Over the past 17 years, we have exchanged birthday and Christmas gifts with our sons’ birth families. During the first two years after adopting our oldest son, our adoption agency served as the middleman for all correspondence exchanged. After that, we mutually decided to open our adoption and began communicating (and exchanging gifts) directly.

Here are five recommendations, based on our family’s experiences:

1.  Ask permission to exchange gifts.

If you’re an adoptive parent, keep in mind that your child’s birth parent(s) are probably not nearly as wealthy as you are. While it’s important for your child’s birth parent(s) to know you care, sending an extravagant gift can make a birth parent feel awkward.

Some birth parents may feel as if you’re sending them a “payoff” to thank them for letting you adopt their child. Others may feel obligated to reciprocate by sending an expensive gift of their own—a gift they can’t afford to purchase.

Birth family members, too, can go overboard and can even develop unhealthy gift-giving “competitions.” The grandma on the birth father’s side, for instance, might hear that the grandma on the birth mother’s side sent five expensive presents, so she sends ten expensive presents. The adoptive family, overwhelmed with loads of gifts, may respond by requesting that no gifts be sent. Then everyone feels hurt, confused, and unhappy.

It’s best to be completely honest with one another regarding the times of year you’ll exchange gifts (your child’s birthday is the most important time), the amount of gifts you’ll send (one gift is appropriate), and even, the cost of the gift (agree to spend $50 or less…or $20 or less).

2.  Include gift receipts.

This may sound totally tacky, but it works for our family (when I say “family,” I mean adoptive and birth families). Because adoptive and birth families may not visit one another in person, it’s hard to judge how quickly a child is growing…to know what size he’s wearing this week or whether he’s fixated on Beanie Babies, books, or baseball cards.

We sometimes receive well-intended, but inappropriate gifts: clothes that are the wrong size (or the wrong color or style, according to our fashion-conscious sons), movie DVDs that are inappropriate for their ages, or toys they grew out of playing with years ago. It’s awkward to tell a child’s birth grandparent or birth parent, “Er—you know that PG-13 video you sent?  Well, he’s only 10 and we don’t allow him to watch PG-13 movies.”

Agreeing to include gift receipts eliminates awkwardness and allows the recipient to exchange the gift for something more appropriate.

We’ve taught our children that when they receive gifts that they already own (another common occurrence) or that will need to be exchanged, to simply smile and say, “Thank you for the gift. I really appreciate it.”

3.  Write thank-you notes.

I confess; we often forget to follow through with writing thank-you notes. Our sons hate to write (they assume that having a mother who’s a professional writer covers any writing they’ll have to do for the rest of their lives). I practically have to chain them to the chair and threaten them with bodily harm to get them to write thank-you notes.

And yes, I’m referring to the hand-written notes you send through postal mail! It doesn’t matter whether the note simply says, “Dear Grandma, Thank you for the gift. Love Jessica.” Your child’s birth family will love seeing her cute handwriting and/or drawings. Include a photo of the child (a candid snapshot or a wallet-sized portrait is perfect) with the thank-you note.

Most computers come with rudimentary photo-editing software. You can scan a photo of your child or download a digital photo and print out your own custom photo thank-you cards. I’ve had birth grandparents tell me that the photo card resides on their mantle year-round, and that the artwork my children enclose hold a place of honor on their fridge.

4.  Send handmade or “family tradition” gifts whenever possible.

Whoever coined the phrase, “It’s the thought that counts” was dead-on. I can barely remember the truckloads of train sets, Legos, clothes, and gift cards our sons have received from their respective birth families. But I think of Josh’s birth grandma every day when I see him snuggling beneath the quilt she sewed for him a couple of years ago. And I think of Ben’s birth grandma when I see the baby blanket she gave him when he was a newborn, stuffed next to his pillow.

One birth grandma sends our son a silver dollar “from Santa” to put in his Christmas stocking every year. It’s a simple, inexpensive gift, but it’s part of her family tradition—she does the same thing for her sons. Our son loves digging that silver dollar out of his stocking (which he pretends is “from Santa”); he now has a silver dollar that represents each year of his life.

