This is Part 2 of an
interview with Diane Lostrangio, Executive Director of New Hope Child and Family Agency in Seattle. In Part 1 (Sept. 26, 2005), we discussed parent-child bonding. Today
we discuss some coping strategies single parents can use when they’re feeling
overwhelmed.
Anxious moments
It’s normal for all parents,
whether they’ve just given birth to a baby or adopted, to feel moments…hours…especially
in the middle of the night, of the hugeness of the responsibility pressing. This
sense of responsibility becomes magnified for single parents, even if they have
a good support system. They feel the additional pressure of, it’s all about me.
If something should happen to me, there’s no one to step in.
Coping mechanism #1: Talk to your adoption social worker
If you’re having trouble coping, there’s no benefit in being
stoic about it. Talk to your social worker about it. If you’re candid with your
caseworker and your caseworker has any experience with singles, the caseworker
can give you the context for what’s normal. The caseworker can also reflect on
your progress over time. When you’re in the middle of it, you don’t see the
progress in your own ability to cope. Sometimes, it’s tremendously reassuring
to realize that parenting may still feel overwhelming at times, but at this
point, two months out, you’re coping a whole lot better than you were at two
weeks out. It’s important to have somebody who can mirror that progress back to
you. Your social worker and another adoptive parent are the best choices to do
that.
Coping mechanism #2:
Hook up with other adoptive parents
The best place to feel freest [about sharing frustrations]
is with other adoptive parents who have walked the path. They’ll understand and
they’ll have a good intuitive sense about whether your feelings are so
pervasive that you may need professional support. Those who are not acquainted
with adoption may have a hard time with the fact that you’re having these
feelings. I would reserve my free speech for those who know the path best.
Your agency can give you the name of another adoptive parent
who is not quite in the same phase that you’re in. It’s great to hook people up
with other people who have walked similar past, but are further along in the
progression.
Coping mechanism #3:
Learn from your child
Children teach us a lot about the need to slow down. Our culture
presses us to work harder and faster. Kids teach us to stay in the moment. If
you do a lot of future thinking and planning, try to catch yourself – to bask
in reading books or pushing your child on a swing. Enjoy those moments, because
they do teach us to slow down; they teach us about the important things in
life.
Coping mechanism #4:
Let it go
Whether you’re two working parents or a single parent, let
go of some of the stuff that isn’t going to matter in the long term, like the
house being messy and things being out of order. Learn to tolerate more disarray;
keep dinner simple and focus on making the transition from daycare into the
evening a positive one.
Typically, you get your child at the end of the day and
they’re ready to see you. You feel like you’re on the track of, “I’ve gotta get
dinner going; I’ve gotta get a load of laundry in.”
Kids from orphanages and foster care are skilled at tuning
into emotional states because their well-being depends on learning how to work
with that.
But we get task oriented and forge ahead. Then both parent
and child melt down.
If you can figure out a way to get in the door and have some
down time together, you can diffuse acting out, crying and power struggling and
you’re both going to feel a lot better.
Rather than heading immediately into the kitchen to start
cooking the meal, eat some finger food or fruit. That way, you satisfy the
initial need to get some food in you, and you can sit and cuddle and read a
book, which is what a small child will really be needing after they haven’t
seen you all day.