The worst fear of every parent who adopts domestically is that a birth parent will decide he or she wants the child back. That’s exactly what happened in two custody battles that culminated Friday in two very different outcomes.
The first case involved a Florida boy, now 3 ½, whose birth mother placed him for adoption in May 2001, when he was two days old. A month before the adoption was supposed to be finalized, the boy’s biological father filed a motion demanding custody. At that time, the judge informed the adoptive parents that the birth father would likely gain custody.
The birth mother supported the adoption until it appeared the court might grant the birth father’s request for custody. In late December 2004, the birth mother was awarded custody (she lives in Illinois, is married to someone else and has an infant daughter) and the birth father was given liberal visitation rights. The adoptive parents appealed the ruling but the court took no action, so today, the little boy went to live with his biological mother.
The second case mirrors the first one: a birth mother made an adoption plan and placed her son with a Colorado couple when he was 3 days old. The boy is now 21 months old. Somewhere along the line (I don’t have the details but I assume it must have been fairly soon after the boy was born), the birthmother changed her mind and won rulings from judges in Missouri (her home state) and Colorado that her son be returned to her. The Colorado Supreme Court intervened and said that a District judge needed to decide what was in the “best interests” of the child in determining custody.
Wonder of wonders, the birth mother and adoptive parents agreed privately that the boy’s adoptive parents should continue their role as parents and his birth mother will move to Colorado to be near him and involved in critical decisions as he grows up. “He has three people who absolutely love him so much that they’d be willing to do anything,” said the boy’s biological mother.
A few reflections:
Adoptive parents tend to live in denial.
We yearn long and hard for a child. When it appears that we’re finally being given the opportunity to adopt one, we’re prepared to move mountains to assure that happens. Sometimes, that means ignoring the obvious. When biological parents challenge the adoption early on, we continue parenting “our” child in the desperate hope that the court system will miraculously change and grant us custody. After all, we’ve already jumped through so many hoops to bring “our” beloved child home. We are convinced that we will be better parents than the birth parents, and that once the child comes
to live in our home, he is ours, period. Our emotions and our love for the child overcome our common sense.
History proves that adoption laws almost always favor the biological parents.
It doesn’t matter whether the adoptive parents believe they’re better parents. It doesn’t matter what’s in “the best interests” of the child. It doesn’t matter whether the birth mother decides she needs to parent her child because she hates the birth father and can’t stand the thought of him regaining custody. It doesn’t matter whether the birth parents acted as if they could care less about their child when he was born, and suddenly, they decide they love him dearly. Adoption laws almost always favor the biological parents.
No matter how heart-wrenching it would be to return the child to his birth parents at the first sign of a court challenge, I believe it is in the best interest of the child to do so.
I often hear about adoptive parents who are embroiled in court battles for years in the desperate hope that they’ll be able to retain custody of their child. And it rarely happens. Everyone ends up heartbroken, especially the child who is ripped from the only home he has known. The media, of course, makes a big splash about the event, and fears about adoption continue to be perpetuated.
These scenarios remind me of the Bible story from 1 Kings 3:16-28, in which two prostitutes testify before King Solomon.
The two women give birth (in the same house) within three days of one another. During the night one of the newborns dies. The mother of the dead baby switches the two babies, but in the morning, the other mother recognizes that the dead baby isn’t hers. The two women argue before King Solomon about whose baby is whose. He asks for a sword and orders that the baby be cut in two. “Give half to one and half to the other,” he proclaims.
While the woman whose son died is content to see the baby cut in two, the woman whose son is alive has compassion for her son and cries out, “Please, my lord, give her the living baby! Don’t kill him!”
While I certainly don’t advocate cutting a child in half in order to resolve a custody battle, that’s often what happens to a child, figuratively speaking. I’m so grateful for the parents who truly did consider the best interests of their child and decided to implement what is essentially an open adoption. The adoptive parents and birth mother put selfishness aside and let love and compassion guide them.
