When Should You Tell Your Child He Was Adopted?

in Parenting

We adopted our sons when they were newborns, and adoption has always been a normal part of the vocabulary around our home.

When Ben was 6 years old and Josh was 3, we went to the hospital to meet one of their newborn cousins. The boys looked around in wonderment. Babies were born in hospitals!

“I thought all babies came from the adoption agency,” remarked Ben.

We have never led our sons to believe that all babies originate at the adoption agency; that was just their assumption. To them, adoption is the normal way to join one’s family; they thought it odd that babies appear on the scene in any other way.

When Should You Tell Your Child Who His Birth Parents Are?

Recently, I spoke with an adoptive mom who shares an open adoption with her oldest daughter’s birth mother. Her daughter, age 4 ½, has always known her birth mother. However, she doesn’t know that the woman is her
birth mother – she thinks she’s just a good friend of the family.

I recommended that the parents and birth mom reveal the identity of the birth mother sooner, rather than later. I believe that the girl will be less apt to resent her parents and her birth mother for keeping secrets, which will save everyone potential heartache in the long run.

Children are so resilient…if the girl learns who her birth mother is now, at age 4, in a couple of years, it will seem as if she’s always known who her birth mother is.

There are two viewpoints about when to discuss adoption with your children.

Theory #1 recommends postponing the discussion of adoption until the child is between the ages of 5 and 7. At that age, say some psychologists, the child will have the inner strength to incorporate and cope with the information.

Theory #2 recommends discussing adoption from the moment the child comes into the family.

I adhere to Theory #2. We have shown our sons photos of their birth parents since they were infants, and we have identified them as their birth parents since day one. We display pictures of their birth families on our fridge (including siblings, grandparents, cousins, etc.) along with the rest of our extended family. I’m hopeful that our sons are growing up with a healthy view of both adoption and of their birth parents.

Yes, I realize that our sons silently grieve over what is often referred to as “the primal wound.” I realize that they wonder why their birth parents made an adoption plan for them. I realize that they may struggle with attachment issues and with rejection issues, even if they aren’t able to articulate them. And I do my best to make sure they feel loved, accepted and welcomed, by both their birth and adoptive parents.

Jeanne Stevenson-Moessner says it well in her book, The Spirit of Adoption: At Home in God’s Family:

“It is essential that adopted children be helped to understand that relinquishment can be tenderly undertaken. Hopefully, the pain of being given up, which connotes abandonment, can be ameliorated with the understanding that an adopted child is given to a welcoming family, a phrase implying loving intent. When possible, it is beneficial to tell adopted children how lovingly the plans for adoption were made. It is of utmost importance that adopted children be told of how expectantly they were awaited, how they grew to life in the hearts of their adoptive parents.”

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Consider Options for Building Your Family: Create a Flow Chart

in Exploring Adoption Options, Infertility Issues

RESOLVE (www.resolve.org), The National Infertility Association, recommends that people assess their fertility diagnosis and treatment options by creating a “decision tree.”

I recommend the decision tree as a handy tool for those considering family building through birth or adoption.

A decision tree is essentially a flow chart. Here’s how to create one:

  1. Write your primary goal at the top left side a piece of paper and circle it.
  2. To the right of your primary goal, list options for how you can achieve the goal.
  3. Under each option, list its pros and cons.

For example, you might list your primary goal as, “To Create a Family.” Options for achieving that goal may include trying to get pregnant on your own, undergoing surgery, taking fertility medications, pursuing assisted reproductive technology (ART), or investigating adoption. For each of those options, you should brainstorm a detailed list of pros and cons.

If you’re brainstorming pros and cons about adoption, for instance, you might include:

Pros:

  • No pregnancy risks
  • Provide a loving home to a child

Cons:

  • Expenses
  • Fears about child’s genetic heritage

A decision tree is a helpful method to analyze what’s most important to you about family building. Writing down your options prevents you from overlooking important details and it gives you a sense of control over your family-building decisions.

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Why It’s Important to Use Respectful Adoption Language

in News, Issues, & Commentary

In a column about sex education in my local newspaper, the reporter wrote that high school kids in a local school district who get pregnant “are taught to keep the baby or put it up for adoption.”

Call me hyersensitive, but I cringe when I see the phrases, “keep the baby,” and “put up for adoption.”

I’m a strong advocate for the use of what we in the adoption world call “positive adoption language” or “respectful adoption language.” When I see journalists using the worn-out phrasing, I dash off an e-mail to them, suggesting that they replace the tired language with the terms “parent the baby” and “place for adoption.”

