From the time we’re girls playing with dolls, most of us dream of becoming mothers. But for the one in six women who experience infertility, the struggle to conceive or to carry a pregnancy to term is a nightmare. Women in the midst of a fertility crisis need a caring friend.

Here are eight ways you can provide hope and healing:

1.  Love by listening.

Don’t give advice or try to fix things. Just be there. Warm hugs are the best gift you can give.

2.  Learn about fertility treatment.

Infertility is a medical condition that often necessitates medical intervention. If your friend is undergoing treatment, learn about the procedures so you can better understand the physical and emotional symptoms she’s experiencing.

3.  Do something normal together.

Invite her to lunch or a movie.

4.  Arrange a childfree visit.

Being around children may be difficult for your friend. If you have children, avoid talking excessively about your own pregnancy, childbirth experiences, or children.

5.  Cheer on adoption.

If your friend decides to adopt, show the same enthusiasm you would exhibit if she was physically pregnant.

6.  If you become pregnant, share the news in person, if possible.

Understand that your friend will experience a mixture of emotions—happiness for you and sadness for herself. Don’t pressure her to attend a baby shower.

7.  Extend sympathy.

If she loses a baby to miscarriage or failed adoption, send a card, flowers, or a small gift in memory of the child.

8.  Pray.

If you are a person if faith, pray specifically – on a daily basis – for something related to her struggle. E-mail your friend, letting her know that she’s in your thoughts and prayers.

RESOLVE (www.resolve.org), The National Infertility Association, recommends that people assess their fertility diagnosis and treatment options by creating a “decision tree.”

I recommend the decision tree as a handy tool for those considering family building through birth or adoption.

A decision tree is essentially a flow chart. Here’s how to create one:

1. Write your primary goal at the top left side a piece of paper and circle it.
2. To the right of your primary goal, list options for how you can achieve the goal.
3. Under each option, list its pros and cons.

For example, you might list your primary goal as, “To Create a Family.” Options for achieving that goal may include trying to get pregnant on your own, undergoing surgery, taking fertility medications, pursuing assisted reproductive technology (ART), or investigating adoption. For each of those options, you should brainstorm a detailed list of pros and cons.

If you’re brainstorming pros and cons about adoption, for instance, you might include:

Pros:

• No pregnancy risks
• Provide a loving home to a child

Cons:

• Expenses
• Fears about child’s genetic heritage

A decision tree is a helpful method to analyze what’s most important to you about family building. Writing down your options prevents you from overlooking important details and it gives you a sense of control over your family-building decisions.

For the one in six couples blindsided by impaired fertility, the quest to achieve pregnancy can become all-consuming—battering emotions, body, and pocketbook. How much are you willing to pay for a pregnancy? Jeff Opdyke addressed this issue in a column for The Wall Street Journal.

Certainly, there are many who will immediately say that no price is too dear to experience the joys of parenthood and to bring into this world a life that is of your flesh and blood,” writes Opdyke.

But when couples learn that a natural pregnancy is unlikely, they’re faced with immediate, very difficult decisions:

• If at first we don’t succeed, how many times should we try, try again?
• If medical treatment doesn’t work, do we have a Plan B, such as adoption or remaining child free?
• Just how much money are we willing to spend on treatment that may not work?
• Should we reserve funds for pursuing other paths to parenthood?

“Money often takes a back seat in the initial discussions—lost in the emotion of the moment,” writes Opdyke. He adds, “It doesn’t do any good to ignore the financial component, even if it seems crude to put a price on childbirth.”

I agree. In my volunteer work with couples facing fertility challenges, I have met couples who spent upwards of $100,000 in their quest to become pregnant. Some have refinanced their homes; others have moved cross country to find jobs that offer excellent fertility treatment benefits. Most, unfortunately, have gone heavily into debt and even into bankruptcy.

One friend told me, “There’s always the hope that next time, the treatment will work. Next time, they will have invented some new drug or new procedure that I just have to try.”

Next time…next time. The kernel of hope remains through seemingly endless cycles of hope and anticipation followed by defeat and intense grief.

With the fixation of conceiving or carrying a child to term always before you, it’s hard to set limits. Opdyke writes that “money and motherhood…become so entangled that rational thought will disappear.”

And yet, rational thought is critical when a couple considers treatment. Limits must be set. You and your spouse must sit down and closely examine your finances, preferably BEFORE you begin treatment.

