kids, when obviously these people have never tried it… and meanwhile, those of us LIVING it can say with absolute certainty that it is NOT confusing.
Yeah, the whole “confusing” argument? It’s a cop-out.
I’m a mother. In fact, I’m a mommy. My relinquished daugther might never call me mom or mommy (though I’d be more surprised if she never did, frankly, than if she did…) but it doesn’t change the fact that I AM a mommy.
My motherhood does not diminish your motherhood, just as yours does not diminish mine. Quit fearing it. It can coexist with yours quite nicely, if you let it… and in a way that benefits our kids.
We use birthmom and birthdad, firstmom and firstdad, their first names with our daughter. She calls us “mom and dad” and says that they’re her “mom and dad” too. Lifemom feels awkward and natural mom feels unnatural.
I figure if we give her lots of options, she’ll find the language that fits her the best. Her choice of what to call them may change as she grows, as her understanding of her relationship to them develops, and how she feels.
She just announced that she’s going to send a mother’s day card to her firstmom rather than a birthmother’s day card because, “Mitzie’s my mom, too, right?” Rock on, BabyGirl! A child can never have too many people in her live who love her.
I’m 34 and have a close relationship with my adoptive mother. 6 weeks ago I found my Birth Mother, and I found myself calling her Mom. This was very confusing to myself at first, but when my birth mother asked me a favor, all she wanted was to here me say Mom, I said “I Love you Mom” and I meant it. I have since come to realize that in my mind I always had two Mothers, and now I have them both in my life, my life is complete, and I will work to bring the two halves of my family together, and help them understand how much this has done for my self esteem and identity. Every Adoptee should find their First Mother, and every adoptive Mother should try to understand, and trust their adopted child enough to allow them with out guilt to find their other half.
I am adopted, I found my birth mother about 6 mths ago, It was going well at first, then after meeting a few times, she wanted me to call her mum and my kids to call her granny, i have two very young kids. I said no and explained my reason, but she wont take no for an answer, and has said some horrible things. My adoptive parents are my mum and dad, I seriously dont understand any one called a stranger mum. that is a name thats earnt.
to any one out there whos tracing birth relatives, just be carefull, always be aware that the out come might not be what you expect. It opens a can of worms. Look at it like an unexpected parcel, you cant wait to open it, to see whats in side, but the lid can never go back on.Always make sure you have a social worker/good friend to see you through and help deal with your emotions.
I am glad I found my birth mother, but she put so many conditions on our relationship, which is not fair to me or kids.
xx
Not talking about respect for any of the mothers(although all mothers desrve respect) but how about respect for the child that in reality DOES have 2 mothers. No amount of denial or protesting will change that, when adoption is involved. How ever the relationships play out, how ever “bad or good” the birth or amoms are the child still has 2 mothers. So while adoptive moms may want to minimze birthmoms or birthmoms want to minize amoms its really the childs(who grows to be an adult…I know I am one)who is being minimized. Be thank ful for your children in that they are who they are based upon their birth and adoptive state. As you as parents try to confirm your place with the child the child needs to confirm who they are based upon two REAL mothers.
Give the kid a break.
I recently-4 years ago traced my birth mother ,who relinquished me in 1961 and we have shared a pleasant reunion although lately there have been a number of subtle pressures imposed upon me from her and other family members whom I have met.
I call her my birth mother ,because that is what she is….and there are some very interesting connections that one can make with a genetically related person .She is however ,not my ‘mother’ -altho’ this is the current problem that I am facing -she has not earned this title physically or emotionally and will always ,unfortunately remain just the woman who gave birth to me.
I’m an adoptee, an adoptive mom, and a blogger. I try to use “first mom/mother” on my blog because I consider it to be the most respectful of the terms, but I also use frequently “bio/biological mom/parent,” and sometimes “birth mom/mother” seems the best fit. I tend to call my daughter’s other mother her “first mother,” but I am more apt to refer to my own bio mom as my “birth mother” (for reasons that I explain here: http://rebecca-hawkes.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-birth-mother-doesnt-like-term-birth.html).
BTW, both mothers are “real” mothers!
“The adoptive mother believes she is the real mother because she is the one who got up in the middle of the night and was there for the child in sickness and health. The birth mother believes she is the real mother because she went through nine months of sculpting the child within her body and labored to bring it forth into the the world. They are both right. The adoptive mother who loves and cares for the child is the real mother. And the birth mother who never forgets her child is the real mother…. By denying that adoptees have two real mothers, society denies them their reality.” – Betty Jean Lipton, Journey of the Adopted Self
http://rebecca-hawkes.blogspot.com/2011/10/lets-get-real-embracing-duality-in.html
Rebecca Hawkes´s last [type] ..A Few Thoughts on Domestic Infant Adoption