Here are some questions about open adoption I have received from readers:
Q: Did your son’s birth mother have other children after your son? If so, how has your son handled the information that she placed him for adoption yet decided to parent her other children?
A: Yes, both our sons’ birth moms had additional children. Our oldest son’s birth mom married and has three daughters. Our younger son’s birth parents had two more children together, both of whom they are parenting.
Because we visit our kids’ birth parents periodically, our sons have actually asked their birth parents that very question. Their birth parents explain to them that it isn’t because they didn’t want them or don’t love them (their love for them is obvious and our sons know it), but because they were quite young, not yet ready to be parents, and not financially able to manage parenting at that time in their lives.
Of course, my husband and I have answered this same question from our sons, but somehow it carries more weight when it comes “straight from the horse’s mouth.”
In an open adoption situation, it’s important for the birth and adoptive parents to discuss how you’ll respond to this question when your child asks. Your child needs to feel assured that everyone—especially his birth parent(s)—still loves him.
Q: Do you refer to your sons’ birth siblings as brother and sisters?
A: Yes. Sometimes we call them their birth sister/brother, to avoid confusion, but generally, we just refer to them by their names and everyone knows who’s who. Their birth siblings also refer to both our sons as their “big brothers.”
It’s kind of entertaining when people ask my sons how many siblings they have. Depending on the situation, their answers include the following:
- I have one brother
- I have one brother and three sisters
- I have two brothers and a sister
- I have 6 brothers and sisters, but only one brother lives with me
Do you have an open adoption question for me? Ask away!
Read more about open adoption in the May 2008 issue of Adoption
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This post is fabulous.