The worst fear of every parent who adopts domestically is that a birth parent will decide he or she wants the child back. That’s exactly what happened in two custody battles that culminated Friday in two very different outcomes.
The first case involved a Florida boy, now 3 ½, whose birth mother placed him for adoption in May 2001, when he was two days old. A month before the adoption was supposed to be finalized, the boy’s biological father filed a motion demanding custody. At that time, the judge informed the adoptive parents that the birth father would likely gain custody.
The birth mother supported the adoption until it appeared the court might grant the birth father’s request for custody. In late December 2004, the birth mother was awarded custody (she lives in Illinois, is married to someone else and has an infant daughter) and the birth father was given liberal visitation rights. The adoptive parents appealed the ruling but the court took no action, so today, the little boy went to live with his biological mother.
The second case mirrors the first one: a birth mother made an adoption plan and placed her son with a Colorado couple when he was 3 days old. The boy is now 21 months old. Somewhere along the line (I don’t have the details but I assume it must have been fairly soon after the boy was born), the birthmother changed her mind and won rulings from judges in Missouri (her home state) and Colorado that her son be returned to her. The Colorado Supreme Court intervened and said that a District judge needed to decide what was in the “best interests” of the child in determining custody.
Wonder of wonders, the birth mother and adoptive parents agreed privately that the boy’s adoptive parents should continue their role as parents and his birth mother will move to Colorado to be near him and involved in critical decisions as he grows up. “He has three people who absolutely love him so much that they’d be willing to do anything,” said the boy’s biological mother.
A few reflections:
Adoptive parents tend to live in denial.
We yearn long and hard for a child. When it appears that we’re finally being given the opportunity to adopt one, we’re prepared to move mountains to assure that happens. Sometimes, that means ignoring the obvious. When biological parents challenge the adoption early on, we continue parenting “our” child in the desperate hope that the court system will miraculously change and grant us custody. After all, we’ve already jumped through so many hoops to bring “our” beloved child home. We are convinced that we will be better parents than the birth parents, and that once the child comes
to live in our home, he is ours, period. Our emotions and our love for the child overcome our common sense.
History proves that adoption laws almost always favor the biological parents.
It doesn’t matter whether the adoptive parents believe they’re better parents. It doesn’t matter what’s in “the best interests” of the child. It doesn’t matter whether the birth mother decides she needs to parent her child because she hates the birth father and can’t stand the thought of him regaining custody. It doesn’t matter whether the birth parents acted as if they could care less about their child when he was born, and suddenly, they decide they love him dearly. Adoption laws almost always favor the biological parents.
No matter how heart-wrenching it would be to return the child to his birth parents at the first sign of a court challenge, I believe it is in the best interest of the child to do so.
I often hear about adoptive parents who are embroiled in court battles for years in the desperate hope that they’ll be able to retain custody of their child. And it rarely happens. Everyone ends up heartbroken, especially the child who is ripped from the only home he has known. The media, of course, makes a big splash about the event, and fears about adoption continue to be perpetuated.
These scenarios remind me of the Bible story from 1 Kings 3:16-28, in which two prostitutes testify before King Solomon.
The two women give birth (in the same house) within three days of one another. During the night one of the newborns dies. The mother of the dead baby switches the two babies, but in the morning, the other mother recognizes that the dead baby isn’t hers. The two women argue before King Solomon about whose baby is whose. He asks for a sword and orders that the baby be cut in two. “Give half to one and half to the other,” he proclaims.
While the woman whose son died is content to see the baby cut in two, the woman whose son is alive has compassion for her son and cries out, “Please, my lord, give her the living baby! Don’t kill him!”
While I certainly don’t advocate cutting a child in half in order to resolve a custody battle, that’s often what happens to a child, figuratively speaking. I’m so grateful for the parents who truly did consider the best interests of their child and decided to implement what is essentially an open adoption. The adoptive parents and birth mother put selfishness aside and let love and compassion guide them.
{ 82 comments… read them below or add one }
I agree with all your reflections. I too am reminded of King Solomon every time I hear a case like the Evan Scott case.
There is another detail you may not know about — evan’s biological father physically assulted his biological mother. She learned she was pregnant when she was treated at the hospital. I am sure that was another huge reason the Scott’s didn’t want to “give him back.” I wouldn’t even though like you said it was inevitable he would get custody eventually.
What a sad sad story.
FINALLY!! Some common sense on “challenged” adoption. Here in Alabama, we have the sad case of “Baby Sam,” in which birth parents challenged the adoption DAYS after birth, but adoptive parents strung it out over years, evoking public sympathies. Infant adoption is almost always a case where potential adoptive parents are in a socially advantageous position over prospective birth parents, with more resources to fight for what they think is “theirs.” Yes, it is very often denial.
“Best interest of the child….” hmmmm….. this is tossed around a LOT by advocates and it should be. I’m an average mom. Sometimes I lose my temper, there are plenty of people out there who would love to adopt and have more money for better schools, sporting and musical opportunities for children…. would it be in the best interest of any babies in my womb to go live with THEM? Hmmm….
I am the adoptive mother of a wonderful little boy adopted at 2 days old. The birthparents decided they wanted him back after more than 4 months. Thankfully, after a short court battle, the courts ruled in our favor and he remained with us. Although there are undoubtedly times when a return to the birthparent is the right choice, it is not always in the best interest of the child to be given back to the birthparents. Just because a birthparent changes their mind doesn’t mean the baby should be returned to them. Is it better to return the child to a mother who can’t make up her mind whether or not she actually wants him? I don’t think so. What’s in the best interest of the child has nothing to do with the financial advantages of the adoptive parents it has to do with love, nurturing and stability which the birthparents in their current situation were unable to give to the child. My husband and I were the only parents my son had known and to be taken away from us at that stage would be forever damaging to him. What’s more, the birthparents have since told us that they felt adoption was the right decision after all. So, please consider the many diffent factors before automatically claiming children should always be returned to the birthparents.
No, it has EVERYTHING to do with financial advantages. Without that advantage, you would never have been able to afford to adopt, nor the money to fight to keep him. And, although you may have had him for four months, he spent 9 months hearing HER voice soothe and comfort him. Had you lost him it would have been doubly traumatic for him, I agree, but that’s because he had just had his first bond broken when you took him from his first mom, he didn’t need another bond broken.