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Most birthparents already live lives of shame and quiet desperation, as a result of the social scorn we reserve for those we hope have the “wisdom” to entrust their children to others, yet who are shunned or criticized when they have the normal instincts of any parent to want to check how their child is doing or to want to regain access to the child they loved enough to “let go”. Not every adoption IS handled correctly, and not every adoption SHOULD be upheld by the courts… however painful that is for us to admit. In a truly open adoption, the birthparents and adoptive parents share a mutual commitment to the child that prevents either from wanting to cost the child access to the other AND which eliminates any risk that a child’s first family should EVER be “strangers” to their own flesh and blood. Jules, why do you persist in claiming that birthparents are only “thinking about their child’s best interests” when their wishes or desires are in compliance with those of the adoptive parents?! Shame on you– for being so myopic.
Elizabeth, I appreciate your comment, “In a truly open adoption, the birthparents and adoptive parents share a mutual commitment to the child that prevents either from wanting to cost the child access to the other AND which eliminates any risk that a child’s first family should EVER be “strangers.”
Just this weekend, my son (who’s now 19) and I met his birth mom for lunch. She happened to be in the area, and called and said, “Can you meet me in 30 minutes?” At that moment, we were traveling her direction, so we met up. It was great to get caught up on each other’s lives in person, as opposed to just over the phone or through texting or e-mail. We’ve had an open relationship like this with various members of his birth family — particularly with his birth mom — for most of his life, and is has been such an incredible blessing for all of us. Particularly during the rough teenage years, it’s so helpful for him to have an additional loving mom to turn to when he’s feeling out of sorts with me! His birth mom gives him unconditional love mixed with a healthy dose of momish advice. I don’t know how I could have survived motherhood without our son’s birthmom in his life. She has been our biggest cheerleader as parents of her son, and because they are so alike in mannerisms (even though they haven’t lived together), she’s able to help me understand his personality in ways that I never would have been able to do without her.
Our situation is about as good as an adoption can get, but it didn’t happen that way by accident. It was an intentional decision on everyone’s part to commit to loving him. It’s not co-parenting — it’s co-loving and co-commitment. And it works for us.
I feel the ones who get the short end are the parents that hoped to adopt. They have a child in their home for an extended period of time. They invest love, money, time, emotion and hopes. When the biological comes along they get the child back. The adoptive parents get nothing. Usually no -Thank you for bathing, feeding, housing, loving, nuturing, etc. my child while I was off ‘finding myself’! No financial reimbursement. It blows my mind. They are always asking for people to adopt or foster care child, but the irresponsible get rewarded! Who wants to sign up for that! The system needs revamped. If you give a child up, you should have to go thru the same process as someone wanting to adopt! They should have to pay some back child care. I’m more in favor of allowing them to have contact and relationship with the child, but the gave up rights. If I GAVE you a hundred thousand dollars should I expect you to give it back to me in 2 years! We need to reward those who want to take responsibility and not make it so easy for parents to be irresponsible and selfish.
Well, “I Purdy” if that is your user name, I totally agree with you. I just finished watching Dandelion Dust and that really shows the sadness of the situation when birth parents want custody back. My 2 brothers were adopted, and at the same time. I am closer to one than the other but that’s only natural I suppose. My parents were fully aware at the injustice found in the courts regarding adoption and biological vs adoptive parents, and that’s why they adopted from a third world country the Phillippines. We know the background on their mother and how she had several children by different fathers, and really with the job she had, and so many kids where would she start? Sounds mean, but it was in our favor to have a scenario like that and it gave us peace. My brothers were curious at one time about their biological mother, not father really though, although we did meet him, and he was a decent guy who took care of their grandparents and great grandma.
I have heard of custody battles where the biological parent(s) get full custody again and that really is completely unfair to the child, especially after an extended period of time with adopted family, and very selfish of the biological parent(s) who in only one way have acted as a parent and that’s finding a more suitable situation for the child. It is not right for them to demand the child come back. It is fullfilling not only their own need for a child, but quenching their guilt, well they can just own a little more blame for making those years away from them now painful as well by not allowing them to continue them. How SELFISH! The only and I repeat only reason it might be better for the adoptive parents to give up rights rather than have a custody battle is because injustice will likely be done anyway, and the adoptive parents might as well accept the pain that will come, and they will need the money spent on an attorney for their own therapy of whatever form will help ease their pain.
