A reader asks:
Q: Adoptive parents often have relationships with birth relatives other than their child’s birth parents—such as birth grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins.
How can adoptive parents minimize the risk of hurting the feelings of their relatives in the adoptive extended family when referring to birth relatives using titles such as “Nana,” “Aunt,” or “Grandma”?
A: Relationships with extended family members can be tricky, even within nuclear families. Openness in adoption adds complexity to already-complex family interactions, namely because you are adding an entire set of new relatives into the fold—people with whom you likely had no connection prior to the adoption.
Birth Family Concerns
Members of the extended birth family are usually confused about what role they will play in the adopted child’s life.
They wonder:
- Will I be welcomed by the adoptive family? If so, to what extent?
- Will I have permission to write, e-mail, send gifts, call, or visit? If so, how often?
- Is there is an appropriate “title” by which I’d like the child to refer to me?
- Will I be able to live up to the expectations that accompany my title? If I’m called ‘Grandma,’ will I truly be able to function as ‘Grandma’ to my grandchild who no longer lives within my nuclear family? What will that ‘look’ like?
Adoptive Family Concerns
Members of the extended adoptive family wonder how they’re supposed to treat members of the extended birth family:
- Should I welcome this stranger as a legitimate ‘grandma’?
- Should I ignore the birth family’s existence and pretend that they exist in another universe, entirely separate from the one in which I live?
- Am I willing to share my grandchild with members of the birth family?
- Will we be competing to see who loves the child the most, and who can give the child the most stuff?
- Now that the child is part of my family, do I claim sole ownership? Or because the child is biologically related to the birth family, do they claim ownership, as well?
These are difficult questions. I encourage birth and adoptive families who are planning an open adoption (or who are already in one) to do some soul-searching and to verbalize how you really feel about these relationships. Expressing your concerns, fears, hurts, and questions is an important step conquering those fears and moving forward in an emotionally healthy manner.
Keep in mind that you’re entering uncharted territory—this is likely the first time either you or the other party has encountered a relationship challenge quite like this one, and it’s a good idea to show a lot of grace to the other party when the inevitable errors in judgment occur.
If you’re feeling really brave and comfortable with one another, consider scheduling a “family” meeting (with members of the extended birth and adoptive family in attendance) where you can discuss:
- What titles does everyone prefer to use? (Grandma, Nana, Granny, etc).
- What role will I play in the child’s life?
- What is expected/not expected of me?
- How can I best support and love the adopted child?
My experience
As we’ve forged relationships with our children’s extended birth family, there have definitely been awkward moments and mistakes made. When my mother expressed some reservations about interacting with our kids’ birth family members, I essentially told her, “Get over it. This is the way it’s going to be, so you can either live with it or you can pretend they don’t exist. But the birth family is important to us, and they’re going to be part of our lives, whether or not you choose to welcome them.”
While I know she felt uncomfortable around our sons’ birth family members, she chose to accept the fact that this was the way our lives were going to look, and she eventually came around.
When my mom passed away five years ago, guess who attended her memorial service? Our son’s birth parents and two sets of birth grandparents!
Also in this series:
- Open Adoption Q & A – Part 1 – Birth Sibling Issues
- Open Adoption Q & A – Part 2 – Maintaining Healthy Relationships
- Questions to Ask When Planning an Open Adoption
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