Some statistics:

• African American children represent 15 percent of the U.S. child population, but 32 percent of the 510,000 children in foster care (FY 2006). They also remain in foster care an average of nine months longer than white children who are adopted.
• About 20 percent of the black children adopted out of foster care are adopted by white parents.

Research on transracial adoption supports three main conclusions:

1. Transracial adoption in itself does not produce psychological or social maladjustment problems in children.
2. Transracially adopted children and their families face a range of challenges, and the manner in which parents handle them facilitates or hinders children’s development.
3. Children in foster care come to adoption with many risk factors that pose challenges for healthy development. For these children, research points to the importance of adoptive placements with families who can address their individual issues and maximize their opportunity to develop to their fullest potential.

In other words, parents of children adopted from foster care need to abandon the “colorblind” approach – the assumption that “all kids are the same, and I’m going to ignore the fact that I’m a white parent of a black child.”

Instead, parents need to take a “color conscious” approach. They need to receive pre-adoption training that prepares them for the challenges transracial families are likely to face, and they need to intentionally help their child develop a positive sense of ethnic identity.

As you might have guessed, there’s a new research study on this topic: “Finding Families for African American Children: The Role of Race & Law in Adoption From Foster Care.” You can read the entire report at the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute.

If you prefer a more conversational approach on the topic of transracial adoption and developing a healthy ethnic identity, you’ll find it in my book, The Adoption Decision: 15 Things You Want to Know Before Adopting.

I was the guest on Chicago’s "This is the Day" show (WMBI) with Nancy Turner this morning. During the show, several listeners called in with questions about adoption. Due to time constraints, I didn’t have a chance to address several of the questions as thoroughly as I would have liked. So I thought I’d tackle them here.

How do I find an ethical adoption agency/facilitator?

Last week, I met with a woman whose cousin recommended a particular Christian adoption agency that he had worked with. The woman began working with that agency, solely on her cousin’s recommendation. Turns out that the agency was involved in unethical adoption practices, and had several lawsuits for wrongful adoption pending. After much heartache, a lawsuit, and severe financial loss, the couple switched agencies.

While we would hope that any adoption service provider would function ethically, the sad fact is that some of them–even a few so-called "Christian" agencies–do not.

When you hire an agency to help facilitate an adoption, you are putting the future of your family into the hands of strangers for months, perhaps years. It’s imperative that you work with an agency with whom you feel completely comfortable and confident.

1. Find out how long the agency has been in business. Do they have a reliable track record?
2. Check with the Better Business Bureau and the Attorney General office in the state in which the agency is licensed (if the agency has branch offices in several states, check in both your state’s branch as well as the corporate office’s state). Does the agency have any complaints or lawsuits pending?
3. Ask the agency for references, with the assumption that they will refer you to happy clients. Contact those clients, and then ask the clients for the names of additional people they know who have worked with the agency. Call those people, as well.
4. Join an online discussion group for the type of adoption you plan to pursue (such as adopting from China, adopting from foster care, infant adoption). Ask other members of the group which agencies they do and don’t recommend. You will get a cross section of responses, but those responses will help you to get a better feeling for how the agency functions and treats its clients.

What are the advantages and disadvantages of adopting through a state agency and a private agency?

If you hope to adopt a child from foster care, chances are, you can work with either a public agency in your state or a private agency. Many licensed private agencies contract with public agencies to place foster children.

While there are many wonderful social workers at public agencies, they are most often overworked and underpaid. They’ll give you as much attention as they can, but you will likely not receive the same degree of private attention to your "case" as you would when working with a private agency.

In addition to placing children from foster care in adoptive families, many private agencies also have domestic infant programs and international programs; they offer a full range of services for adoptive parents.

Related Articles:

• Am I too old to adopt?
• Can I adopt if I’m on a limited income?
• Why is it so difficult for singles to adopt?
• When should I tell my child he/she was adopted?
• How to Avoid Unethical Adoption Agencies
• International Adoption: How to Choose a Reputable Agency
• How to Avoid Adoption Scams
• Tips for Avoiding Adoption Fraud

I go into greater detail on these and many other questions in my book: The Adoption Decision: 15 Things You Want to Know Before Adopting.

For more news and information about adoption, visit www.laurachristianson.com, and
check out my Exploring
Adoption bookstore.