How dare you suiggest an adoptive mom “Took” their son away from the birthparents! How dare you throw $$ advantages at this couple! The birth mother could not or did not want to care for a child and another did – that’s how it is. You have no right to sit in judgement.
can you please tell me if the birth parents should change their minds about their children who has already placed with the adoptive family .please help me by giving me som,e reasons about what you think.thank you
Hi,
I am a mother of two boys who I lost to CAS. I was young and in a bad relationship. I was going to be getting my children back so they told me, But that did not happen. My boys went up for a doption I was in deress at the time and very nieve. I was not told what would happen if my boys went up for a doption. I was not told I wouls never see then again. I was not told that if i wanted to go to the last court case I could to stop the adoption if I wanted to the CAS just told me I did not need to be their. My oldest is 9 years now and the other one is 7 years old. Have them up for daoption is not want I wanted. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of them I still cry for them I am still very upset at the way the CAS went about the whole thing. They played on my weekness and emotions to get what they wanted. I just want my boys back. If not that then atlest to know their doing good. I love then and miss them. Now I have another boy how is 17 months and I am with a guy how is great with both me and his son. I am also sad for son to not know his other siblings.
Thank you
Vicki
I am a birthmom that has changed her mind. My son is now 3 and a half I have been fighting for him for almost a yr. His father fought for the first yr. The adoptive parents have put our family though the ringer. My sons name is cody but they refuse to call him that. I have my son for a total of 49 waking hours a week with one over night. He has two full sisters which i care for. I am not a bad mom nor can they prove it. In our case it is going to best intrest. Which sucks because they make alot more money then i do. And with what i have read on best intrest i think they will win. What would you do in my shoes i want what is best for him and i believe in my heart that it is to be home with myself his father and sisters.
I am an adoptive parent, my husband and I went over seas to adopt because of people like Christine. The poor adoptive parents have loved that child and given the child all that they have. They adopted because you let them and to pull the child away from them is like a kidnapping or a death of that child for those parents. Maybe you should ask to see the child on a regular basis but not take the child away completely. Let the child know that he is loved by all and be adults to show the child how to act. When you let the child go you made the ultimate sacrifice to give the child a better life don’t ruin every ones lives now.
Birthparents don’t just “disappear”, folks, as much as adoptive parents would like to have happen. And it is WORSE than a death to lose your child to adoption thru deciet and empty promises. Never do I read about the pain first mothers go thru, just the selfish rantings of adoptive parents. If I had lost a child to death, I would at least have closure and a grave to bring flowers to, and it would be socially “acceptable” to grieve that loss. We truly lose a part of us, with NO REGARD as to hoe that will affect us. Go buy another one, you’ll get over it.
CHristine please STOP. Read the research on attachment theory. If you take that child away from his adoptive parents you will destroy him
i am a teen age mother who is thinking of giving my baby up for adoption. it has made me vary upset reading some of these comments do to what all you are saying. i want to know if any of you have had a baby your self? if you have not then i dont think that you have the same feelings that we birth moms have. the reason i want to put my baby up for adoption is because i am still trying to grow up my self BUT i want the best for my unborn child. if i do decide to give my baby up for adoption i will want it to where my baby knows that i am its birth mother, and that i did this so it could have a nice loveing home and famly,and a great education, ect. i would also want some vesitation rights. some of you might not like what i am saying but put your self in my shoes my boyfriend is working and only seeing me and our unborn baby (who he loves more than life its self) 4 times a month because i am going to school and trying to go to night school and trying to keep my job. for a 16 year old mom who is trying to do all that so she can provide for her unborn child i think you guys should give us birth moms a little more credit. and not to offend anyone but if it wasnt for us birth moms who would give some of you your children that you love? and that we still love as well. i apolagize for any thing that i may have said to offend any one but this is how i see things nd feel.just put your self in our situation were you have to decide to give up your parental rights and have a sertant time to change your mind. that is a thing that we made not you.
thank you for reading my comment
-brittany-
teen moms…hmmmmmmmmmmmmm here’s a little tip put a dime between your knees and keep it there until further notice!! i’m an adoptive mom who just found out that the birth parents want my…yes i said my…son back. he is 8 months how dare they do this to our family. they can barely take car of the one they have or themselves! i am pissed!! srew open ended adoptions.
@ STOP, I did the responsible thing for my child and my life, adoption AND tubal ligation after, so you can piss off, since you only have internet kahonies, use you real name, and SHUT UP about it
Brittany:
Open adoption can work if you find the right family. I have known my daughter her whole and had her for christmas and summers since she was 11, now she just turned 15 and moved in with me. Her adoptive mother approved the whole Idea. It is only supposed to be for a year and then my baby might be ripped away from me once more but every minute I can get I will take. If there is any way possible for you to keep your child in the family or with you I would strongly suggest doing so because the hole will never be filled for you or your boyfriend or your child.
Its hard I know but you will make the best desicion in the end. From one Birth Mom to another.
Nancy
Hi,
I’m Doing a school report on Birth parents wanting to get back there adopted child and i would just like to ask…why? If you’re ready to have sex then you should be ready for the things that come with it. Yes I do understand that some of you are hurting because you’re so young, but you are the one who made the action and you are the one you put your child up for adoption!!!! So when you just say one day hey i think i want my child back that i put up for adoption 3 mounths ago thats not fair to the parent that CAN’T have children that adopted your child you need to think of others like your CHILD….but theis are just my thoughts if i hurt anyone i am sorry this is just how i feel!!!!
I’m an adoptive mom and I posted earlier. I never meant to offend any birthmoms so please accept my apolgies if I have. I think about our sons birthmom every day and how hard it must have been for her to make that decision and am so thankful that she chose us to parent her baby. I know she loves him very much and I’m thankful that I have never had to make that decision myself. I feel that if our sons birthmom had done the things that were offered to her such as counseling, meeting with other birthmoms, open communication of her feelings and desires to us and to the agency about what she wanted out of the adoption (ie. open, closed, visitation, pictures) then things may have turned out much differently. Instead she hid alot of her feelings and information which resulted in a bad situation which would affect us all for the rest of our lives. Communication between everyone is so important. Don’t be embarrassed and hide your feelings, speak up and get what you want!