Another birth grandma treats our sons to handmade Halloween, Easter, and Christmas baskets every year. Our sons rip into these gifts with delight. The baskets (or bags) usually contain little trinkets from the dollar store, some candy, and a brief, handwritten note from Grandma. But they don’t care. For them, the excitement is in:

1) anticipating the gift
2) opening the box to see what cool thing Grandma thought of this year
3) knowing Grandma and Grandpa love them

I am not a “crafty” person; sewing machines, pincushions, knitting needles and glue guns send me running the other direction, fast. But I love to take pictures, especially pictures of my kids. I upload my favorite shots of my sons to Shutterfly and create custom photo calendars for each birth parent and grandparent. They tell me that they love the calendars and that they never throw them out.

5.  Include additional children in the gift exchange.

We have two sons, adopted from different birth families. Ben’s birth mom is married and has three additional children. Josh’s birth parents have two additional children. We’re also in contact with several sets of birth grandparents and great grandparents, as well as a few aunts, uncles, and cousins. That amounts to what could be a lot of gift-giving.

As our families have continued to grow, we’ve agreed to exchange gifts just among the children. So we give gifts to the birth parents’ children and they give gifts to both our children.

Some people think this is weird and ask, “Why would a birth parent give a gift to a child who isn’t theirs?”

I reply, “Because our sons’ birth parents are thoughtful.” They imagine how difficult it would be for one child to get an ultra-cool gift from them and for the other child to receive nothing.

Trust me; kids have gift radar and they sense instantly whether one person is “getting shafted.” They may even hold it over their sibling: “My birth mom likes me better than she likes you.”  Or: “My birth mom loves me more than your birth mom loves you.”  Or (to a sibling who was not adopted): “My birth mom sends me presents, but since you’re not her birth child, you don’t get any.”

We give gifts to our sons’ biological siblings, as well (we usually
give Christmas gifts because it’s hard to keep track of all the
birthdays). Why? Because we like to. And because we truly are part of one
another’s extended family.

This guest column, “Remembering the Reason,” will help adoptive parents understand adoption from the perspective of a birth mom. Reprinted from the BirthMom Buds Bulletin, July 2009, with permission from BirthMom Buds and the author, Brie M.

There are many reasons why an expectant mother makes an adoption plan for her baby. At the top of thelist is usually the desire for her baby to have a better life than she is able to provide at that time in her life. In the open adoptions of today, the birthmother looks through many profiles to find just the right couple to provide the best life possible for the baby. The adoptive family is chosen, and the birthmother places the care of her little on in the hands of this family.

Immediately after placement, amidst the millions of emotions they are experiencing, many birthmothers may wonder if they made the right decision.

Was adoption really the best decision?

How could it have been if it hurts so badly?

Time goes on, and this attitude may stick with the birthmom. Then, the updates aren’t on time. As much as we try not to let it happen, our minds start racing.

Why didn’t they send a letter or pictures?

How could they be so insensitive?

Is my baby ok?

Often times, it could just be that life has gotten hectic and busy for the adoptive parents delaying their contact but sometimes, life throws us a curveball: the adoptive parents get a divorce, one of the adoptive parents passes away, or the adoptive parents have or adopt another baby. Contact either stops or slows down immensely.

Again, we find ourselves questioning the value of adoption. How could someone voluntarily put themselves through so much pain?

As irrational as some of this might seem, it happens. It is very easy to get caught up in everything that goes “wrong” or rather does not go exactly as we planned. It is hard to wake up every morning with a little piece of our hearts missing.

Watching as friends and family take their little bundles of joy home or watching little kids play with their parents is like a punch in the stomach. As happy as we are for others there is always that little twinge of jealousy or sadness. There are reminders everywhere of what we are missing out on because we chose to place a child for adoption. Sometimes it feels like adoption has left us with an irreparable sadness.

What would happen though, if when we started having those feelings, we thought back to the initial reason for placing a child for adoption? In the midst of the sadness can you remember what that was? It was so that your child would have the best possible life.