Sign up for Adoption
World, my free monthly eZine! Just send a blank email to adoptionworld@aweber.com

Not long ago, at the urging of several readers, I published a post called "Adopting ‘Problem’ Children." The article discussed the "dark side" of adopting children who have been exposed to abuse, neglect, and institutional living.

After reading that post, Ninette, the mom of three children adopted from foster care, volunteered to contribute a guest column about the bright side of adopting foster children.

Ninette told me that while there are problems, diagnoses, and trips to therapist, these things can happen with any child—whether you birth them or adopt them domestically or internationally. She says, “I love my children. Sometimes they make me crazy, but they have brought so much more to my life then frustration, medication, and violence.”

Ninette and her husband, Chris, who live in Northern California, are the parents of Monika, Alex, and Bobby, who arrived in their family at ages 4, 6, and 8. Their adoption was final in May of 07. The children are currently 7, 9, and 11.

I’m delighted to share Ninette’s thoughts with you today.

“Sometimes you have to wait for your moment to come.”

We didn’t get the “Aww” moment. You know the one I’m talking about; when you see your new child for the first time, whether it be in an airport, hospital, or orphanage. Once the child is in your arms the heavens open, the sun shines, and angels sing. We didn’t get one of those.

When you fost-adopt, “getting” your kids is a whirlwind of pictures, meetings, discussions, and home visits. Before you can blink an eye, they are at your door with possessions, or in our case the van to our front door. That was almost three years ago. 

Even after we got our sibling group of three (ages 4,6, and 8 upon arrival), I still read all the adoption stories. I didn’t realize it, but I was looking for a story that matched my own. They were difficult to find.

So I came to terms with the fact that those beautiful moments that parents in adoption magazines and online glowed about was not going to happen for us. Fost-adoption was just too crazy. I felt a bit cheated—like I did with most things that had to do with bringing our kids home. No baby shower, no celebrations, just assimilation. Welcome to the family; there will be a test on the names of your new aunts and uncles at the end of the week.

Then, it happened: basketball season. Our daughter, the oldest, asked Dad if he would coach her basketball team. I can tell you, there was little doubt that he would say yes.  It became a family affair, my husband Chris coaching the 9-to-11-year-olds, Alex on the 7-8 year old team, Bobby on the 5-6 team, and Mom cheering on the side lines.  We spent a good part of our Saturdays at the courts watching and participating in the games.

One of the things I noticed in all of the stories was that this “moment” tends to catch you by surprise. All the families talk about how overwhelming it was to see their baby, how they just KNEW that it was a perfect fit, that they had done the right thing.

Well, they got that part right. My moment happened on picture day at the Y. I knew that Chris had asked the photographers to take a picture of him with the kids even though they weren’t on the same team, but when I opened the package and took out the picture, the heavens opened, the sun was shining, and angels were singing. There they were: my crew, my life, my love.

It might have taken almost two years but I got my moment and it was as sweet as any other. So like most “new” moms, I went around with the pictures to show everyone, “Have you seen this?”, or “Look at the picture the kids and Chris took.” I was beaming and mushy, but it was my moment. I just had to wait for it.

Related Posts:

How Much Does it Cost to Care for a Foster Child?

Adopting "Problem" Children

For more news and information about adoption, visit www.laurachristianson.com, and
check out my Exploring
Adoption bookstore.

When people decide to adopt, most of them are hopeful that the child they welcome will fit into their family perfectly and grow into a healthy, happy, well-adjusted adult. While this often happens, there’s also a dark side to adoption—a side that most are reluctant to talk about. 

That “dark side” concerns adopting children who have been exposed to drugs, alcohol, abuse, neglect, institutional living, and/or have inherited mental illnesses.

One of my readers, a mother of two grown birth children and five adopted children, ages 10-16, says that parenting kids who have been “damaged” is often more of a mission than a “quick way to a dream family. Parenting these kids is delightful, but definitely a challenge.”

One of her adopted children is a 10-year-old boy she adopted after a “temporary foster placement” when he was 4. He had burned down his [birth] mom’s rental house, burned the hair of his 2-year-old sister with matches, burned his sister’s arm with an iron, cut her playpen with a knife (and more). She says, “He is doing fairly well, but his story won’t be finished for a long time.”