Really there is not a “mold” that makes it right or wrong. God places us all in his plan. Our plan was to adopt two beautiful babies. Our first from a wonderful young lady that faced so much alone. Our second from a relative. Our children are our own, whether they grew in my womb or not-they are our children. Any thought of the birthmothers “changing their minds” would be devastating to our daughters and to us! To the many birthparents out there, that is why placing your baby for adoption is the most selfless thing you can do. Taking babies/children away from their parents is not only harmful, but unnatural. By that I mean the adoptive parents. We ARE their Mother and Father. Biologically not, but are still their parents. We will always hold the women that carried and loved our daughters enough. Please understand this is a touchy subject for all, but if a decision is made to place your baby for adoption-do what you can to obtain counseling, grief support groups, but know that you did the most important thing in your life-you love your baby enough to give them the best at that time in your life. May God bless both adoptive parents and birthparents.
Hi,
I put a posting in here on two of my boys who have been placed for adoption. I just wanted to say to the one who was doing a report on brith mothers, I hear what you are saying, but everyones stoy is differnt. I tricked into the adoption and I was lied to and was not told my rights and choices till it was too late. I did not want my boys to go up for adoption. I wanted them to remain with me. I do not feel that the brithmothers should be judged the way people judge them. I do agree that it is not fair to the adoptive parents or the children for birth mothers to want their children back, howeveer if you were not treated right and you were lied about, and to and you did not understand everything that was going on. As well as told that you did not have to be at the last court case CAS in my opition was scared that you wuold learn more about your rights. I understand how adoptive mothers feel, but what about how brithmothers feel, not knowing if their children are being treated right, where they are, how they are doing, and if they are told about you as their brith mothers/fathers. Given said all this there is one thing that noone can rob from brith mothers and that is their love for their child and the fact is that they are the brithmothers. we safer too.
Thank you once again:
Vicki
“Is it better to return the child to a mother who can’t make up her mind whether or not she actually wants him?”
Let me point out that the decision to place a child has nothing to do with “wanting” the child. As a ‘firstmother’ to a 15 year old, that is such a horrible and hurtful inaccuracy of the adoption experience.
Most women who place have to convince themselves that leaving their child truly is in the child’s best interest. When I was pregnant, I said all the right things – “This is my plan for my child.” “This child needs more than I can provide.” “I know it’s in her best interest to be raised in a two-parent, stable home.”
Those are the words that became like a mantra in my mind. If I repeated them enough, maybe sometime I would truly believe it.
That doesn’t mean I didn’t want my daughter or that I changed my mind and wanted her back after she was born.
I made an adoption decision based on temporary life issues. If an adoptive father lost his job and his wife left him, would society tell him he should place his children for adoption again? No, but put this on a young, single woman and that’s all we hear while pregnant.
“My husband and I were the only parents my son had known and to be taken away from us at that stage would be forever damaging to him.”
“Taking babies/children away from their parents is not only harmful, but unnatural. By that I mean the adoptive parents.”
Well, before he became your son, he was another woman’s son for 9 months. She fed him, cared for him, nurtured him and loved him. She was the only parent your son knew for those 9 months. It was equally as damaging to him to suffer the loss of her, but you didn’t mind putting him through that, did you?
I can speak from personal experience because I was a child that a birth mother came back for. I lived with the family until I was almost two, and then I had to be sent to my ‘birthmother,’ a woman I hardly knew from visitation rights and I did not know as my mother. I was taken from the only family that I knew. After much counseling as an adult I have come to terms with what my mother did to me and have forgiven her. It was very emotionally scarring for me and it affected my whole life, I used to break down into uncontrollable tears at the littlest thing – because I was carrying around a hurt I didn’t know how to process. I really truly belive in my heart that my mother did not have my best interest in mind when she started the court process to regain custody of me. Birthmoms, because of their emotional attatchment, can’t really understand this. It would have been sad for me if I did not know my birthmother, but it is sadder for me that I had to live with her away from my first family. I wish that I was adopted and left with my real family.
The emotional issues you are referring to are because of early attachment. Thank you so much for writing this, maybe some birth mothers will read your reply and read the research on attachment theory and do what is right for the child.
You speak so clearly of the attachment a mother has to her child, my biological daughter wanted me in her life. She chose me, I was always a phone call away, and she chose me. A child knows the mother that carried her, now she is older and there are days that we text at the same moment the same comment. Explain that……She loves her adoptive mother dont get me wrong but she loves me too! A child has a right to be supported and if it means more family and 2 moms then so be it, I see no reason why not. Its up to the parents to be civil and understand that all children need is a whole lot of love.
I think it’s fascinating how you bring up King Solomon. King Soloman’s judgement was that the real mom whose child was appropriated by another woman should have her baby back.
Yet you use this example to say you believe the unrelated woman who was willing to see the child dead – rather than return him to his mother – is the better “parent” and should be awarded the baby.
Amazing conclusion you have drawn here.
I’m A BIRTHFATHER THAT DID NOT KNOW MY EX- GIRLFRIEND WAS GOING TO HAVE A BABY FOR YOU SEE SHE MOVED IN WITH ANOTHER GUY 2 MONTHS AFTER WE BROKE UP. I FOUND OUT WHEN THE ADOPTION AGENCIES CALLED MY JUNE 30 05 AND I TOLD THEM NO AND MY SON WAS BORN JULY 2 05 AND WITH THE GREAT HELP OF LDS ADOPTION AGENCIES MY SON WAS OUT OF STATE JULY 4 05 TO THE COUPLE OF MY EX’ BOYFRIEND’S FAMILY. I HAVE FOUGHT THIS IN DALLAS COURT AND WILL ALWAYS FIGHT FOR MY SON. I DID CLAIM WITH THE STATE JULY 25 05 SAYING I WAS THE FATHER. I’M NOT SAYING ADOPTION IS WRONG IT’S GREAT BUT MAKE SURE THE BIRTHFATHERS AGREE WITH IT NOT YOU SEE I HAVE LOST SO MUCH TIME WITH MY SON HE IS NOW 1 AND HOW IS THAT FAIR. THEY DON’T UNDERSTAND MY SON HAS NEVER SAW MY FAMILY. THE GOOD THING IS THE STATE BOARD OF SOCAIL WORKERS IN TEXAS SAW THE NIGHTMARE I’M GOING THROUGH AND GAVE THE SOCIAL WORKER FOR LDS WHICH STAND FOR LATTER DAY SAINTS 2 YEARS PROBATION SUSPENSION OF HIS LICESES THAT MEAN FOR 2 YEARS THE STATE HAS TO LOOK OVER HIS PAPER WORK. GOOD MAYBE HE WON’T STEAL ANOTHER CHILD AWAY FROM A FATHER. IF THE MOTHER HAD DECIEDED TO HAVE KEPT MY SON ATLEAST I WOULD HAVE GOT TO SEE HIM EVERYOTHER WEEKEND. WHAT DO YOU THINK ?
