“Your son looks so much like you and your husband – he looks
as if he could be part of your family.”
“He is part of our
family,” I reply.
“You know what I mean,” says my new acquaintance.
I am silent. I know what’s coming.
“He resembles you so closely. You’d never know that he’s not
your real child.”
Adoptive families are regularly assailed by acquaintances
who make thoughtless remarks in the presence of our children. We can choose to
ignore the remarks, make an angry retort, answer graciously or respond with a
little sly humor.
One weekend, we attended church with friends we were
visiting. After the service, we introduced ourselves to the official friendly
greeter. Upon spotting our olive-skinned son, friendly greeter person
announced, “Your son doesn’t look anything like either of you. Who does he look
like?”
“The milkman,” I deadpanned.
It’s helpful for families to develop strategies for dealing
with intrusive questions. Some families invent a secret code word or gesture
that lets others in the family know that they’re under busybody attack and are
about to blow their stack. These code words can keep an unpleasant encounter
from escalating, and it’s a fun way for families to develop a sense of
camaraderie and mutual support.
Adoptive parents and kids: What are the most irritating
comments people have made to you? How do you respond? Do you use a code word or
gesture? Send me your thoughts and I’ll compile them and post them.
Birth parents, too, are faced with intrusive questions and
accusations.
- “How many children do you have? How come you kept one child
but put the other one up for adoption?” - “Why did you give up your child? I could never give away my
own flesh and blood.” - “Do you want to take your child back?”
- “Why were you so selfish that you didn’t even want to raise
your own child?”
You may be thinking: She’s making that up. No one would have the audacity to actually ask those questions. My children’s birth parents say otherwise. They’re regularly interrogated with similar questions.
Birth parents: What are the most uncomfortable questions
you’ve been asked? How do you respond? Send me your thoughts and I’ll compile
them and post them.
A link to my e-mail address is in the top left corner of my blog.
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
This is my first attempt;
The most terrible hurtful comment came from our kids grandmother upon the kissing of a blood grandchild to a water granchild. ” Its ok that you kidd you are not really cousins”
When people would say “she looks just like you” to my parents they would just smile and say “thank you.” They never felt the need to make a big deal about me being adopted.
It’s none of most people’s business. As long as the adoptee knows that their family IS real, you don’t have to worry about other people.
Of course I did have one friend when I was a teenager who used to ask things like “How does it FEEL to be adopted?” to which I’d reply something like “I don’t know, how does it FEEL not to be adopted?” She never could answer that one.
I have actually found it quite funny and entertaining when people insist I look like my mom. I just smile and say “thanks” – anything else would just open a big can of worms. It’s amazing how curious (and intrusive) some people can be about adoption.