We adopted our sons when they were newborns, and adoption has always been a normal part of the vocabulary around our home.

When Ben was 6 years old and Josh was 3, we went to the hospital to meet one of their newborn cousins. The boys looked around in wonderment. Babies were born in hospitals!

“I thought all babies came from the adoption agency,” remarked Ben.

We have never led our sons to believe that all babies originate at the adoption agency; that was just their assumption. To them, adoption is the normal way to join one’s family; they thought it odd that babies appear on the scene in any other way.

When Should You Tell Your Child Who His Birth Parents Are?

Recently, I spoke with an adoptive mom who shares an open adoption with her oldest daughter’s birth mother. Her daughter, age 4 ½, has always known her birth mother. However, she doesn’t know that the woman is her
birth mother – she thinks she’s just a good friend of the family.

I recommended that the parents and birth mom reveal the identity of the birth mother sooner, rather than later. I believe that the girl will be less apt to resent her parents and her birth mother for keeping secrets, which will save everyone potential heartache in the long run.

Children are so resilient…if the girl learns who her birth mother is now, at age 4, in a couple of years, it will seem as if she’s always known who her birth mother is.

There are two viewpoints about when to discuss adoption with your children.

Theory #1 recommends postponing the discussion of adoption until the child is between the ages of 5 and 7. At that age, say some psychologists, the child will have the inner strength to incorporate and cope with the information.

Theory #2 recommends discussing adoption from the moment the child comes into the family.

I adhere to Theory #2. We have shown our sons photos of their birth parents since they were infants, and we have identified them as their birth parents since day one. We display pictures of their birth families on our fridge (including siblings, grandparents, cousins, etc.) along with the rest of our extended family. I’m hopeful that our sons are growing up with a healthy view of both adoption and of their birth parents.

Yes, I realize that our sons silently grieve over what is often referred to as “the primal wound.” I realize that they wonder why their birth parents made an adoption plan for them. I realize that they may struggle with attachment issues and with rejection issues, even if they aren’t able to articulate them. And I do my best to make sure they feel loved, accepted and welcomed, by both their birth and adoptive parents.

Jeanne Stevenson-Moessner says it well in her book, The Spirit of Adoption: At Home in God’s Family:

“It is essential that adopted children be helped to understand that relinquishment can be tenderly undertaken. Hopefully, the pain of being given up, which connotes abandonment, can be ameliorated with the understanding that an adopted child is given to a welcoming family, a phrase implying loving intent. When possible, it is beneficial to tell adopted children how lovingly the plans for adoption were made. It is of utmost importance that adopted children be told of how expectantly they were awaited, how they grew to life in the hearts of their adoptive parents.”

Over the past 17 years, we have exchanged birthday and Christmas gifts with our sons’ birth families. During the first two years after adopting our oldest son, our adoption agency served as the middleman for all correspondence exchanged. After that, we mutually decided to open our adoption and began communicating (and exchanging gifts) directly.

Here are five recommendations, based on our family’s experiences:

1.  Ask permission to exchange gifts.

If you’re an adoptive parent, keep in mind that your child’s birth parent(s) are probably not nearly as wealthy as you are. While it’s important for your child’s birth parent(s) to know you care, sending an extravagant gift can make a birth parent feel awkward.

Some birth parents may feel as if you’re sending them a “payoff” to thank them for letting you adopt their child. Others may feel obligated to reciprocate by sending an expensive gift of their own—a gift they can’t afford to purchase.

Birth family members, too, can go overboard and can even develop unhealthy gift-giving “competitions.” The grandma on the birth father’s side, for instance, might hear that the grandma on the birth mother’s side sent five expensive presents, so she sends ten expensive presents. The adoptive family, overwhelmed with loads of gifts, may respond by requesting that no gifts be sent. Then everyone feels hurt, confused, and unhappy.

It’s best to be completely honest with one another regarding the times of year you’ll exchange gifts (your child’s birthday is the most important time), the amount of gifts you’ll send (one gift is appropriate), and even, the cost of the gift (agree to spend $50 or less…or $20 or less).

2.  Include gift receipts.

This may sound totally tacky, but it works for our family (when I say “family,” I mean adoptive and birth families). Because adoptive and birth families may not visit one another in person, it’s hard to judge how quickly a child is growing…to know what size he’s wearing this week or whether he’s fixated on Beanie Babies, books, or baseball cards.

We sometimes receive well-intended, but inappropriate gifts: clothes that are the wrong size (or the wrong color or style, according to our fashion-conscious sons), movie DVDs that are inappropriate for their ages, or toys they grew out of playing with years ago. It’s awkward to tell a child’s birth grandparent or birth parent, “Er—you know that PG-13 video you sent?  Well, he’s only 10 and we don’t allow him to watch PG-13 movies.”