My husband & I have adopted my younger sisters 3 children. The state took them away from her & there father for neglect,drugs,Childeren in need of care. we went through everything that the court said we should do. They willingly signed there parental rights away to all 3. This has been over a year ago. We fought this battle for 4 years. At first we were going to let them both see the children but they just can’t seem to clean up. We feel that if we went to all the trouble of keeping the children safe & together in a very loving home then they should at least be able to do this for there children but that hasn’t happend. When we adopted them we changed there last name to ours. Now the father has married & thinks he will get the children back & my sister just wants what she wants with no consideration to the children. Can this legal happen on the father’s side & if so what can we do about it. We love these children & we just want what is BEST for them.
My husband and I have been trying for three years to have a child of our own. It’s so depressing and heartbreaking. We want a child so very badly. It’s dissapointment after dissapointment. We had thought about adoption, but after reading all of this, I don’t know if I want to. I don’t think I could handel it if I adopted a baby and had all of my dreams to finally come true and then have a birth parent change their mind or have one that doesn’t know the baby exists and finds out and want the baby. I just couldn’t handle it.
a friend of ours from our church had a similar situation happen to her. They were in the process of adopting a baby and then it was taken back but the baby was only 3months old. They then got another baby and they have had no issues since. About 3-6 mos after getting the 2nd baby she became pregnant with their first, they couldn’t initially conceive either, They now have 3 children a girl and 2 boys. And you could never tell that the oldest was adopted as she looks just like the mom.
Terri consider China adoption.
When I was in college I had a pregnancy scare. It turned out that my period was just late. I don’t claim to know how birthmothers feel, but I do remember the FEAR. I’d ask birthmothers to consider the grief of infertility as I’ve tried to imagine the difficulty and bravery of giving up a child.
Now I’m 34 years old, married for 13 years, and barren as a desert. Eleven years ago my husband and I decided to start a family. I bought all kinds of things for our baby. Follow this with the shock of hearing the doctor say, “You won’t get pregnant naturally,” then 11 long YEARS of medicine, biopsies, surgeries, and financial struggle, trying to achieve the only thing I’d really ever wanted: to be a mom. Think of the insensitive comments by well-meaning and rude people alike. Think of the strain on your marriage and the blame you cast on each other. Think of seeing pregnant women everywhere, friends and family having children, the one thing you want most and can’t do. Think of falling apart at the sight of babies and small children. Think of donating the things you bought for your own child to the crisis pregnancy center – you just can’t look at the empty bassinet anymore, and it should go to someone who’ll use it. Infertility is a grief process with the same steps as grieving a death — shock, numbness, denial, anger; for you’re grieving the loss of your children — the children you always knew you’d have. Hopefully, finally you can reach acceptance.
My husband and I have now accepted after 11 years of brokenheartedness that we won’t have biological children. Now we are moving ahead with great hope and trust in God that we will have the blessing of a family through adoption. As a sign of faith, I have begun buying things again. After all the costs of infertility, I don’t know how we’ll afford adoption (not all adoptive parents are rich, especially after spending thousands in adoption costs), but I have faith and hope, and that’s more than I’ve had in a decade.
After all we suffer by the time we adopt, I think it’s clear that most adoptive parents are going to throw their hearts and souls into the love and caring of their child. I know for myself that I will love my children deeply, unconditionally, and just the same as if I had carried them in my womb, because of the terrible road I’ve traveled. Every day I’ll thank God for blessing me with the greatest gift in life.
Now picture this: a child in a crib I’ve painted, lying in bedding I made myself. My husband and I looking in awe; finally, the dream is real – our own child. God has finally shown mercy and restored the years of heartbreak, loss, and emptiness. The next day I’m changing a diaper while my husband is mixing formula. The phone rings. The birthmother wants our child back. The child of blessing. The child I already love with a mother’s devotion.
This is why adoptive parents fight so hard.
Birthmothers, I know it must be heart-wrenching to give your child to someone you don’t know. But try to think of our perspective as well. Let’s all try to walk in the other’s shoes.
blessdassurance, Thank you for writing that beautiful comment, that is what I have in my heart as well. I give birth mothers so much credit for making the hard choice to give up your child for adoption, but do not sign your baby away, if you are not 100% sure in your heart. Because for an adopted parent, a child of any age is a dream come true. When you try so hard for years, to have a child, pain in your heart and tears in your eyes, wanting a family desperately, you would not even think about giving your child away. Adoptive parent will be there to love, care and cherish your child. But If you decide to change your mind, do not take months doing it, you should know in days or a week if want your child back or if you have doubts. Taking months to make your decision, is unfair and heartbreaking to the adoptive parents, as well as your baby. If you wait months, you are “playing and using” the adoptive parents, waiting until you are “ready” to assume responsibility for your child is unspeakable. I know some will object and find this comment not on point, but sometimes, I think that the courts should reimburse the adoptive parents for care of the child. I know that would not bring the joy back in the adopting parents lives, but maybe it would give the birth parents some idea of responsibility. Bless all of you making this life changing decision.
Brittany,
I don’t know if you are my biological granddaughter or not but more than anything in the world I wish my son and his girlfriend had not given away their baby–her adoptive name is Brittany. I always call her “sweet baby girl” and I often think of her. Perhaps that is why I am posting this note.
my grandchild supposebly was given away by my son and girlfriend. but now they want him back . my grandson if 5 years old so i knew him well and i love him this happened about a year ago i beleve that the uncle and aunt promised them something and they the parents not being in there right mind such maybe drugs or for fincial reasons but now the mother of my grandchild is extremely deperat to get her son back and so is my son i also miss my grandchild and would do anything to bring him home where he belongs. please help me .