If I were to say one thing to biological parents it would be this, You gave up your rights when you chose the first time not to raise your child, and by giving up on those rights you agreed to have someone else raise that child. They are now the responsible parents of your child because you either did not want to, or were unable to raise him/her. Ethically and morally now you must accept that rather than letting a sympathetic justice system give you rights back to free you from the empty hole in your life you made, not the child, when you chose to give that child up. The child did not give you guilt you did, the child may feel some longing, but you feel way more. Let the child be, and get on with your life. People make many mistakes, but it is them who have to suffer with the consequences. The following are only to give examples of consequences and not to put in the same class except showing for consequence sake, when someone divorces he or she must accept that will likely be the end even if his or her heart changes, a person who doesn’t do drugs anymore but was addicted must accept that damage in health may be unreversable, a person who is embarrassed by his or her cutting must accept that the scars may last forever physically and maybe emotionally. Our society from the individual person who just couldn’t responsibility to the parent who most obviously harmed her child and also didn’t take responsibility seem to get justice to roll in their favor. I ask you, where is the justice in that?
Biological parents should not be able to ever get custody back. Theres a good reason a child is given up for adoption and its nothing short of selfish to rip it away from a loving, stable home thats cared for it longer than the birth parents. Obviously the biological parents don’t care about the kid’s wellbeing.
And that father should have gotten custody, not the mother. She probably only took custody because she didn’t want him to have it. Typical case of a father being regulated to the sidelines in favor of the mother. We ask men to take responsibility for kids yet the mothers never let them do anything. Then the mothers complain that they have to do all the childcare responsibilities.
Kelli, I agree with you, biological parents should not get the children back if they ever thought of giving them away. There would have been a good reason for the court to put children up for adoption and it shows the birth parents are not safe, able, responsible… whatever the reason. I also think it makes the childs life complicated and it’s not fair for the child to make him/her unsure about who it’s parents are or will be.
I read a lot of your stories on this for a paper actually. At first I thought I’d just pick a side and write it. But after reading all of your stories, I actually support the adoptive parents on this.
I’m sorry birth mothers, but when you gave up your child for adoption, and did not change your mind in the time you were given, the child is no longer yours in terms of legality. Now, this may sound blunt, but in truth that is what happened. There are cases of open adoption where you can still be apart of your child’s life (except in terms of Chelsea, and I am really sorry about that, I don’t know the adoptive parents, but maybe you should try talking to them about this if you haven’t already?).
I truly believe that if the child had been living with their adoptive family for a decent amount of time, even if you are his or her birth mother, you should not take the child away from the family they grew up with. It’s not fair the the child, or even the adoptive parents. I’m not saying cut yourself out of their life entirely, but do allow them to live in the home they grew up in.
Now in terms of giving the child up for adoption before he or she was born and THEN changing your mind after birth, I believe this is different. The mothers do have a right to change their mind then since the child was never living with the adoptive parents yet, plus the mother hadn’t experienced the feeling of holding their child for the first time.
But returning back to my original statement, please birth parents, before you go seeking to have your child return to you, think about the child themselves. Ignore all desires to have them returned to you and really think. Is your child healthy and happy where he or she is now? If the answer is yes, please really think before you decide to take the child away from the family that he or she has now.
Also, I am sorry if this offended anyone.
So here is my question as a birthmother of my daughter who was adopted in an open adoption. I chose the adopted parents, have always gotten along with them, have always supported them. Now my daughter is 14, she has had a rough relationship with her adopted parents the last few years and now is begging and pulling every string possible to try and live with me. She is disrespecting her adoptive family, horribly. Their family is being torn apart. “Our” daughter is threatening suicide, running away, not eating, not sleeping, etc.. you know the emotional teenage girl things. I have tried to convince her to be kind to her adopted family, reassured her they love her, they have always been there for her, taken care of her, etc.. she will not listen. She is bound and determined to come and live with me, (not that I wouldn’t love that more than anything). But now my heart is breaking, the adopted parents hearts are breaking, and my daughter is currently feeling shattered. Please help with any advice..