• How much do you have in savings?
• In home equity?
• In workplace health benefits?
• Are you willing to take out a loan? If so, for how much?
• Are you willing to move to another state, to a job that offers better fertility benefits?
• Are you willing to sell your nice new car and drive a used model?
• Are you willing to downsize?
• Should you get pregnant and give birth, how much money will you need to pay for your child’s basic needs, for daycare, or for potential medical issues the child may experience?

Harsh as it may sound, taking an honest look at your finances will save you potential heartache. If you determine that you can afford $40,000 in your quest for a child, you might decide to budget $20,000 for one cycle of IVF (in vitro fertilization) and the remaining $20,000 for adoption.

Or you may elect to try two or three IVF cycles. Whatever you decide, it’s imperative to be emotionally prepared to walk away from treatment when you’ve reached your financial limits.

Yes, it’s excruciating to walk away – I’ve done so myself. But when my husband and I worked up the courage to walk away from fertility treatment, we had something to walk toward. That “something” was the two delightful babies whom we adopted.

What about you? If you’ve experienced fertility challenges, what boundary-setting have you done that works for you? What do you wish you’d done differently?

It's always a challenge to find a good list of books on infertility, so I felt I'd hit the jackpot when Tina Smith from the Fertility Center in Chattanooga, TN referred me to their site:

• MyFertilityCenter.com

The Support Central area provides a huge list of infertility books, Web site links, and articles.

Thanks, Tina, for sharing this site loaded with helpful resources!

You've been through the ringer with infertility workups and treatment. You're frustrated, discouraged, and empty. How do you know when it's time to stop pursuing treatment and move forward with your life?

Stepping Stones newsletter (Jan 2009) offers six good tips:

1.  Face facts.

2.  Decide together.

3.  Don't make hasty decisions.

4.  Be open to changing your mind.

5.  Don't be unduly influenced by others.

6.  Pray about your decision.

Source:

I was pleasantly surprised to read a personal experience article about infertility–written by a man–in Today’s Christian magazine (Jan/Feb 2008).

In the article, Elliott J. Anderson, author of Answers in Abundance: A Miraculous Adoption Journey as Told from a Father’s Heart, candidly shares his struggles with infertility, his emotional and spiritual shift to considering adoption, and some amazing truths the Bible reveals about infertility and adoption.

I haven’t read his book yet, but if it’s anywhere near as well-written as the article, I can’t wait to get my hands on it!

For more news and information on adoption topics, please visit www.laurachristianson.com or my Amazon Exploring Adoption bookstore.

One of my readers has formed a support group in her parish for those who suffer infertility, miscarriage, infant death, and the challenges of the adoption
process.

She would like to locate faith-based fliers or brochures on those topics so her group can offer these materials in their local churches.

I know of several books and internet resources on these topics, but haven’t seen much in the way of brochures. Readers, let’s create a list together.

Bethany Christian Services offers a resource catalog that contains a variety of booklets and brochures for:

• adoptive parents
• pregnancy counseling
• churches

For churches, they offer a brochure that answers common questions pastors have about crisis pregnancy, adoption, and infertility. They also have an adoption poster, an adoption bulletin insert, and a booklet of meditations about the sanctity of human life.

One of my favorite resources for infertility support and pregnancy loss is Stepping Stones, also a ministry of Bethany Christian Services. I have subscribed to the Stepping Stones newsletter for years — the 8-page quarterly publication always contains encouraging stories and interesting tidbits.

Bethany also has a state-by-state support group directory for infertility, pregnancy loss, and adoption.

The Christian Alliance for Orphans focuses on orphan care ministry and includes several resources for adoption, foster care, orphan care, and church orphans ministry. The site also lists a few support groups and faith-based adoption ministries.

If you’re looking for a resource handbook on how to start a faith-based adoption or orphan care ministry, be sure to check out my book, The Adoption Network.

Presbyterians Pro-Life offers a church resource packet called "God Gives Us LIFE Through Adoption." The packet includes a poster you can display at your church, and contains information designed to raise awareness of the adoption
option among church members and especially among young women making
pregnancy decisions.

Hannah’s Prayer Ministries is one of my long-time favorite resources that provides Christian support for women experiencing infertility (including secondary infertility), pregnancy loss, or infant/child loss.

FamilyLife’s Hope For Orphans offers links to several infertility and adoption-related resources.