My son died a pedestrian death 2 and
a half months ago. His former girl-
friend showed up on my doorstep the
same day he died. She gave me a pic-
ture and footprints of a baby she
gave birth to a couple of months before the death of my son. I was
in shock over the death of my son
and I really didn’t know how to re-
spond to her. I had no knowledge of
this baby she says is his. I had
the funeral director request DNA from
the medical examiner’s office. She
says she gave the baby over to social
services. (They were both 19). Social
services won’t give me any information about the baby. I am
sick with worry over this baby. I
have been just living day to day
grieving my son. I know I must act
fast or this child might be lost to
me forever. It may already be adopt-
ed out. I found out later that she
has two other children that social
services took away. Social services
thinks I should just go away. I
am a decent person with absolutely
no reason for anyone to think I
wouldn’t be good to the child. I
think a lawyer is my only alternative. If the baby were adopt-
ed already, I can tell you that it
would probably kill me to take it
away from a good home with loving
people. But, how can you turn your
mind away from the fact that this
may very well be your much-loved
child’s offspring? Honestly, I wish
they had come to me while she was
pregnant. If any girl out there is
in this predicament with little or
no support, please give the father
of your child a chance. You might
be upset and angry, maybe even hate
him. But if you sense that his par-
ents are good people, please ask them
for help. I know it’s hard. But so
is turning your baby over to something you have no control over.
Sometimes that’s the only choice
young girls have, and my heart aches
for them. I think they do the best
they know how to do at the time.
Being pregnant even under ideal cir-
stances is stressful. I cannot
imagine the heartache and sacrifice.
I had no choice in the death of my
son. But if you have decent people
who you think you can go to, please
consider that an option.
Now it’s been a hole 15 months of still fighting in court to get my son out of the hands of people who wanted to steal him from me. You see they are family menbers of my ex-girl friend new boy friend. They went out of the way hiding the fact she was pregant and the baby was mine. I don’t know what you have been told but I’m the only man i have heard of that did registered with the putative father registry on time and still hasn’t got his child back so if you think that the registered is a answer think different. These people could have gave me my son back months and months ago and you call that in the best interest of the child. I will win my son back and he and his sister and I will have a happy ending soon. But think twice young men there is no rights out there for you.
My garnddaughter was taken out of my arms almost 4 years ago and I have tried to contact the ones that have her they live in anoughter state I call they say shes not there I say I’m comming to see her they say they have planed a vacation I go to see her and they dont ansrwer the door now for the last year and a half they don’t even pick up the phone I want to see her and be apart of her life the last time I talked to them they said she woulden’t even know me any more and they dident think it would be a good idea well they change their minds alot it all depends if they have had a drink yet! they drink every day all day long I know this because this is my ex husband and his wife,he diden’t ever see his daughter after he married his wife because she dident like me. but I never tried to keep him or her from seeing his child in fact I made calls to them to take part in her life and then they moved to az,it wasent until she had her frist baby (my daughter) her and I got on the computer and phone and finaly paid somone to find them .he said he tried to find us but gave up after awhile,but we had never change our phone number for years! but to keep peace we let it go so here I’m fighting to just love and hold this child and they wont let me!I GO TO SLEEP AND WAKE UP WITH A HARTACHE EVERYDAY & NIGHT! can some one tell me what to do I’m not rich but I have saved some money to go and see her again.
Ther is more to this story but it would take to long no they don’t let the babys Mother see her that would be my daughter. she let them take the baby while she was in jail.
HARTBROKEN IN SAC CA
There would be no such thing as “mothers changing their minds” if adopters wanted a child that was actually free for adoption since the parental rights would have been already terminated.
But instead adopters seek out pregnant women for a fresh from the womb newborn to make “theirs” before it is even born.
At the hospital mothers must be given the opportunity to make the fully informed decision.
Fully informed meaning: experiencing the reality of her baby after 9 months of pregnancy,
holding her baby and having the opportunity to experience mothering her baby the way nature intended – and all without the presence of intruders wanting to separate her and her child.
Adopters can complain about all the hoops they had to jump through as if it’s an entitlement to any child.
But to complain about “mothers changing their minds” is the same as admitting trying to take a child that was never available for adoption.
AMEN
hi im steev
i really agree with adoptive mother because in life when you do something, you also have to take responsability for. i’ve a question for biological parents: can you give me three reason to give you back your child after you left him for anyreasons ?? and do you think about their adopive parent ?
It isn’t so cut and dry folks. Many states give a birth parent very minimal time to change their mind. Many birth parents “think” they are doing the right thing. Unfortunately desperate circumstances (loss of work, problematic relationship, no support from family emotionally) can change in a moment. Adoption is forever. Also, many birth parents have every intention of placing but when they see their child, they can’t. Then some feel obligated to place because the adopters helped them in some way. The bible says only the wicked snatch the fatherless from the breast for a pledge for grain. No one wants to help a mother keep her baby. They only want to help her if they get the baby. The adoption industry makes billions of dollars a year off little babies. Adoption was always meant to give a little baby a home. Not infertile, advantaged people babies. You can’t mix capitalism with adoption and expect things not to go awry.
There are a lot of dynamics in the whole process. It isn’t always just two irresponsible people have sex and are sorry and give the baby away to a wonderful couple who really wants a baby. That is delusional propaganda the industry uses to maintain how necessary adoption is to people.
What about the adoption agencies that use 800 numbers with advertisements saying “are you scared and desperate and pregnant” and you call and they start right there talking you out of your baby.
They tell you how wonderful you are to chose adoption. How much advantage your child will have and how crazy you would be to keep your baby since your scared and desperate.
Do you people know about that?
How about the putative father registries designed to negate birthfathers out of their babies.
How many 18-year-old boys do you think know if they could possibly get anyone pregnant, they better go to the Human Resource department and sign a statement saying they are daddy within 60 days or guess what? You are out.
If that is the case, they should have acknowledgment forms with each draft card.
I know all of you think you know what adoption is about, but it is much deeper than you could imagine.
It isn’t cut and dry. These aren’t decisions to be made, they are human lives, blood bound with the mother and father.
Desperation could make that small for a temporary moment. But nothing can compare to the pain that a mother or father can feel post adoption. It is an ache that never ends. Never.
What about when adopters are sorry?
What about when you find out that the mother had an affair all through the adoption process, was arrested while your baby was in the ER for fighting with the husband she was cheating on? What about when they separate when your baby is only 6-months-old. Meantime, you are on the phone for months, begging for your baby back cause you know you made a mistake and that is your flesh and your child and nothing was bad enough to not keep him and you were enough, you weren’t nothing.
What about when they are dying? What can you do then, but sit back and know in your heart that you made the worst mistake you could have ever made and there is NOTHING you can do about it but pray to God to bring your child back to you and their brothers and sisters, where they belong? Where they will be truly understood.
What about when the person that adopted your child has negated you to everyone they can,lied about their own innocence and no one knows?