Dear TornInTwo: my heart goes out to you, and to your daughter and her other parents. Adolescence is never easy on anyone, it seems, and adoption can add yet another layer of complexity to an already challenging life phase. The other grass is always greener, as they say, but were your child to move in with you, tantalizing as that fantasy may seem, would merely make you the authority figure against whom she would feel compelled to rebel, because that’s a rite of passage for so many teens. Yet your role in her life, and your positive rapport with her other parents is undoubtedly a huge asset for her, making the open adoption truly “the gift that keeps on giving.” Agonizing though it may be to witness her angst, as she is working through her issues, the combined force of love that you and her other parents represent is so very important, like a safety net beneath her trapeze. I hope you and they can work together to get her into counseling with an adoption-savvy therapist who appreciates your joint commitment to her and who can provide you all needed affirmation and guidance. Open adoption is about giving children the best that all their parents can offer, working together to achieve this goal, and I salute you for doing just that, through your continued presence in and your commitment where your daughter and her family are concerned. Please keep us posted; I know you’ll all be in the prayers of many (mine included.)
Elizabeth Jurenovich´s last [type] ..ORIENTATION
Let me bring some clarity to all this bickering from adoptive parents and people who birthed a child.
Parenting has nothing to do with origin but everything to do with relationship.
And before the stones begin to fly: I’m adopted. I was adopted at 2 months through the social service system in my state and I’m now in my late 30′s.
I found out a few years ago that my “grandmother” orchestrated the adoption.
I grew up not wanting anything to ever do with the woman who birthed me- if she was wishy/washy and changed her mind about the adoption, I’m glad it never materialized. Why would I want to be raised by someone who couldn’t figure out if they wanted me or not.
And yes, 3 years ago I met her. My emotions haven’t changed. I’m sure there were times she had thought about me, or worried of my welfare. However, that pales in comparison to being compassionate about your child and your world revolving around them.
I have children of my own & they are my life. I LOVE them!!
What I do get really sick of on these forums are “birth people” whining about how they were manipulated or they changed their mind. Whatever. I change my mind on an outfit, not my child. Everything is cause & effect. You made a choice- now shut up and deal with it. Period.
However, adoptive parents- you’re not always blameless either! I’ve seen selfishness – because you think it’s all about your desires & not the natural origin desires of a human.. (I’ll go more into this later…). You purposely or ignorantly assume a naive stand by thinking as long as you love a child everything else will fall into place- not true.
And the last factor I’m throwing out is the money. Babies are big business with social services and adoption agency’s.. Sadly, humans are a transaction.
I have a little bit of a different situation. I adopted my nephew who is now 11. My sister had a drug problem but at the time of the adoption she was clean and sober but felt like she had to voluntarily give up her parental rights. The judge and the guardian ad litem both stated their intent to terminate her rights due to her being unemployed and not having a house that she could stay in for loger than 6 months. I have since found out that I am ill. I worry about if I something happens to me she is the only one that can take care of him. They have a really good relationship and she has remained a big part of his life. Could I give her parental rights back to her? Could she adopt him back? What if I am terminal and cant care for him?
King solomon might have been right in his views. But, he is not living in this generation where the biological moms being druggists and selfish abandon their children. At the same time the adoptive parents who really contribute in bringing up this life of this child are so admirable. God bless them. It is idiotic and stupid to sit over and follow king solomons decision in this century. If king solomon lived now, he would have denied the birth parents the previllage to own the child. I totally disagree with not solomon but people of this era. Most of all once someone adopts the child, it is their child. They have the full rights. Not only that in solomon’s story it was not adopted child. The law should not decide on us but we should decide on law. Thats why we have judges to decide on it but not some computers loaded with laws and take logical decisions.