Agreeing to include gift receipts eliminates awkwardness and allows the recipient to exchange the gift for something more appropriate.

We’ve taught our children that when they receive gifts that they already own (another common occurrence) or that will need to be exchanged, to simply smile and say, “Thank you for the gift. I really appreciate it.”

3.  Write thank-you notes.

I confess; we often forget to follow through with writing thank-you notes. Our sons hate to write (they assume that having a mother who’s a professional writer covers any writing they’ll have to do for the rest of their lives). I practically have to chain them to the chair and threaten them with bodily harm to get them to write thank-you notes.

And yes, I’m referring to the hand-written notes you send through postal mail! It doesn’t matter whether the note simply says, “Dear Grandma, Thank you for the gift. Love Jessica.” Your child’s birth family will love seeing her cute handwriting and/or drawings. Include a photo of the child (a candid snapshot or a wallet-sized portrait is perfect) with the thank-you note.

Most computers come with rudimentary photo-editing software. You can scan a photo of your child or download a digital photo and print out your own custom photo thank-you cards. I’ve had birth grandparents tell me that the photo card resides on their mantle year-round, and that the artwork my children enclose hold a place of honor on their fridge.

4.  Send handmade or “family tradition” gifts whenever possible.

Whoever coined the phrase, “It’s the thought that counts” was dead-on. I can barely remember the truckloads of train sets, Legos, clothes, and gift cards our sons have received from their respective birth families. But I think of Josh’s birth grandma every day when I see him snuggling beneath the quilt she sewed for him a couple of years ago. And I think of Ben’s birth grandma when I see the baby blanket she gave him when he was a newborn, stuffed next to his pillow.

One birth grandma sends our son a silver dollar “from Santa” to put in his Christmas stocking every year. It’s a simple, inexpensive gift, but it’s part of her family tradition—she does the same thing for her sons. Our son loves digging that silver dollar out of his stocking (which he pretends is “from Santa”); he now has a silver dollar that represents each year of his life.

Another birth grandma treats our sons to handmade Halloween, Easter, and Christmas baskets every year. Our sons rip into these gifts with delight. The baskets (or bags) usually contain little trinkets from the dollar store, some candy, and a brief, handwritten note from Grandma. But they don’t care. For them, the excitement is in:

1) anticipating the gift
2) opening the box to see what cool thing Grandma thought of this year
3) knowing Grandma and Grandpa love them

I am not a “crafty” person; sewing machines, pincushions, knitting needles and glue guns send me running the other direction, fast. But I love to take pictures, especially pictures of my kids. I upload my favorite shots of my sons to Shutterfly and create custom photo calendars for each birth parent and grandparent. They tell me that they love the calendars and that they never throw them out.

5.  Include additional children in the gift exchange.

We have two sons, adopted from different birth families. Ben’s birth mom is married and has three additional children. Josh’s birth parents have two additional children. We’re also in contact with several sets of birth grandparents and great grandparents, as well as a few aunts, uncles, and cousins. That amounts to what could be a lot of gift-giving.

As our families have continued to grow, we’ve agreed to exchange gifts just among the children. So we give gifts to the birth parents’ children and they give gifts to both our children.

Some people think this is weird and ask, “Why would a birth parent give a gift to a child who isn’t theirs?”

I reply, “Because our sons’ birth parents are thoughtful.” They imagine how difficult it would be for one child to get an ultra-cool gift from them and for the other child to receive nothing.

Trust me; kids have gift radar and they sense instantly whether one person is “getting shafted.” They may even hold it over their sibling: “My birth mom likes me better than she likes you.”  Or: “My birth mom loves me more than your birth mom loves you.”  Or (to a sibling who was not adopted): “My birth mom sends me presents, but since you’re not her birth child, you don’t get any.”

We give gifts to our sons’ biological siblings, as well (we usually
give Christmas gifts because it’s hard to keep track of all the
birthdays). Why? Because we like to. And because we truly are part of one
another’s extended family.

I often share information for pre-adoptive parents on my Exploring Adoption blog. But post-adoptive families need support, too. It may not feel like it during the adoption process, but the post-adoption period lasts much longer than the pre-adoptive one.

Here are a couple of recommended resources for post-adoptive families.  If you have favorites, be sure to share them in the Comments area.

Handbook on Thriving as an Adoptive Family: Real-Life Solutions to Common Challenges

(David and Renee Sanford, general editors).

This collection is appropriate for both pre- and post-adoptive families, and includes a wide spectrum of information (each chapter is written by a different adoption expert… I wrote Chapter 4). The book was published by Focus on the Family (a conservative Christian organization), and is written from a Christian perspective, but it is not evangelistic in nature.