What about when you only had 9 days to say “No” and they take a promised open adoption and say “nevermind”. When they had NO intention of honoring it. Who could have an affair, use their rich husbands money to pay $5,000 dollars to an agency and 15,000 dollars to an attorney, while you are on medicaid to have a baby they want? The very same person who could lie and never honor promises. The same person who could dope your baby since 4-years-old with adderall because they weren’t designed to handle them.
Now, let’s see.
Affairs
Divorce
Dope
Death
That is the better life one baby got.
And the mother was trash, huh?
Life’s drama is temporary. Adoption is permanent. Your love for your child will never stop and the hurt and ache you will have for them will NEVER end. Don’t adopt, if God wanted you to have a baby you would.
Go help an 8-year-old with no home. All those children with no one wanting them because they aren’t infants.
Maybe you have money and no child, so you can help a desperate person keep their baby.
Ever thought of that.
And if the adopter above ever reads this.
Yes, you reap what you sow.
But he is reaping also.
We do pray for you and love you despite what you have done to so many people, just to have your picket fence.
God sees all of it.
He really does.
i just got a email from my ex saying she had my son 4 years ago she never told me about this befor. she also told me that my son is now adopted and has been for a while. Is there anything i can do to get my son back?
I am a birthmom to a 4 year old beautiful little boy. At the time of my son’s adoption I had a 2 1/2 year old from a previous relationship and after a month of trying to be a mother to both with no help, I realized I just couldn’t handle it. Emotionally, Physically, or financially! I made the decision to give my baby up for adotion and continue raising my 2 year old. It felt it was in both of their best interests. Most of my family was very supportive and helped me out. Especially my mother. My aunt knew of a family who had been struggling for years with fertility and wanted a baby badly. They had not yet considered adoption but when my aunt spoke to them about it they quickly accepted. We began the process. It was very very hard for me but I forced myself to stay strong! I was allowed through the state of Michigan 7 days to change my mind. 3 days after I signed the paperwork, and the countdown began my best friend of 7 years committed suicide! I couldn’t seem to grieve for both at the same time. My life became so shook up. After a couple months.. I was doing okay. I kept in touch with the birthmom some as we’d agreed to an open adoption. We talked on the phone a little, emailed, sent letters. We continued to do so for the next year or so until I she decided that it was best that we only communicate through letters. Then about another year letter I apparently expressed too much emotion in regards to loving my birthson that she decided only 2 letters per year. Another year went by, and that turned into 1 letter per year. Now, after 4 years the contact has been cut back to 1 correspondence per year, and I can’t even send it directly to them. I have to send it to their attorney. I agreed to an open adoption. I had become okay with the one letter a year until that came along. This July for his fourth birthday I custom made a birthday card with pictures of me, and my new fiance’ and my birthsons two half brothers and about a month later I recieved a letter from their attorney reminding me that I’m only to send my correspondences through him and if I don’t respect the limits that the adoptive parents have set that they will no longer send me any updates! Needless to say, I’m not very happy with the adoption. Do I want my birthson back! YES! Will I ever go through with it? Absolutely not. I would never traumatize him like that. He has been with his adoptive family since he was just a couple months old! That’s his mommy and daddy! I have two other children that I would never wish being torn from me upon…why would I want that for my birthson! I don’t agree with birthmothers changing their mind to a certain point…up to 6 months old maybe..but beyond that…birthparents need to deal with it. Everybody has a different story, this is true! But your story shouldn’t matter when it’s going to scar a child for the rest of his/her life! We need to be the adults and be responsible about the decisions we’ve made. Do I wish that my b-son’s a-parents would have let me have more contact..of course! I always will. We agreed to an open adoption and they knew at the time of the adotion I had hoped for a visit every couple years or a phone call from time to time…now I’ve nothing! Some of which is my own fault apparently for sharing to much with them at times…but I’ve been punished enough for that. Now I don’t know what to do. I could probably hire an attorney and fight to get a contact agreement put in writing. But I’ve got two boys in my life that need their Mom to be strong for them…I’ll never let them see me fall apart of this..but that doesn’t mean I don’t! I’ll have to answer to them someday too when they are older. So for all you birthmom’s out there considering adoption…be sure to take your time with the decision and if your already sure that’s what you want, choose your family wisely. And for all the adoptive parents out there, we’re not all birthmoms who don’t care. Most of us really did give out children up in love and we really do just want to see them grow up, and hear their laughter! Don’t take that away from us too! I’d love to hear everyone’s responses and I know this post won’t show my email, and I’ll probably never find this website again. So please email me your comments, advice, or your story! chlsmrs@yahoo.com
CHelsea I am sad for you, it seems as if the adoptive parents may fear you trying to take the child back, maybe if they understood your real intentions they would honor the original agreement.
Hi Steev,
How about these reasons?
1) Birthmothers aren’t given all the facts prior to signing the papers. They are told they have 3 options: adoption, abortion, and being a parent. But they aren’t given information to help them make an educated decision. When working with an adoption agency, they are given a lot of information about adoption— but never about anything else. And even the information they are provided about adoption is (many times) limited.
2) Birthparents are still lied to about legalities, altho it happens much less frequently than in the past. The law says a non-biased person has to be present during the signing of the relinquishment papers to make sure undue pressure/threats aren’t made about the signing. But that doesn’t mean those statements haven’t been made between the adoption representatives and the birthmother when others are not present. I can vouche for that personally. I was told if I changed my mind, I would have to pay back all the expenses— which is illegal— and that if I decided to keep her, I had to “prove” I could support her or the agency would report me to CPS.
3) as for taking responsibility—- your implication is that placing is the responsible thing to do, but raising is not(responsible) if we want our children back. in every other unity/relationship, we’ve built in escape mechanisms. If marriage fails, divorce is an option. If a business partnership fails, dissolution of the entity can be executed. If we make a purchase and change our mind, we have return policies. But adoption is supposed to be permanent? If that’s the case, then it should also not be an option for adoptive parents to get out of the adoption either. In the moment they decide to take the child, they should not be able to reneg. But, alas, adoptive parents are given that luxury—- they can call the agency and give the child back. And if the adoption decree has been finalized, they have the option of giving the child to CPS if they don’t want to parent anymore. So why are birthmothers (who typically are YOUNG and not fully informed of ALL their options) expected to be oh-so responsible and just live with their decision?