The terms “parent” and “place for adoption are accurate descriptors of what happens when a (birth) mother makes a decision in regards to her child.

These days, many first/birth parents who decide on adoption make a carefully thought-out plan. Rather than “put up” or “give up” their child, which connotes something along the lines of sending an unwanted dog to the pound, birth parents “place” their child (often, literally), into the arms of his or her adoptive parents.

People who decide to parent their babies hopefully do just that. They don’t just “keep” their baby; they actively parent him or her.

While the distinction among the phrases may seem minor, words wield a tremendous power to shape opinions about adoption. I believe that adoptive parents and others touched by adoption have the responsibility to carefully consider the types of words we use to describe adoption. And we need to gently encourage others to incorporate respectful adoption language into their vocabularies.

WE are the ones who will shape attitudes towards adoption for the next generation.

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How Much Would You Pay to Get Pregnant?

in Financing Fertility, Infertility Issues

For the one in six couples blindsided by impaired fertility, the quest to achieve pregnancy can become all-consuming—battering emotions, body, and pocketbook. How much are you willing to pay for a pregnancy? Jeff Opdyke addressed this issue in a column for The Wall Street Journal.

Certainly, there are many who will immediately say that no price is too dear to experience the joys of parenthood and to bring into this world a life that is of your flesh and blood,” writes Opdyke.

But when couples learn that a natural pregnancy is unlikely, they’re faced with immediate, very difficult decisions:

  • If at first we don’t succeed, how many times should we try, try again?
  • If medical treatment doesn’t work, do we have a Plan B, such as adoption or remaining child free?
  • Just how much money are we willing to spend on treatment that may not work?
  • Should we reserve funds for pursuing other paths to parenthood?

“Money often takes a back seat in the initial discussions—lost in the emotion of the moment,” writes Opdyke. He adds, “It doesn’t do any good to ignore the financial component, even if it seems crude to put a price on childbirth.”

I agree. In my volunteer work with couples facing fertility challenges, I have met couples who spent upwards of $100,000 in their quest to become pregnant. Some have refinanced their homes; others have moved cross country to find jobs that offer excellent fertility treatment benefits. Most, unfortunately, have gone heavily into debt and even into bankruptcy.

One friend told me, “There’s always the hope that next time, the treatment will work. Next time, they will have invented some new drug or new procedure that I just have to try.”

Next time…next time. The kernel of hope remains through seemingly endless cycles of hope and anticipation followed by defeat and intense grief.

With the fixation of conceiving or carrying a child to term always before you, it’s hard to set limits. Opdyke writes that “money and motherhood…become so entangled that rational thought will disappear.”

And yet, rational thought is critical when a couple considers treatment. Limits must be set. You and your spouse must sit down and closely examine your finances, preferably BEFORE you begin treatment.

  • How much do you have in savings?
  • In home equity?
  • In workplace health benefits?
  • Are you willing to take out a loan? If so, for how much?
  • Are you willing to move to another state, to a job that offers better fertility benefits?
  • Are you willing to sell your nice new car and drive a used model?
  • Are you willing to downsize?
  • Should you get pregnant and give birth, how much money will you need to pay for your child’s basic needs, for daycare, or for potential medical issues the child may experience?

Harsh as it may sound, taking an honest look at your finances will save you potential heartache. If you determine that you can afford $40,000 in your quest for a child, you might decide to budget $20,000 for one cycle of IVF (in vitro fertilization) and the remaining $20,000 for adoption.

Or you may elect to try two or three IVF cycles. Whatever you decide, it’s imperative to be emotionally prepared to walk away from treatment when you’ve reached your financial limits.

Yes, it’s excruciating to walk away – I’ve done so myself. But when my husband and I worked up the courage to walk away from fertility treatment, we had something to walk toward. That “something” was the two delightful babies whom we adopted.

What about you? If you’ve experienced fertility challenges, what boundary-setting have you done that works for you? What do you wish you’d done differently?

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Transracial Adoption from Foster Care: Why Parents Should Not Be ‘Color-Blind’

in Foster-Adoption, Transracial Adoption

Transracial Family
Some statistics:

  • African American children represent 15 percent of the U.S. child population, but 32 percent of the 510,000 children in foster care (FY 2006). They also remain in foster care an average of nine months longer than white children who are adopted.
  • About 20 percent of the black children adopted out of foster care are adopted by white parents.