A Step-by-Step Guide to Post-Adoption

The guide defines the types of resources available for parents after the adoption is finalized, how to select and locate providers, and what to do if no resources exist in their community. It also includes recommendations of other national non-profit organizations that can help.

Jockey International, Inc. Chairman and CEO, Debra S. Waller, believes the new publication is a critical link for parents to gain information and access to post-adoption resources.

“It is heartbreaking to know that without post-adoption services, ten to fifteen percent of adoptions will fail each year. Every family deserves the support and resources to help them succeed,” she explained. “Jockey is proud to support this informative guide that helps adoptive parents take the first steps to strengthening their families.”

A reader named Ron – who’s a new adoptive grandpa – writes:

My daughter and her husband have adopted an African American baby. My wife and I are both elated to have a grand-daughter. We want to do the right things so she, as an African American will be fine being adopted by a Caucasian family.  We love her dearly but love may not take care of everything.

Can you suggest any books or organizations that positively deal with this family structure?

My reply:

Ron, it’s great that you are so conscientious and supportive of your daughter and her husband’s new family structure.

• I recommend visiting Bridge Communications. Michelle Hughes is an expert at helping multiracial adoptive families. When I met her at the Ours Through Adoption Conference in Green Bay, WI this spring, she said, “I teach white parents how to raise black children.” That’s putting it bluntly, but it describes what Michelle does.

• My book, The Adoption Decision, includes a chapter about transracial adoption, with stories from new adoptive families who are experiencing the challenges and joys. The chapter also mentions several resources for helping families work through transracial adoption.

• One of my favorite books about transracial adoption is Black Baby, White Hands, a memoir by Jaiya John.

My Adoption Bookstore (from Amazon) lists many other adoption books I’ve read and enjoyed.

Readers, how about you? What resources, books, or organizations about trans-racial adoption have you found helpful?

Cindy Bigelow, founder and director of CHOSEN International, alerted me to the following:

Christian camp designed especially for teens, adopted at any age, both domestic and international.

Dates: August 28-30, 2009

Place: Eagle Fern Camp (near Portland, Oregon)

Camp theme: “The Father Heart of God,” and finding your identity in who God says you are

Speakers: Adult adoptees, including:

• Kim Deardorff, a musician from Nashville who was found in a garbage dump as a baby in Korea. He just finished touring with some of Christian music’s top artists on the Winter Jam Tour.
• Stephanie Fast, an internationally-known speaker whose story is one of Focus on the Family’s most requested broadcasts ever (I’ve heart Stephanie speak; she’s amazing).
• Michael Froke, who was in foster care and never adopted. He now is an adoptive dad, and leads a large recovery ministry in Southern Oregon.

Cost: $100, which includes a popular CHOSEN hoodie. Some partial scholarships are available through Chosen.  Also, some churches are paying the tuition for teens from their church to attend.

CHOSEN board member (and popular adoption author/speaker) Sherrie Eldridge has said:

Something extraordinary happens when adoptees connect with one another, a reassurance of being understood, an unspoken bond, a feeling of camaraderie, a sense of belonging…

Cindy writes:

The adult adoptees that we have as speakers have an incredible way of relating to the teens…they help them process many of the emotions related to feelings of abandonment, rejection, shame and loss by sharing the way God has taken them through these feelings to claim their inheritance from Him.

For more info and to download a registration form, visit the Events page at www.choseninternational.org.

CHOSEN International is a faith based nonprofit organization providing educational, emotional and spiritual support to teen adoptees and their parents.

By Beckie Stewart
Guest Columnist

In her book, The Adoption Decision, Laura Christianson writes:

“When Caucasian families adopt children of a different ethnicity, they become a minority family.”

When I read this statement, it took me back to the journey our family made to receive this honorary status.

My husband and I were raised in families in which racist comments arose on a regular basis. Our adoption agency informed us that we had a high chance of being matched with a Eurasian daughter with our selection of Kazakhstan. A deep concern plagued me, especially as we waited for that first glance of our daughter. I later discovered that my fears regarding our family’s feelings were unmerited. Both sides of our family received our daughter with open arms.

Quite honestly, I had my own struggles in our choice to adopt a different ethnicity—struggles which had nothing to do with prejudice. The conflict within me focused on the attention I anticipated our daughter would receive due to her appearance compared to the rest of the family.

I feared constant questions and intrusion about her adoption. I dreaded people asking about the cost, but more then that, the continual focus on her being adopted.

I didn’t intend on withholding information about her adoption, but I feared the ceaseless reminder might cause insecurity and problems for her. I conquered some of this apprehension by helping her feel proud about being born in Kazakhstan and talking freely with her about it.