In regards to the post from Del: you mention about adoptive parents jumping thru hoops. To add to that concept—- just because 2 people spent years going to doctors for medical diagnosis/assistance with reproduction, doesn’t mean these are the “hoops” they had to jump to in order to adopt. And I think many people fail to remember that.
When it comes to adoption law, the majority of states have few “hoops” in place: criminal background checks, personal references, application, and a certain number of home-study hours (usually less than 20, typically more like 5-10 hours). Then agencies have the option of adding more requirements for the adoptive parents they work with.
But legally— the “hoops” are minimal and really should be expanded. Adoptive parents should be required to attend educational workshops dealing with parenting adopted kids (because there are special needs intrinsic to adoption for kids), as well as having to undergo a medical review/assessment and psychological evaluation.
Why is it that adopters feel they have an entitlement to other people’s children?
Children are not a comodity to be purchased by the highest bidder,they are the flesh and blood of the birth parents.
The universe does not owe infertile people a child.
I just want to say this to those birth parents who relinquished their adoptions– maturity. Obviously there is a lack of maturity. And shame on you for going back on your word.
I’m adopted by means of a closed adoption and have in my adult life, been reunited with my birth parents. I see things differently being not only a Mom myself but a mature adult. Not perfect by any means but still a mature adult. My family I grew up with was a middle class family typical family of four. In comparison my birth families was much different in the respect there is less closeness and compassion. Very distant in many respects. Dont get me wrong, I love both my birth parents but in no way would they have had the love and compasion that my Mom & Dad had for me. I look at all three of my half brothers and see a difference. Money has nothing to do with it-its about what my Mom & Dad gave me that money cant buy(love, ethics, religious foundation, compassion etc…)When you have to work hard at something when you get it you cherish it that much more.
I believe if most parents had to go through all the tests, financial paperwork and hoops that adoptive parents have to go through there would be less children in the world.
I believe that adoption is a total understanding that you have this child in your best interest.
My favorite saying is “anyone can be a Mother or a Father but it takes someone special to be a Mom or Dad”. My Mom & Dad are the two people who raised me. I also believe that by the grace of God my brother & I were placed in my Mom & Dad’s home.
Maureen
Maturity is also knowing that no one “owes” you a baby just because you are infertile. Many of these birth parents were told they were being mature to let their babies go and were very coerced into it by the agency. You are obviously grinding your axe and have hurts that you have to protect by acting very “together” all the while making harsh judgments on people who weren’t “going back on their word.” but just WANTED THEIR BABIES THAT THEY REALLY LOVED. These aren’t decisions or words, these are our children. Maybe your birthparents did not feel the same about you and for that I feel sorry for you, but anyone can see that when an adoptee expresses themselves in the way that you did, there is deep denial and loyalty issues that are overtaking an honest hurt for being “abandoned.” This isn’t about being mature, it is about being human and loving and wanting your baby and feeling scared and helpless, obligated and in my case being TOTALLY lied to about being open. I relied on that and was totally lied to by a woman who was in moral bankruptcy. But hopefully that will change with much prayer and I hope she makes it and I hope she changes. Even if not, I will never tell my son what they have done. Only because I love him enough to spare him that.
Response to lerae – we went through foster care and said we only wanted to adopt children who were free for adoption. They said that was no problem. We were matched and they moved in. There was a final hearing, but the social workers told us it was just a formality, the parents had been give a full year and not completed or committed to anything. This hearing would terminate (although before they told us it was already done) and now all the sudden the father, who they told us was not even in the picture, not even in the country magically appealed and won. We dont know what that means yet, but he was in jail and I cant imagine he would be a good parent. They do not even know him (although he knew he had children). They should have never moved them to us for adoption if there was a possibility. Now, they might get moved again and further screw them up. Way to go CPS. Futhermore the father and his mother (the kids grandmother) are just playing games. They have had a whole year to get the act together and he waits until the last day. There are sometimes when the children should not go back to the parents and while it is important to think of the birthparents people often ignore the pain of the adoptive parents and worse the children who it is not always good to move back and forth. Too many times the kids are removed after another year.
I was adopted by my PARENTS when I was 6 months old. I think it is absolutely horrible when the birth mother decides to take the child back!! I never faced identity confusion, and I never felt like I wasn’t wanted. My parents always made it easy and known to be able to talk about being adopted and ask any questions. My parents are absolutely amazing, and they are who I was supposed to belong to. They are my real parents, end of story!! I have always had a healthy upbrining and I think it would be outrageous to have the “birth people (because they are not in any way a parent) involved in my life. You want to talk about confusion and not knowing where you belong, allowing for the birth people to be involved in a child’s life along with the real parents who adopted the child is what causes the mental breakdowns and psychological issues for the child. It is not right to allow the birth people to be able to have this amazing couple raise the child, nuture the child, take care of the child, pay for everything for the child, and yet the birth people are still called the “real parents” Thats horrible to me. When a birth mother decides to give her baby up for adoption so that it can have a better life, or what not, she is doing it for the benefit of the child. Closed Adoption is the Only Right Choice
HI,about 11yrs ago I came home from work and to find that my daughter was gone and my ex-girlfriend was crying.She tells me that the state had came and took our daughter.She was on drugs thats why she was gone.So we started goingnto court and classes to gain custody back,but she kept doing drugs.I could’ve left her and got my daughter myself but instead I was to busy trying to help her get clean of drugs so we could rais our child toghter.Then about 2yrs later I got in some trouble and went to prison for 5 1/2yrs.So now I been home for 5yrs and some months now,and now been with someone else for 5yrs and we been married for 3yrs.We are very happy together.So now I’m trying to find out what I have to do to get my daughter back that I adorely miss for 11yrs now.Tell me what can I do?
William,
You do not say whether your parental rights were terminated in between the time your daughter was removed from your care and now. If they were and she was adopted, my guess is that your chances of regaining custody are slim-to-none. If she has been in foster care during this time, you can ask a social worker in your state how to proceed. Even if regaining custody is not an option, there may be an opportunity for you to re-establish contact with your daughter, particularly if you can show the positive ways in which you’ve turned your life around. I wish you the best.
