Part 4 of 5
This week we’re chatting with Melodie Fleming, an adoptive mom of two who co-wrote The Dance of Restoration: Rebuilding a Marriage after Infidelity
Why do you call restoration a dance?
When a couple attempts to reconcile after a betrayal, each partner has a set of needs or desires. These emotions are in direct contrast to one another.
There are three pairs of needs that have emerged as typical and extremely challenging to overcome:
- The Need to Express Anger versus The Desire for Forgiveness
- The Need to Replace Support versus The Desire to Run for Cover
- The Need to Find Answers versus The Desire to Bring an End to the Guilt
We describe these issues and the resolutions to them as three movements to a carefully choreographed dance. Each partner has steps to follow in order to dance through the process of restoration.
Should those involved in affairs confess to their spouse?
Let me answer three different scenarios:
- If the faithful spouse suspects an affair, the straying spouse should answer honestly and with humility.
- If the staying spouse is currently involved in an affair, but wants to cease the affair and remain with his or her mate, he should go see a professional counselor or trusted advisor immediately. All contact with the adulterous partner should be discontinued. If the spouse has indicated suspicions of the affair, it should be confessed. If not, the counselor may need to give guidance on a case-by-case basis.
- If a person had an affair many years ago, but has remained faithful since then, it may not be advantageous to confess. The purpose of confession in these cases is usually to relieve a guilty conscience. This is unfair to the faithful spouse, because hearing the confession can be devastating. We feel a better route is to pursue forgiveness from God without causing unnecessary pain to the innocent spouse. However, questions should be answered honestly if the spouse asks, even after many years.
In any of these cases, we recommend people do not try to navigate through the issues alone. Infidelity is destructive for everyone involved, including the straying spouse. Outside help is usually needed to help pick up the pieces. In our book, we give important criteria for a full confession.
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