She shared the stories of several people she knows:

I know people who adopted, thinking everything was going to be wonderful and easy, and ended up hating their children, putting the kids into very expensive ($4,000-6,000) a month group homes, having parental nervous breakdowns, spending their life savings on counseling and various interventions, [and requiring] lots of police involvement due to [their child’s] violence.

One family, who adopted a 16-year-old girl, had many problems with her. They tried different programs and were totally discouraged. Finally, they resorted to putting a TV in her room with as much food as she wanted, in an effort to keep her busy and away from them until she turned 18 and they could kick her out.  To say that they hated her would be to put it mildly.

Another family adopted two siblings [as infants] and ended up in mental and financial ruin. The older sibling was diagnosed with Asperger’s and is now living among the homeless population in a major city. The parents are waiting for the younger sibling to turn 18 so she can get kicked out of their home.

Does Love Conquer All?

These stories—which, incidentally, are not unusual—probably make you cringe and wonder, “What did these parents do wrong? Why can’t they control their children?”

Frankly, the parents may not have done anything wrong, other than having an unrealistic view about their ability to parent a damaged child. Many, if not most parents enter adoption thinking, “I can do this. I can handle anything. Love conquers all.”

But unfortunately, love does not conquer all. Unconditional love can work wonders on a damaged child and can help bring incredible healing. But for most of these children, love alone cannot repair the damage that has been inflicted on them.

I’ll Adopt Internationally

“That’s why I won’t adopt from the foster care system,” you vow. “That’s why I’m going to adopt internationally.”

Think again. Many of the children available for adoption internationally have experienced the same sorts of alcohol and drug exposure, abuse, and neglect as children in foster care. There are no guarantees that adopting a child from another country will result in a “happily ever after” scenario.

I know of a family who adopted a young girl after her original adoptive placement (from China to the U.S.) failed because her adopted family “couldn’t handle her.” When this girl was a ‘tween, she accused her (adoptive) father of sexual abuse. As a result of her accusation, the entire family has been ripped apart, and none of the children are allowed to have contact with their father.

This Couldn’t Possibly Happen to Me

So, why adopt in the first place?

It’s a reasonable question. If you’re feeling scared about adopting after reading these stories, I’m glad. Not everyone is cut out to adopt. I’d rather you choose not to adopt than head into the process starry-eyed, assuming everything will be hunky-dory just because you’re a great person and know you’d make a great parent. I’d rather you enter the adoption process knowing what you might be up against.

For many of you, parenting an adopted child will be the easiest, most rewarding thing in the world. For many of you, parenting an adopted child will be a complete nightmare. For most of you, parenting an adopted child will be somewhere between those two extremes.  You need to be prepared for the “in between”—even, the worst extreme.

There’s no way on earth you can be prepared for every challenging situation you will encounter. But if you’re thinking about adopting and are truly feeling drawn to adopting an older child or a traumatized child (there are over 115,000 children in U.S. foster care who are anxiously awaiting a permanent home), here are some practical ways you can begin preparing yourself:

Realize that the problems your child brings with her into your family are not her fault, and they’re not your fault. They’re a result of damage that has been inflicted on your child early in life (perhaps even in the womb). While you can’t control what happened to your child before she arrives in your home, you can take steps to deal with the issues once she lives with you.

During the adoption process, discuss your options for obtaining post-adoption support from the federal or state government with your adoption social worker. In many cases, ongoing medical and mental health care is available, but you have to arrange for it BEFORE the adoption is finalized.

Before you adopt, investigate the medical, educational, mental health, and social services in your area that are equipped to handle the needs of the child you adopt. If you know you’re going to be adopting a child who has had fetal alcohol exposure, learn as much as you possibly can about Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (and all its variations). Research what alcohol exposure does to a child’s brain. And find out what resources exist in your community to support your family.

When you observe an unusual or troubling behavior in your child, don’t automatically attribute it to post-placement adjustment. If you wait a couple of years for the “honeymoon” to end, you’ve waited far too long. Immediately begin documenting your child’s behaviors in a notebook. Share your child’s behaviors with other adoptive parents (particularly parents who adopted older children) and ask whether those behaviors raise red flags. If they raise the slightest red flag, immediately seek professional help.

Be your child’s advocate. You may have to visit umpteen doctors and medical health professionals in order to obtain an accurate diagnosis of your child’s problem. Don’t give up! If you don’t advocate for your child, who will?