Yes, it is painful not to be with our children each day, but for many of us this is what we chose. As birthmothers we put our child’s needs before our own. The minute we become mothers, life is no longer about us; it is about our child. By signing our rights away, we agreed to learn to cope with this pain so that our child could be with the family who could offer him or her everything they deserve. It will always hurt, but it doesn’t have to be a curse. We could choose to try and focus on the good of adoption.

So how then do we learn to focus on the positive aspects of adoption?

Make a list of the reasons that you placed your baby for adoption, paying special attention to what was in your child’s best interest.

• Try to identify all of the ways your choice has opened up opportunities for your child.
• Acknowledge the amazing blessing that you gave the adoptive family.
• Make a list of all of the nice things the adoptive parents have done for you (pictures, letter, cards, nice e-mails etc.).
• Give back to the adoption community! Share your experiences with others. Support others in the BirthMom Buds forums, consider mentoring women who are pregnant and considering adoption through the pregnant and placing program, or write for the BirthMom Buds Newsletter.
• Contact your adoption agency and offer to help them with adoption expos, potential adoption parent training, or speaking to other birthmoms in your community.

Adoption is not always easy and there will be days that we dislike adoption and don’t want to think of the positives,  but when we try to concentrate on the positive aspects of adoption, we are reminded of the real reason we chose to place, and how blessed we are to have found such amazing parents for our children.

BirthMom Buds provides peer counseling, support, encouragement, and friendship to pregnant women considering adoption as well as to women who have placed children for adoption.

Contact them:

• http://www.birthmombuds.com/
• http://www.birthmom-buds.blogspot.com/
• birthmombuds@gmail.com
• Toll free number 1-877-790-417

Saturday, May 9, 2009 is Birth Mother's Day. Were you aware that there's a special day set aside to honor birth moms?

Started by a group of Seattle birth mothers in 1990, Birth Mother's Day has slowly, but surely been gaining national acceptance and recognition. The date is easy to remember, because it is always the day before the official Mother's Day.

I'm thrilled to share with you that my long-time virtual friend, Coley Strickland — co-founder of BirthMomBuds, was featured in an Associated Press article that has been picked up by newspapers around the country (pictured: Coley & her son a couple of years ago).

Here's a link to the article in the Orlando Sentinel:

• Mother's Day tinged with sadness for birth moms

In an e-mail to her fans, Coley writes:

"I think it's a GREAT article that shows birthmothers do have feelings, they love their children, and they miss them forever — and most importantly, it's ok to think and feel all of that!

I urge you to read the article and put some thought into how you can honor a birth mother this Saturday. Whether you're a first/birthmom, an adopted person, an adoptive parent, or someone who's interested in adoption, most of us know of at least one woman we can reach out to on Saturday and let her know we appreciate her.

As for me, I'm starting by getting cards for my sons' birth moms.

What are you going to do? Let's share ideas.

By Beckie Stewart
Guest Columnist

I’m a mom of five children, but an adoptive mother to one.
I didn’t receive much information on my daughter’s birth mother, but I often think about her. I wish to honor her memory and the precious gift bestowed upon me because of her choices.

I imagine that when this young woman discovered she was pregnant, she asked, What do I do? What is the best decision?  

I envision her struggling with intense emotions…she is unmarried, and in Kazakhstan it is considered taboo to bear children out of wedlock…abortion is an option…she eventually makes the first difficult decision.  She chooses life for her unborn child.

On April eleventh, she makes her second difficult decision. She gives birth to a little girl with dark hair, dark eyes, and light brown skin. The baby weighs less than six pounds. This young mother decides to release her little girl for adoption. I believe she would choose to be with her baby forever, but she knows she cannot care for her without a home or job.

As she signs the papers, she takes special note of the butterfly birthmark on her daughter’s face. She knows that mark will allow her to recognize her daughter instantly should their paths ever cross.  

However, this young mother also knows that a family in Kazakhstan is not likely to adopt her baby due to this small imperfection. The thought of never seeing her daughter hurts deeply; nevertheless, she signs the forms to release her baby for adoption.