Research on transracial adoption supports three main conclusions:

  1. Transracial adoption in itself does not produce psychological or social maladjustment problems in children.
  2. Transracially adopted children and their families face a range of challenges, and the manner in which parents handle them facilitates or hinders children’s development.
  3. Children in foster care come to adoption with many risk factors that pose challenges for healthy development. For these children, research points to the importance of adoptive placements with families who can address their individual issues and maximize their opportunity to develop to their fullest potential.

In other words, parents of children adopted from foster care need to abandon the “colorblind” approach – the assumption that “all kids are the same, and I’m going to ignore the fact that I’m a white parent of a black child.”

Instead, parents need to take a “color conscious” approach. They need to receive pre-adoption training that prepares them for the challenges transracial families are likely to face, and they need to intentionally help their child develop a positive sense of ethnic identity.

As you might have guessed, there’s a new research study on this topic: “Finding Families for African American Children: The Role of Race & Law in Adoption From Foster Care.” You can read the entire report at the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute.

If you prefer a more conversational approach on the topic of transracial adoption and developing a healthy ethnic identity, you’ll find it in my book, The Adoption Decision: 15 Things You Want to Know Before Adopting.

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Five Tips for Exchanging Gifts Among Birth and Adoptive Families

in Birth Parents, Open Adoption, Parenting

Over the past 17 years, we have exchanged birthday and Christmas gifts with our sons’ birth families. During the first two years after adopting our oldest son, our adoption agency served as the middleman for all correspondence exchanged. After that, we mutually decided to open our adoption and began communicating (and exchanging gifts) directly.

Here are five recommendations, based on our family’s experiences:

1.  Ask permission to exchange gifts.

If you’re an adoptive parent, keep in mind that your child’s birth parent(s) are probably not nearly as wealthy as you are. While it’s important for your child’s birth parent(s) to know you care, sending an extravagant gift can make a birth parent feel awkward.

Some birth parents may feel as if you’re sending them a “payoff” to thank them for letting you adopt their child. Others may feel obligated to reciprocate by sending an expensive gift of their own—a gift they can’t afford to purchase.

Birth family members, too, can go overboard and can even develop unhealthy gift-giving “competitions.” The grandma on the birth father’s side, for instance, might hear that the grandma on the birth mother’s side sent five expensive presents, so she sends ten expensive presents. The adoptive family, overwhelmed with loads of gifts, may respond by requesting that no gifts be sent. Then everyone feels hurt, confused, and unhappy.

It’s best to be completely honest with one another regarding the times of year you’ll exchange gifts (your child’s birthday is the most important time), the amount of gifts you’ll send (one gift is appropriate), and even, the cost of the gift (agree to spend $50 or less…or $20 or less).

2.  Include gift receipts.

This may sound totally tacky, but it works for our family (when I say “family,” I mean adoptive and birth families). Because adoptive and birth families may not visit one another in person, it’s hard to judge how quickly a child is growing…to know what size he’s wearing this week or whether he’s fixated on Beanie Babies, books, or baseball cards.

We sometimes receive well-intended, but inappropriate gifts: clothes that are the wrong size (or the wrong color or style, according to our fashion-conscious sons), movie DVDs that are inappropriate for their ages, or toys they grew out of playing with years ago. It’s awkward to tell a child’s birth grandparent or birth parent, “Er—you know that PG-13 video you sent?  Well, he’s only 10 and we don’t allow him to watch PG-13 movies.”

Agreeing to include gift receipts eliminates awkwardness and allows the recipient to exchange the gift for something more appropriate.

We’ve taught our children that when they receive gifts that they already own (another common occurrence) or that will need to be exchanged, to simply smile and say, “Thank you for the gift. I really appreciate it.”

3.  Write thank-you notes.

I confess; we often forget to follow through with writing thank-you notes. Our sons hate to write (they assume that having a mother who’s a professional writer covers any writing they’ll have to do for the rest of their lives). I practically have to chain them to the chair and threaten them with bodily harm to get them to write thank-you notes.

And yes, I’m referring to the hand-written notes you send through postal mail! It doesn’t matter whether the note simply says, “Dear Grandma, Thank you for the gift. Love Jessica.” Your child’s birth family will love seeing her cute handwriting and/or drawings. Include a photo of the child (a candid snapshot or a wallet-sized portrait is perfect) with the thank-you note.

Most computers come with rudimentary photo-editing software. You can scan a photo of your child or download a digital photo and print out your own custom photo thank-you cards. I’ve had birth grandparents tell me that the photo card resides on their mantle year-round, and that the artwork my children enclose hold a place of honor on their fridge.

