This the eighth in a
series about adoption and infertility ministries. Parts 1-7 are posted April 3,
5, 7, 11, 18, 24 and 28.
After hosting an infertility seminar and an infertility
workshop at our church’s parenting conference, we decided to form a fertility
challenges support group. Several people who attended the seminars expressed
the desire for ongoing support. They preferred the warmth and anonymity of
meeting in a home, and one of our couples volunteered to host the group at
their home.
Meeting as couples
Although many infertility support groups are for women only,
we decided to establish a couples group. We opened the group to the public, and
couples from several churches attended. One of our couples came from a church
in which assisted reproductive technology was frowned upon. They didn’t feel
safe at their own church sharing the fact that they were receiving medical
treatment for infertility, but they did appreciate the nonjudgmental fellowship
with the Christians in our group.
Several of the men were reticent to speak during the first
few meetings, but they began sharing openly as time went on. Our group elected
to be a “closed” group; once the core group was established, we did not invite
new members. We met once a month for a year and a half.
The group’s structure
Our meetings lasted for about two hours and began with socializing
(cookies and beverages are a must) and updating. Everyone had the option to
share their experiences/feelings or to “pass.” Typical topics of discussion
included tests and treatment, issues such as dealing with extended family
members and co-workers in regards to infertility, and sharing about how you, as
a couple, were handling things.
After our updates, the group’s facilitator led a short
devotional – usually focused on someone from the Bible who experienced
fertility challenges. We then shared prayer requests and prayed for one another
(again, everyone had the option to pray out loud or to listen).
The group’s covenant
When our group formed, we set up guidelines or a covenant.
We agreed that everything said during our meetings would be kept confidential.
We agreed to do no clinic or doctor bashing/praising during the meetings. The
understanding was that another person may have had a totally different
experience with the same doctor or clinic and we didn’t want to hurt people’s
feelings or to endorse one particular practice.
During our sharing time, we used the Quaker Model of Careful
Listening, which I’ll explain in the next entry.
The pros and cons of
an infertility support group
Infertility support groups are joyous and painful at the same
time. Inevitably, someone in the group gets pregnant or decides to adopt. And
while the participants rejoice in one couple’s success, it’s also a painful
reminder of their own struggle. Couples who become pregnant or who decide to
adopt feel uncomfortable attending the group. Highly sensitive to the feelings
of their fellow participants, they usually bow out of the group.
While the bonds formed among members of a fertility
challenges support group are strong, the group members also realize that the
group will be a temporary one, intended to fulfill a specific need during one
of life’s crises.