Today I’m
publishing a guest editorial from Jody Moreen, editor of Adoption Blessings Journal and compiler of the book, Letters and Reflections to My Adopted Daughters (John Newton, hymn
writer of “Amazing Grace). Jody has attended adoption triad support groups for
12 years and has facilitated groups in Indiana and Illinois for over 10 years. Jody, who was
adopted and has reunited with her birth family, has a passion for helping
people understand the dynamics of the closed adoption era.
it was rare that birth parents were encouraged to keep their babies born in
crisis pregnancies. There was a culture of shame (from family, from society and
even from churches who should have practiced the grace of God). Hiding the
“secret” was the rule and many birth mothers were sent away to cold maternity
homes to have the baby alone. These women usually lost their identity because
they left their lives to be hidden away. Many of the men involved in the
pregnancy abandoned them, as did everyone else, who labeled them
"bad" or “disgraceful” women. There was usually little to no
counseling to help the woman make a decision; it was expected – and often
forced upon the woman – that she would relinquish the baby for adoption.
believe that birth parents coldly signed papers and without any feeling walked
away – WRONG! Many birth mothers longed to
keep their babies but there was no support or resources like they have today.
In the past, pregnant girls would have had to quit school. Now they continue in
school, get parenting classes, and often have baby showers and celebrations.
This is so, so opposite of the cultural climate decades ago.
hundreds of women who relinquished babies years ago and their grief today is as
fresh as if it had happened yesterday. They hurt for the loss and were traumatized
for a lifetime over the treatment they received in their time of need and
emotional upheaval. They remember their baby and long to meet him or her. Many
continue to suffer in silence and shame.
dispel the myth that birth mothers “rejected” their babies – they responded to
the situation with the only card they had – they had no choice but to “just
sign” the papers for adoption. Their families said “no” (to parenting); society
turned its face and there were few charitable places such as today’s Crisis
Pregnancy Centers, which aid women and give them food, baby clothes, classes,
counseling and support to parent.
who did leave babies on doorsteps or at hospitals also acted out of fear –
probably the fear of being shunned by their families. They were alone,
misunderstood and did not have loving advocates or helpers in their time of
need. Their actions were not taken out of hate for their baby, but rather, as a
reaction to the fear, shame and abandonment they felt.
those who were adopted and never learned their true story “fill in the blanks.”
I encourage any adoptee who is not educated about the realities of past
adoption practices or who has not met birth parents from the closed adoption
era to attend adoption triad support groups in your area or to join an online
forum. You will grow a new understanding, respect and compassion for these brave,
beautiful women. You will learn that you were not “rejected” but given life.
Instead of abortion, you were given a family. And you were loved by the
“invisible” mother who loved you from a distance.
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
What does abortion have to do with adoption? Who says those children were unwanted children? First you say that the mothers were heavily coerced and then you say that they wanted to have abortions but didn’t. Abortion and adoption are very seperate issues.
Thanks for sharing but I am sorry you missed the point of my article. I am honoring birth parents and shedding a light on the misinformation that can be out there regarding closed adoptions. In most cases of closed adoptions, little to no information was given to the adoptive parents or was not encouraged to be shared with the adoptee. The adoptee is then left to “fill in the blanks of their story why they were adopted.” This was a main reason I chose to write this article. MANY adoptees who do not know their true birth and adoption story can wrongly assume that they were unwanted, rejected children ( my article aims to dispel this myth! )I find it sad that adoptees who do not know their stories due to closed adoption records or lack of information available may wrongly paint a inaccurate picture of the circumstances resulting in their adoption.
At the end of my article I share with adoptees that they were adopted in circumstances of Crisis pregnancy- not aborted. For myself I am full of gratitude to my birth parents for allowing me the priviledge of life and adoption with all it joys and challenges and complexities, I am overjoyed to be alive! For I am aware that if my birth parents could not parent me, ( chose not to parent me or were forced to sign adoption papers) the only other alternative would have been abortion. For this I would say I am blessed to be an adoptee!
how can a child who has been given up through closed adoption and has uncovered that his or her birth mother doesnt want any contact with him or her find support?