Here’s a question from one of my readers, who’s an adoptive mom:
My mother-in-law’s family has put together an online family tree and she sent me the link a few days ago. I found our family, and under each of my children, they’ve included a grafting label that says, "Adopted." This bothers me. Is this a blood line tree or a FAMILY tree? I feel it may make my kids feel they have been labeled.
To me, this smacks of the notion that adopted kids are somehow not really part of a family, simply because they don’t share a genetic connection.
I say: It’s time to get over this stereotype, people! How many of you have step siblings, half siblings, step parents, and adopted people in your immediate family? How many of you have a spouse or life partner (no genetic connection there, I hope!). Statistics say that over 60 percent of us live with people with whom we aren’t genetically connected. So why the compulsion to point out that someone isn’t a "blood" relative? It just doesn’t make sense.
Let’s start focusing on what family members have in common, rather than on what makes them different. We’re all better off when we choose to celebrate one another’s uniqueness and love unconditionally.
What do you say, readers?
- How do you think this mom should respond to her mother-in-law?
- Is it necessary to label kids as "adopted"?
- How might it affect the children?
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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
Thank you Laura! I look forward to hearing how other moms feel.
Although labeling may seem unkind or unfair, I’m reminded that we as Christians (i.e., Gentiles and not Jews) have been grafted into the family tree as adopted sons. To me that is a reminder of a blessing, and not a hurtful thing.
My response to MIL would be simply to ask what her reasons were behind the labeling. Doing so could very well prompt an honest heart-to-heart about her thoughts about adoption.
My personal thought is that aside from medical records, it should not be necessary to label a person as adopted. My sister-in-law tends to resent the fact that she was told to give a parroted response of “I’m adopted and that means I’m special.” When she was young. It wasn’t until later that she knew it meant she was biologically unrelated to the family. In that sense, the labeling could be considered detrimental to her emotional well-being and self-esteem.
I’ve been doing a lot of digging into our family tree over the last couple years. It’s extremely hard to track down people if you don’t know their full history. I’d say for the shear sake of making a genealogical record, it’s important to say a child is adopted – ONLY because you don’t want them to lose their biological identity. In our family tree, I say our daughter is adopted in the comments section so I can also list her biological family information that I know. I never want my daughter to feel she’s not a true treasure in our family but I also don’t want her to feel she has to forget her biological history either. If she ever wanted to track down her biological relatives, I would want her to know everything I know.