If you’re looking for books that offer support and encouragement for people facing fertility challenges, miscarriage, or infant loss, visit my Amazon bookstore. You’ll also find lots of great adoption books listed there, organized by topic so you can easily find what you need.

Readers, what are your favorite faith-based infertility and/or adoption resources?

Mental preparation is a must for anyone who plans to survive
the frenetic pace of holiday family gatherings. This is particularly true for
an estimated 6 million infertile American women, who’d rather be decorating the
nursery than decking the halls. For women who struggle to conceive a child,
family festivities intensify feelings of isolation and grief.

If the thought of babies being dandled by fawning relatives
is enough to make you burst into tears and run for cover, try some of the
following alternatives. You’ll not only survive the holidays with your sanity
intact; you may even enjoy them.

Brag about Bowser.
Write a holiday newsletter from the perspective of your cat, dog, iguana or
ferret. Detail the events of your pet’s year. Include pictures. Send it to
everyone you know.

Avoid child-oriented
events. Send a note or special gift to the hosts, graciously declining
their invitation. Console yourself the evening of the party by building a fire
(or sitting in front of a toasty oven) and reading books by Erma Bombeck, Dave
Barry or Andy Rooney.

Leave home. Take
a mini vacation with your spouse to a romantic bed and breakfast inn. Make your
relationship – not your baby quest – top priority for an entire weekend. Remind
each other that it doesn’t take a child to make a family; you and your partner
are a family already.

Learn a winter sport
together. Cross-country ski, ice skate or snowshoe. They’re inexpensive,
relatively safe, and emotionally refreshing.

Get crafty. Knit
scarves, design jewelry or construct wooden paper towel holders. Sell them at a
holiday bazaar.

Be spontaneous.
Join a group of Christmas carolers and sing at your neighborhood nursing home.

Reach out. Invite
another childless couple over to craft clay ornaments, bake cookies, or string
popcorn for the tree.

Love others.
Spend Christmas Eve serving at the local soup kitchen, mission, or shelter.

Write a love letter
to your spouse. Thank him or her for being part of your life, for loving
you through the ups and downs. Wrap the letter in festive paper and present it
to your spouse as a special gift.

You’ll find additional suggestions for how to cope with holiday-related stress in an article by Teri Brown: "Clomid for Christmas: Surviving Medical Treatments During the Holidays." Check it out at preconception.com.

For more news and information about
adoption, visit www.laurachristianson.com,
and check out my Exploring Adoption bookstore.

The "Living a New Life With Infertility" blog reprinted an interesting article written by Vita Alligood for RESOLVE (the national infertility organization) about what to say–and what not to say–to a friend who’s experiencing fertility challenges.

Here are the article’s subject headings — you’ll want to read the full text under each heading:

• Don’t Tell Them to Relax
• Don’t Minimize the Problem
• Don’t Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
• Don’t Say They Aren’t Meant to Be Parents
• Don’t Ask Why They Aren’t Trying IVF
• Don’t Offer Unsolicited Opinions If They Are Trying IVF
• Don’t Play Doctor
• Don’t Be Crude
• Don’t Complain About Your Pregnancy
• Don’t Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
• Don’t Gossip About Your Friend’s Condition
• Don’t Push Adoption (Yet)
• Let Them Know That You Care
• Let Them Know That You Care
• Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments

My new book, The Adoption Decision: 15 Things You Want to Know Before Adopting, has a chapter called "Missed Conception: Adopt And You’ll Get Pregnant," in which I share anecdotes from several infertile people (myself included) who explain how they worked through all the advice they received when they were struggling with infertility. Read the chapter summary and a short excerpt.

For more news and information about adoption, visit www.laurachristianson.com, and
check out my Exploring
Adoption bookstore.

Consumer Reports (October 2007) discusses a small study that suggests Viagra might impair male fertility.

"Semen samples from 57 men were exposed tot he same concentrations of sildenafil (Viagra) present in the blood 30 minutes after taking a 100-milligram pill. They found that the drug made sperm more active and caused premature activation of an enzyme needed for the penetration of an egg, potentially thwarting fertilization."

The findings conflict with those of some previous studies, so it’s uncertain how definitive the results of this small study are. What I found interesting about the article is that the use of erectile drugs among men ages 18 to 45 has soared. Most of the ads you see on TV portray older gentlemen, but apparently, younger men are frequently using the drug "recreationally."