Get involved in a support network. Connecting with others who have experienced what you’re going through is the most important thing you can do to maintain your own sanity and to prevent yourself from spiraling into depression. If you have to drive 150 miles to attend a support group for parents whose children have attachment issues, do it. You need a safe community where others who experience similar challenges share ideas, resources, and encouragement.

My new book, The Adoption Decision: 15 Things You Need to Know Before Adopting, devotes three chapters to the issue of parenting children who have special challenges. In these chapters, several parents who are currently negotiating difficult situations with their children share their stories and offer tips how to deal with challenges.

We want to hear from you!

Pre-adoptive parents:
What are you doing to prepare yourself to meet the challenges your child might bring into your family?

Adoptive parents who have faced difficult challenges:
What were your expectations going into adoption? What do you wish you’d known or done before adopting? What are some of the best resources you’ve found to help you negotiate particular challenges? What’s the best advice you have for someone who’s considering adopting?

Please post your thoughts and advice in the Comments area so we can learn from you!

A few resources to get you jump-started:

Families by Design (Nancy Thomas) – works with attachment disordered children and leads seminars around the country.

Attachment Center Northwest in Kirkland, WA – Specializes in diagnosing and treating children, youth, and adults with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD); other difficulties on the continuum of bonding and attachment; and issues of trauma, adoption, and complicated grief.

Empowering Your Child Who Has Special Needs, by Debbie Salter Goodwin

Adopting the Hurt Child and Parenting the Hurt Child, by Gregory Keck and Regina Kupecky

Special Strength for Special Parents (a devotional) by Nina Fuller

Attaching in Adoption, by Deborah Gray

The Post-Adoption Blues: Overcoming the Unforseen Challenges of Adoption, by Karen Foli and John Thompson

The Adoption Network: Your Guide to Starting a Support System, by Laura Christianson

Related Post:

The ‘Awwww’ Moment (about the positive aspects of parenting children who’ve come from difficult backgrounds)

For more news and information about adoption, visit www.laurachristianson.com, and
check out my Exploring
Adoption bookstore.

If you want a quick, effective overview of foster care and foster-adoption, check out this 5-minute video about foster care adoption from the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption. The video is called, "I Need Someone Who Needs Me." Have your Kleenix handy!

If you’re looking for a way to honor foster care workers, consider sending a card to your local DSHS office, letting them know you appreciate the hard work they’re doing to help find permanent homes for foster children.

Laura’s book, The Adoption Network, has
just been released. Click here to learn
more about a limited-time offer:  Buy 1, Get 1 FREE! Only $12.95 for TWO books (including USPS first-class shipping anywhere in the U.S.). Buy one for yourself and give the other one to a friend, colleague, clergyperson, or adoption professional.

For more news and information about adoption, visit www.laurachristianson.com, and
check out my Exploring
Adoption bookstore.

A reader who is adopting a 9-year-old asks:

What suggestions do you have for facilitating bonding with the son I will soon adopt? I want to make it a positive experience for both of us.

I’d like to hear from readers who have adopted older children. What works? What doesn’t work?

Please post your responses in the Comments area or e-mail me and I’ll pass along the information.

For more news and information about adoption, visit www.laurachristianson.com, and
check out my Exploring
Adoption bookstore.

A family from Kentucky is hoping to adopt a 2-year-old or younger girl through foster care. They have worked with their state’s public agency and have had a less-than-positive experience with "an extremely cranky social worker."

I know that private agencies exist that work in conjunction with state-run agencies to provide "permanency planning." Permanency planning is the placement of children with foster families, who agree to work closely with birth parents for reunification, but will commit to adopting the child when reunificationis not possible.

Would those of you who have participated in or know of private programs for permanency planning tell us more about how it works?

Also, if you know of particular agencies that specialize in permanency planning (particularly ones in Kentucky or neighboring states), please tell us about them.

Please post in the Comments area or e-mail me and I’ll pass along the information you share. Thanks, readers!

If you’re adopting a foster child, older child, or a child with challenges, check out the array of free downloadable fact sheets offered by Minnesota Adoption Support and Preservation (MNASAP).

Here’s a sampling of the titles:

Bedwetting

Fetal Alcohol
Spectrum Disorder (FASD) Diagnosis and Adoption

(The) Nine Stages of Grief in Parents of RAD Kids

Sensory Integration
Dysfunction and Adoption

Preparing for Opening Up An Adoption

Nesting:
What to do While Waiting to Adopt a Waiting Child

Anti-Bullying
Tactics

Adoption-Related
Books for Teenagers

The site has all kinds of other helpful information, as well. Check it out!