WOW!! There is always two sides to every story. To say that biological parents should never get their child back is incorrect. My story: 19 years old had my first son , married 3 months before that , bought a house , and imagined my life as happily ever after. A young husband with issues of his own (etc domestic violence , drinking, drugs , destroying my life) just wasn’t ready to be a man or father so after alot of abuse and family court I moved in with my mom. Granted a mom who had issues of her own and my father who passed when I was 16. We tried a go at the relationship after a break , realized he was the same left him again and 2 weeks later found out I was pregnant. I tried it on my own with 2 boys and little income(and harassment from my ex slashing tires on my car to make the income even less) I was faced with a decision. My ex sister in law who I viewed as an older sister at the time, offered to ” help us out”(no not by babysitting or buying diapers) said he could stay with their family. A husband,two kids, good income so much more than I had to give. So when my youngest son was 9 months old I let him live with them and for a while things were ok. They told me I would always be his mom and Cam would always be his brother, we would be in his life always. Sounded good at the time until he would cry for me when picking up his brother from their grandparents house. Screaming and crying for me not to leave him and they would spank him. Yea thats extremely painful when you know you are powerless and you made a mistake as a mother. He will be 5 soon and I haven’t been invited to birthdays and I only get him when I beg or give a big notice. The saddest part is I could have done a better job then them even with less money. My son now has to take a bath every time he gets to come over cause he smells like dog piss and I buy him new clothes and shoes when I can. I never see him dressed well and every weekend he is at grandmas house. His clothes all look like rags, and he says he dresses himself. No problem with him dressing himself as long as they are clean and accesible to him. I don’t go inside grandmas house so we sit outside together no matter the weather just so we can catch up. I was in college tryin to make a better life for me and my boys with little help and I made a bad decision that I regret everyday. Does this make me a bad biological parent and should I never get my child back even though I could do a better job then them now?
What if you had something happen to you that happened to me.My ex girlfriend behind my back is trying to adopt my child out she has signed papers and all I am waiting on a paternity test to know for sure she is mine.What you think my chances are of getting her if she is my daughter.I am a father by the way.
Oh my! Did you sign up for the punitive father’s registry? You HAVE to protect your rights if you want this baby. (I pray that you don’t live in Utah or that Utah is involved). If you are contesting the adoption, you need a lawyer that can stop it arguing the Federal Parental Kidnapping act. ALSO, check out Baby Emma Wyatt and I believe the website babyselling.com Anyone who gets their hands on your child for adoption has already paid $25,000 that is non-refundable. They are not going to willingly give you your baby.
“The first case involved a Florida boy, now 3 ½, whose birth mother placed him for adoption in May 2001, when he was two days old. A month before the adoption was supposed to be finalized, the boy’s biological father filed a motion demanding custody. At that time, the judge informed the adoptive parents that the birth father would likely gain custody.”
What all of you commenters seem to be missing is that the father applied for custody well within the time range ONE MONTH BEFORE THE FINALISATION and the adoptive parents deliberately and wilfully dragged it out.
In general, bmothers are given a revocation period after signing TPR in which they are able to get their baby back and if they want their baby back, they should get their baby back. It is usually very rare for a bmother to try to get their baby back after the revocation period unless there is proof they have been severely coerced (eg signing forms while drugged in hospital). I actually suspect that you don’t hear many stories about mothers getting their babies back after signing TPR but before revocation because they probably do get returned without any fuss.
The cases you usually hear about and that get dragged on are the fathers who apply for custody. They too have rights but tend to face more opposition from the adoptive parents and the lawyers normally suggest that the APs drag the case on as long as possible so they can claim the “but they have been with us too long” argument. It is a common tactic used by lawyers. If they had returned the child at the time of the request, then the child wouldn’t even remember that she/he had ever had adoptive parents, so it is really the adoptive parents being selfish there.
Btw you are all very judgmental towards bmothers. The truth is that the timing and nature of adoption counselling is so coercive (yes even in this day and age) that a woman facing a crisis pregnancy can end up feeling that the only “moral” thing for her to do is to place her child for adoption – the counselling very cleverly makes her feel that parenting her child is the selfish thing.
As for those of you who are adopted from the 60s/70s etc – your bmoms had very little option but to relinquish their child. Do a bit of reading and you will understand how it was.
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