I also wondered how she would feel if someone accused us of not being her parents? While leaving an establishment with her at 18 months old, I received questions about her being my child.  My daughter wouldn’t identify me as her mother, but thankfully, my friend with me did. I discovered from that episode the importance in carrying an identification card for her. I never leave home without it now.

I found that admitting my own inner battle to others eased my concerns and helped me see that others wrestled with the same issues.  My daughter has been with us for a little over three years now, and I’m proud to be considered her mother—and a minority family.

Beckie Stewart is a regular guest columnist on Exploring Adoption. She also blogs at godsgraciousgems.blogspot.com.

By Debbie Jansen
Guest Columnist

Recently, I approached church moms with this question, “How do you plan to potty train your child?”  The answers were both astonishing and alarming.

All of the above ideas can be damaging to your child because they don’t consider all the factors that make up potty training.  The thought process, bodily functions, mental capabilities, social gratification and self-esteem of your child must all play a role in potty training.

For the first time in your child’s life, he/she must learn a new task and transfer that task from the subconscious to the conscious.  Instead of a subconscious act, they must think ahead and plan for the future.  In place of no thoughts, he must understand that waiting until the last minute could mean soiled clothes.  Instead of enjoying play dates without concerns, she must now think about her appearance. 

That’s a huge task for such a little body and inexperienced mind.  There’s good news!  Potty training is easy and can be done in one day.  All it takes is a little planning, an understanding of your child’s needs and a lot of love.

**If you are facing this daunting task, I encourage you to get my 16-page booklet, Potty Training in One Day.  This booklet will help you train your child as you build your relationship.  Go to www.debbiejansen.com and click on Resources.

Debbie Jansen is the author of Discipline Exposed: Surviving Fried Worms and Flying Mudballs.

Visit her blogs at:

• www.family-tracks.blogspot.com

• www.mommydetective.blogspot.com

• www.authorsjustwrite.blogspot.com

I received an e-mail from the parents of a biological daughter born in 2006. They hope to adopt a sibling group but are concerned about how that will impact their daughter over the long haul.

When people ask me what to expect when adding an adopted child (or children) to the mix when there are already birth children in the family, I respond:

My statement isn't a cop out; it's true. I know many families who have both bio and adopted children. For some of these families, the transition is quick and painless. For just as many others, it's long and painful.

So much depends upon:

• how one prepares their child(ren) for the arrival of a new sibling (whether that sibling be by birth or adoption)
• the type of support the extended family offers
• the family dynamics
• birth order shifts
• the emotional health of the child being adopted

I always recommend that families seek counseling from a therapist who specializes in adoption issues (yes, they exist!). Doing family counseling during those first few crucial transition months can smooth the transition for everyone, and provide family members with excellent tools for negotiating conflicts that are bound to arise. The social worker who is conducting your home study can refer you to counselors in your area who specialize in adoption.

Let's help this family out, readers.

• If you are part of a family that has both birth and adopted siblings, please share your overall experiences/advice in the Comments area.
• Please do the same if your family includes an adopted sibling group.
• What are some of resources and books on this topic that you recommend?

Because adopted children usually arrive on the scene without much advance notice, parents who work outside the home (particularly single parents) must scramble to find childcare. 
It’s not uncommon for an adoptive parent to spend most of his or her adoption leave madly searching for a nanny, daycare, or pre-school.

Enter speed babysitting. You’ve heard of speed dating, in which singles gather at a café or pub and chat for five minutes with a bunch of other singles. Apply that concept to finding a babysitter.

Sitter Socials, a California-based program, is one of a few services around the country that matches parents with available babysitters. Clients (aka, parents in need of a sitter) pay $50 to attend a neighborhood speed meeting (okay, “speed meeting” sounds vaguely illegal, but you get my drift). Parents spend three minutes apiece interviewing about a dozen potential babysitters. 

In addition, clients receive a book that contains profiles, references, and contact info for local babysitters (that, alone, would be worth 50 bucks!).

Sitter Socials also offer snacks and door prizes. After the initial speed interviews, there’s time for parents and sitters to negotiate deals.

It isn’t a perfect system, I suppose, but nothing in the I-need-childcare-right-now world is. I’m not sure whether speed babysitting applies to all-day care, or is just for parents in need of a night out. Either way, it might be worth looking into.

What do you think, readers? Have you tried speed babysitting? Did it work for you?

Source:
“Speed baby-sitting follows quickie dating,” by John Rogers, Associated Press, KnoxNews.com

Want to learn some easy, low-budget tips for starting an adoption support community? Watch this 10-minute video. During my appearance on the TV talk show, The Harvest Show, I explain:

• Why it's critical to start an adoption support network for adoptive families, birth families, and adopted people.
• Tips for how anyone can start an adoption support community.
• Low-budget suggestions for how to start a ministry in your church.
• Forming healthy relationships between birth & adoptive families in open adoption.