For more news and information about adoption, visit www.laurachristianson.com, and check out my Exploring Adoption bookstore.

Part 3 of 3

In the previous two posts in this series, I reviewed the children’s book, My Special Someone, and chatted with author Sherry Kyle. Today, Sherry offers tips for foster-adopt families:

Foster-adoption is not for the faint of heart. It’s hard. It’s emotionally draining. But it’s also very rewarding when you’re blessed with a child who you know God has for your family. They’re worth the fight.

Go to at least three different adoption agency information meetings, because you see what different agencies have to offer. If you’re a Christian, you might prefer to work with a Christian agency. Look for a good fit between you and your agency.

When you visit the agencies, ask:

• What is the geographic range from which children are available (the wider the range, the more opportunities for you to begin fostering a child).
• What age range do they see most?
• What’s your policy on sibling group adoption?
• What limits are there on the ages of children available (for example, some agencies facilitate adoptions of children aged 5 and up; others work with children under age 2).
• Is the child a member of a sibling group?
• How many prospective parents are in your waiting ‘pool’?
• What kind of experience does the staff have with foster-adoption?
• Describe the type of personal attention the prospective adoptive family receives.

Define the criteria to which you’re open: medical issues; abuse, neglect or abandonment issues; drug exposure; learning disabilities, etc.

Sherry says, “My husband and I prayed every night for specific things we thought we could be open to. But every case is different and unique. Our criteria was to adopt a child who was at least a year younger than our youngest in school. We’re a very active, busy family. We were open to all races, but wanted someone who could pick up and go like the rest of us. We ended up submitting our home study for a child that we probably wouldn’t have at the beginning of the process.”

Don’t be afraid to love your child from the beginning. Adoption professionals recommend, “Don’t fall in love with a picture,” but how can you not?

Stay strong and pray a lot.

Get a support group behind you. Have somebody you can call and talk to during those hard days when the court date didn’t work out. Share information with people who you are certain will be positive and supportive.

For more news and information about adoption, please visit my Web site, www.laurachristianson.com.

Part 2 of 3

In the previous post, I reviewed Brittany and Sherry Kyle’s children’s book, My Special Someone. Today, you’ll learn more about Sherry Kyle, as she shares her story about adopting her daughter, Grace.

During an interview with Shari, she told me:

When I was 10, I saw a 1958 movie called The Inn of the Sixth Happiness with my mom and my sister. The movie is based on the true story of a missionary in China who leads 100 Chinese children from one area of China to another during the Japanese-Chinese war. Ever since then, I’ve wanted to adopt.

Fast forward to many years later when I got married. I had three biological children and when they were 1, 3 and 5 I started collecting information from different adoption agencies. I was mainly focused on China or Korea because that was the image God placed on my heart many years ago.

I collected information for a good year before talking to my husband about it. I didn’t want him to squelch my dream. When I finally did talk to my husband about it he said to me, “This isn’t a secret. You talked about adoption even in college, Sherry.” 

As Sherry and her husband began to pursue adoption seriously, a friend from church who did respite care helped Sherry to see the need for foster-adopt families:

She said, “Sherry, there are so many kids needing homes right here where we are.” So that’s what we started to pursue. We went to three different agencies and to our county’s public agency. Finally, we decided on a Christian non-profit agency, feeling as if they’d understand the reasons why we wanted to adopt.

Four months after completing their home study, they saw their future daughter’s photo in a photolisting book. She had been born 10 weeks early, weighed only 2 pounds, 12 ounces at birth and had a high risk of having cerebral palsy due to her premature birth. She was not yet legally free for adoption.

The Kyle family accepted the risk, and a month later, Grace came to live with them. They fostered her with the intention of adopting her when she became legally free. Because of some complications with the termination of the birth parents’ rights, Grace’s adoption was not finalized until almost two years later. Sherry says:

The hardest part was waiting. Once I got my baby I knew she was mine. I bonded really quickly with her. It didn’t matter that she was a foster child. She’s the picture I had in my mind since I was 10.

In the next post, Sherry offers 6 tips for families considering foster-adoption

For more news and information about adoption, please visit my Web site, www.laurachristianson.com.