Ten days later, Aida is brought to the local orphanage where is cared for while her paperwork is processed on the local database. Little Aida waits three months before she is eligible for international adoption. During that time she becomes the favorite of several caretakers and is noted as the most active baby in the nursery.

 With temperatures below twenty degrees and the New Year holidays quickly approaching, my husband and I arrive in Kazakhstan.  We spend two hours with Aida each day for two weeks before we can petition the courts for her adoption. 

It takes forty days from start to finish, but finally she is declared our daughter.  We return to the USA and her four excited siblings, who are instantly enraptured with their baby sister. 

On Aida’s birthday each year, I say a prayer of thanksgiving for the young woman who chose life. I pray for her peace and salvation. Through the sacrifice of this young mother, I have come to understand just how much my Heavenly Father loves me.

What an incredible gift I have been given to be able to be called “Mommy” by Aida. 

By Coley Strickland
Guest Columnist

Coley is a birth mom and co-founder of BirthMom Buds.

While I treasure the visits I am able to have with Charlie, my birthson, through open adoption sometimes after a visit, I feel a sense of sadness and "let down." I've nicknamed these feelings "the post-visit blues."

I've also talked with other birthmothers in open adoptions who have shared with me that they too have the post-visit blues after a visit. Since I have been dealing with this for six years now, I have come up with some methods of coping that work for me and perhaps they will work for you, too.

1. Acknowledge the feelings. It's important that I acknowledge the feelings I am experiencing and allow myself to feel them. I have learned the hard way that if I don't acknowledge the feelings now it will only hurt me more in the long run.
2. Write a letter. A few days after a visit, I always write a letter to Charlie. I tell him how much the visit meant to me, I recap things that went on during the visit, and I include pictures from the visit. Mailing the letter is optional. If you didn't want to mail it, you could put them all in a box to share with your child one day.
3. Scrapbook. I actually haven't done this in one in awhile but am already sketching out layouts from my last visit in my head. Scrapbooking our time together makes me feel good and gives me an easy way to look back at good memories when I want to.
4. Journal. I recap the visit for myself in my journal writing down what we did, cute things Charlie said, etc. Then as I feel sadness over the next few days, I write about those feelings.
5. Try not to isolate myself. This is the one I personally struggle with. When I am dealing with my emotions after a visit and feeling down, I tend to want to be myself, turn off my phone, and crawl in a hole. While this can be good for me for a little bit, it also could quickly become unhealthy so I usually have to force myself not to hide out.
6. Talk with other birthmothers. No one quite understands what I am feeling besides other birthmothers so when I am dealing with sadness after a visit, I turn to my birthmother friends for support and understanding.

Reprinted with permission from the author. This article was originally published in BirthMom Buds Bulletin, August 2008

Did you know that there is an official Birth Mother's Day?  Yep, it's true. I love Birth Mother's Day because it gives adoptive families a chance to honor the special women who birthed the children we have the privilege of raising.

Birth Mother's Day 2008 is Saturday, May 10 (the day before Mother's Day). My e-mail buddy, Coley (who founded BirthMom Buds, owns a business called HeartMarkDesigns.com. She offers a line of unique cards tailor-made for Birth Mother's Day. You won't find these cards at Hallmark or anywhere else, for that matter!

She also has a line of small gifts — magnets, a journaling kit, and a mini vacation kit.

Coley offers bulk discounts to adoption agencies, adoption professionals, and others who order 25 or more cards by April 8.

Coley says, "As a birth mother myself, I can't tell you how much a simple card means on Birthmother's/Mother's Day weekend.