4.  Send handmade or “family tradition” gifts whenever possible.

Whoever coined the phrase, “It’s the thought that counts” was dead-on. I can barely remember the truckloads of train sets, Legos, clothes, and gift cards our sons have received from their respective birth families. But I think of Josh’s birth grandma every day when I see him snuggling beneath the quilt she sewed for him a couple of years ago. And I think of Ben’s birth grandma when I see the baby blanket she gave him when he was a newborn, stuffed next to his pillow.

One birth grandma sends our son a silver dollar “from Santa” to put in his Christmas stocking every year. It’s a simple, inexpensive gift, but it’s part of her family tradition—she does the same thing for her sons. Our son loves digging that silver dollar out of his stocking (which he pretends is “from Santa”); he now has a silver dollar that represents each year of his life.

Another birth grandma treats our sons to handmade Halloween, Easter, and Christmas baskets every year. Our sons rip into these gifts with delight. The baskets (or bags) usually contain little trinkets from the dollar store, some candy, and a brief, handwritten note from Grandma. But they don’t care. For them, the excitement is in:

1) anticipating the gift
2) opening the box to see what cool thing Grandma thought of this year
3) knowing Grandma and Grandpa love them

I am not a “crafty” person; sewing machines, pincushions, knitting needles and glue guns send me running the other direction, fast. But I love to take pictures, especially pictures of my kids. I upload my favorite shots of my sons to Shutterfly and create custom photo calendars for each birth parent and grandparent. They tell me that they love the calendars and that they never throw them out.

5.  Include additional children in the gift exchange.

We have two sons, adopted from different birth families. Ben’s birth mom is married and has three additional children. Josh’s birth parents have two additional children. We’re also in contact with several sets of birth grandparents and great grandparents, as well as a few aunts, uncles, and cousins. That amounts to what could be a lot of gift-giving.

As our families have continued to grow, we’ve agreed to exchange gifts just among the children. So we give gifts to the birth parents’ children and they give gifts to both our children.

Some people think this is weird and ask, “Why would a birth parent give a gift to a child who isn’t theirs?”

I reply, “Because our sons’ birth parents are thoughtful.” They imagine how difficult it would be for one child to get an ultra-cool gift from them and for the other child to receive nothing.

Trust me; kids have gift radar and they sense instantly whether one person is “getting shafted.” They may even hold it over their sibling: “My birth mom likes me better than she likes you.”  Or: “My birth mom loves me more than your birth mom loves you.”  Or (to a sibling who was not adopted): “My birth mom sends me presents, but since you’re not her birth child, you don’t get any.”

We give gifts to our sons’ biological siblings, as well (we usually
give Christmas gifts because it’s hard to keep track of all the
birthdays). Why? Because we like to. And because we truly are part of one
another’s extended family.

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Choosing an Adoption Agency – Radio Show

February 16, 2010 Exploring Adoption Options

I’ll be a guest on the Creating a Family radio show Wednesday Feb. 17, 2010 from noon-1 p.m. Eastern Time ( 9-10 a.m. Pacific).
I’ll be discussing how to choose an adoption agency with host Dawn Davenport, and the other guest, Elizabeth Falker (author of The Ultimate Insider’s Guide to Adoption). We’ll be covering agencies for [...]

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Intercountry, Domestic Adoptions Down Significantly

December 21, 2009 Adoption Statistics

The numbers are in: International adoptions for fiscal year 2009 (10-1-08 – 9-30-09) dipped 27 percent from 2008, to 12,753.

Intercountry adoptions peaked in 2004, with 22,884 children from other countries finding homes with U.S. families.
The top 10 countries from which U.S. families adopted in fiscal year 2009 were:

China – 3001
Ethiopia – 2277
Russia – 1586
South Korea [...]

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Adoption Book 2-pack for $15

December 14, 2009 Books, Music & Movies

I have limited 2-packs of my books, The Adoption Decision and The Adoption Network available for $15 (this price includes U.S. shipping).
This is a 30 percent discount off the lowest price Amazon is offering, plus your books will be autographed by the author (me). You can’t get that from Amazon!
If you’re interested in ordering, just [...]

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How to Choose an Adoption Agency

December 8, 2009 Exploring Adoption Options

I’m going to be a guest on Creating a Family radio show January 20, 2010.
We’ll spend a full hour discussing how to choose an adoption agency, facilitator, or attorney.
I’d love to respond to your questions about how to choose an agency, as well as to share experiences from those of you who have recently worked [...]

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