If you are in contact with your child's birth mother and want to give her something special, here are four more ideas (feel free to chime in with your own ideas in the Comments area):

1. Manicure or pedicure (you can get a gift card for a shop in her area)
2. Spa treatment
3. Gift card to her favorite restaurant or store
4. Take her out to lunch or to Sunday brunch

Related articles:

5 Tips for Exchanging Gifts Among Birth and Adoptive Families

The Role of Birth Grandparents in Open Adoption

Grieving Birthmom

30 Ways to Get Through Birth Mother's Day (on BirthMom Buds)

Birth Mother's Day Events and Cards

Birth Mom Seeks Ideas for How to Celebrate Mother's Day

You'll also find a bunch of links to adoption greeting cards, gifts, and other adoption-related merchandise at www.laurachristianson.com:

• Even More Adoption Gifts and Merchandise (my latest listings)
• Adoption Greeting Cards and Merchandise
• More Adoption Merchandise

For more news and information about adoption, visit www.laurachristianson.com, and
check out my Exploring
Adoption bookstore.

Christian singer, Mark Schultz, thanks his birth mother for giving him life in this heartfelt video:

We met our infant son’s birth grandparents the day after we adopted him. I recall being so giddy with delight over becoming a parent that I probably said all the wrong things to his biological grandparents and great grandparents.

While they fully supported their grandson’s adoption, I sensed—even amidst my euphoria—that they were feeling sad and confused about saying both “hello” and “goodbye” to their grandson.

Today’s guest columnist, Marie (not her real name) is a birth grandma who candidly shares the emotional upheaval she’s living through in the aftermath of her newborn grandson being placed with an adoptive family.

On June 2, 2007, I received a phone call from my adult daughter, 27, announcing that she had given birth to a baby boy. She had not told anyone she was pregnant.

She is not married and she has had some problems with alcohol so I was understandably concerned. I jumped on a plane and flew to her city. There, I discovered that her boyfriend did not want to marry her or to keep the child.

Over the next two weeks as I struggled to cope with the shock of the unexpected birth, my daughter told me it was too emotionally draining for her to stay with the baby, so I became his sole caregiver. My grandson and I bonded instantly; I was in love after only a few hours. I loved every minute of the feeding, bathing, singing—and yes—even diaper changing. We spent many long nights awake together, me promising him that I would protect him at all costs.

After 10 days my daughter and her boyfriend decided they would place him for adoption. They began reviewing prospective parents and selected a couple. I was told I would be packing his little things and delivering him the following day to his new mommy and daddy.

I lovingly complied, although ever fiber in my body told me to run away and keep him with me. That last night together I never closed my eyes, but stayed awake holding him all night—desperately trying to memorize every feature in his face, as well as his smell, his personality—knowing I would probably never see him again. I cried uncontrollably and prayed non-stop that God would find a way to give me the strength to do what was required of me.

I washed and packed all his clothes and toys and they were taken to a hotel room for safekeeping until the hour of “surrender.”  When it was time to surrender this precious angel, I dressed him in the organdy daygown I had bought for him and lovingly wrapped him in an heirloom blanket. I was determined that this little boy would get the proper sendoff.

As I walked the three blocks to the hotel with this precious baby in my arms, I felt as if I was headed to death row and the seconds were ticking off the clock. It was the most surreal experience of my 55 years and I had never felt more alone.

When I met with the adoptive parents for that short hour, we were accompanied by the case worker from their adoption agency. We were instructed prior to meeting that our last names and contact information were not to be shared. I was even asked to redact the baby’s name on a prescription he had been prescribed for the treatment of thrush.

I shared with his new parents the details of his eating and sleeping patterns and the notes I had taken to help them stay on his schedule. The adoptive parents were open and loving toward me and obviously felt great empathy for my loss. They both cried (a lot) when they heard the circumstances of the adoption and realized I was in such pain. They knew I didn’t want to let go and that I had no power to make any decisions which had led to this moment.

They hugged and thanked me so many times. They agreed to give him the book I had bought and inscribed prior to meeting him as well as the little stuffed lamb which played “Jesus Loves Me.” I gave them a heartfelt letter I had written to him so that one day he will know how much I love him and how much I miss him. And I gave them the most precious gift of all: my beautiful grandson.

They promised he would one day know how much his “Mimi” loves him and how a part of me went with him. They also allowed me to take a photo of them as I handed the little man off to them for safekeeping.

Although I cannot imagine him having a more loving family to grow in, my sorrow and sense of loss has deepened with every passing month. I only have pictures and the few little outfits he wore during our last few hours together to sustain me. They are in a plastic bag and still hold his sweet baby smell.

Although I adore my three other grandchildren (ages 4, 2, and 10 months), sometimes being with them emphasizes the depth of my loss of this little boy, for I am reminded of the reality that I will never hear him call my name or see him reach his little arms up to hug me. Some days I cry all day and others I can handle it without crying. Most nights I cry when I go to the privacy of my bathroom.

I recently learned that I will be allowed to communicate with the family (through the adoption agency) and that the update letters and pictures his parents have sent to the agency are on their way to me. I am so excited to have this connection after five months of being totally cut off from my grandson.

I will have the opportunity to send him something special to go under his Christmas tree this year and something to commemorate his first birthday. After that, I will be allowed to send letters, pictures, or gift cards. I am praying that the family will find a way to allow the gifts to continue past the agency’s cut off date and that I am able to gain their trust and confidence.

I only want to be another person available to love him, not to interfere in their lives. I am praying that they will invite me into their lives at some point, and I trust God to take care of that as He sees fit. 

My biggest concern is that I may not still be alive when my grandson is old enough to make these decisions for himself. God knows best and I know His plan will unfold for me and for my grandson. For now I am so thankful for His abundance in getting us to this point.

I always will love my grandson, who is 5 months old now, and hope that someday, my opportunity will come to tell him in person.

Coming in the next posts:

• Suggestions for appropriate communications/gift giving among birth and adoptive families
• Resources for grieving grandparents

For more resources about adoption, please visit www.laurachristianson.com or my Amazon.com Exploring Adoption Bookstore.

Patricia E. Roles wrote an informative article on the grieving process birth parents go through during and after adoption relinquishment in her Market Fads & Fashions blog.

She describes several stages in detail:

• Numbness and Denial
• Eruption of Feelings
• Accepting the Adoption Decision
• Accommodation to and Living With Uncertainty
• Re-Evaluating and Rebuilding

I’m not sure how a post about birth parent grief fits in a blog called Market Fads & Fashions, but there you have it. It’s worth a read.

For more news and information about adoption, visit www.laurachristianson.com, and
check out my Exploring
Adoption bookstore.

Women (and their partners) who consider placing their baby for adoption often ask, “Can I have contact with my child as he grows up? Will I be able to see pictures of him? Talk with him on the phone? Visit him?”

The answer is a definitive, “Yes, if that’s what you want.” 

Unlike the secrecy that shrouded infant adoptions in the past, in which birth parents literally had their babies ripped from their arms and never heard a peep about them again, expectant parents who are considering adoption have a lot more options these days.

• They have free pregnancy counseling available to them (counseling which, if done properly, does not coerce them into choosing adoption but presents them with the short- and long-term ramifications of parenting vs. placing).
• They choose the family who will raise their child.
• They can meet the adopting family before the baby’s birth.
• They can receive independent legal counsel.
• They can set up a communications agreement with the adopting parents, so that both parties can exchange letters, pictures, phone calls, e-mails, and/or visits at whatever level both families feel comfortable with.

The Spence-Chapin adoption agency has developed a “Birthparent’s Bill of Rights” which they give to all expectant mothers considering adoption. Here’s an excerpt:

• You have the right to be free from pressure to make a decision for or against adoption.
• You have the right to total confidentiality, if you so choose.
• You have the right to impartial counseling by a trained professional, so you can review all your options.
• You have the right to choose your baby’s adoptive parents.
• You have the right to a safe and legal process.
• You have the right to choose an open adoption or ongoing communication with the adoptive family.
• You have the right to change your mind about any verbal promise or written agreement made before the birth of the baby.

Source:
“Perception & Reality: The Untold Story of Domestic Adoption,” by Eliza Newlin Carney, Adoptive Families, June 2007.

Related Articles:
Domestic Infant Adoption: Alive and Well
Three Common Misconceptions About Infant Adoption

For more news and information about adoption, visit www.laurachristianson.com, and
check out my Exploring
Adoption bookstore.