Hi! My name is Paulette! I will be having a granddaughter,soon> My son ex girlfriend wants to give the baby up, my son want two keep her. My son really wanted to make thing work with the young girl, But she said she didnt love him, but wants to give the baby away. I dont understand if my son wants his baby why cant she just sign it over to him. He has loved his baby every since he found out she was having his baby. He love this young girl very deeply and she just turn him away. I know they are both young, My son is 20 and she is 19. My son is in collage, and really wants his baby girl. His father and myself will help him with the baby. The young lady still want someone else to take his baby. My son got a lawyer so I hope it works out. Some one was telling him if she gives the baby up that he will have to fight the people to keep his baby. I don’t understand why my son cant just take his baby and raise it him self. He is a good boy. He already has everything for his baby to come home. I love my son and ny granddaughter. We will give the baby a good life and so much love. So please help us. I know we have God on are side but we need more prayers.
I find it hard to believe some of the comments that are made on here about the RIGHTS OF CHILDREN because really that is what it should be all about. The right of a parent to just come in and disrupt the only life that a child has had because he or she decides “hey I am ready to be a parent now” is the most selfish thing I ever could imagine. Having sex and concieving a child does not make a parent,”LOVE,CARING AND PROVIDING” is what makes a parent. Does it matter what the child will go through after being with his or her FAMILYonly to be removed from that home and put in the care of the strangers. Just because a birth mother or birth father decides they are now ready to be parents doesn’t mean they are and in this case who is punished “THE CHILD” because they have been removed from their loving home with their loving parents, their stabilty to now face the unknown. I don’t really get it at all. I have custody of my niece, and she has been with me since she was 6 1/2 months, she is now 2. She hardly gets visits by her Mother or Father. When they do come they seem like strangers to her for a while. I could not imagine her having to be up rooted because they decide they want to be mommy and daddy all of a sudden. We are her family, We take her to the dr. appointments, take care of her when she is sick, get up many times during the night when she wakes up from a bad dream or doesn’t feel well. We provide everything for her and don’t have a problem doing it. I am not going to keep this going, just wanted to give some input so for you that think it is the birth parents right to step in and take a child back out of their home at their convience, it should never be what is right for them. I believe in the rights of the CHILD, that is what is wrong with America, so many people don’t put the child first.
Thank you for reading and Have a great day!
To a loving aunt (parent). I totally agree with you that the child is the only one that matters in these situations. We have been raising my cousin’s baby since birth and she is now 2 1/2 years old and in court fighting for custody of her now. The birth father has never had anything to do with the baby because he didn’t want his wife to know her had a affair and my cousin (the birth mother) was also married and has two other kids. They both decided to give the baby up, but she wasn’t supposed to ever put him on child support or tell his wife. Well in March of 2010 she put him on child support and he still didn’t want the baby. In Sept. 2010 she filed for more child support, so now he wants the baby. We still have the baby and will continue to fight for her well being till the very end. We have always included both of them in the baby’s life and everything was fine til she wanted more money. Mind you, neither one of them have supported this baby, and until June of 2010, he had only seen her about 5 times. Now we are the ones that have to deal with her having noghtmares and begging not to go for visits with him. So I ask everyone that has posted here. Who other than the child pays the highest price for birth parents changing their minds and wanting to take babies from the only home they have ever known, and the only parents they know? It’s these inocent babies that has to pay the price!! So far the courts are still in our favor and she is still with us. Both parents have always had the opportunity to visit with her. As a matter of fact, my cousin (the birthmother) spends weekends with us and we celebrate every holiday and family get- togethers, together all the time. The birth father and his wife used to also attend these get- togethers until his wife found out that he had a affair and fathered this baby. I’m truely sorry for all of you birthmothers and adoptive parents that are affected by birthparents changing their minds, but i beleive there should be a time limit on when you can change your mind and disrupt these babies lives. As for birthfathers, I think if they didn’t know about the baby, then they should have every right to get their baby back within a certain time frame, or at least be able to be a part of that childs life. It’s truely time for laws to be changes to protect thess children and for adoptive and birthparents to work together to do what is right for the child, even if that means making joint families and each being a part of the child’s life. No one’s feelings are more important than the child. They are truely the inocent party in all of this. All adults involved need to think of the child and make sure the child is happy and loved by everyone involved. I would think all adults involved can get along for the child. If not then, it’s time to start loving the child enough to work things out.
Thank you for reading this and I wish everyone a blessed day!
AMEN
In 2002, at 17 I was dating my first true love, we broke up and 2 weeks later I found out we were having a baby. He was aware of our daughter but was not a big part of her life. We did not end up back together instead he ended up being deployed to Iraq 4 days before she was born. He came home and finally got to see her when she was 7 months old. I had already moved on and gotten engaged. We had custody papers drawn up in December 2003 while he was home. He had contact with our daughter but very little and very little financial help until she was almost 2 years old. My now ex-husband adopted my daughter when she was 4 years old. Not because her father was unfit he was overall more absent. He was 7 hours away in the military with no way of making every other weekend visitation and I can agree I probably wasn’t the easiest person to get along with back then either. My daughter will be turning 8 this year.
After, not speaking to my daughters biological father civally in years a few weeks back we sat down and finally got to talk. Not like young teenagers squabbling, we actually talked and I see my daughter in him so much it makes me smile because I remember the good man I loved and we both have grown. Now, I am stuck because I believe that since we have both grown that our relationship could work. Would it be wrong to my daughter or my ex-husband to be with her biological father?
Let me say this also, my daughter and I were welcomed into a wonderful family when she was just a mere 6 weeks old and from that day on we are still family. I don’t feel just because my ex-husband and I are divorced that I am no longer family. I will always be and so will my daughter. We have never been treated like outsiders by my in-law’s. I will always see my ex-husband as her daddy and that will never change for me.
My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for almost 7 years now, including multiple fertility treatment options.
We’ve talked about the possibility of adoption.
THIS is exactly why we are scared to do it. We’re not wealthy, we’d have to come up with the thousands of dollars needed to pay for an adoption, but we have a stable family life with lots of love to give.
Part of me feels like I’m being selfish by refusing to subject myself to the possibility of falling in love with a child only to lose it later because someone changes their mind, but at the same time I know we could give a child an amazing life they wouldn’t otherwise have.
But reading this post, and these comments, scares the crap out of me and just makes me think adoption is not for us. At least not domestically.
I SIT HERE AND READ AND I AM TRULY AMAZED. IM SEEING PEOPLE TALK ABOUT HOW BAD IT IS FOR THE ADOPTIVE FAMILY! ADOPTION IS GOOD THERE ARE PLENTY OF MOTHERS OUT THERE AND CHILDREN THAT NEED IT I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ADOPTION WHEN THESE AGENCIES STEAL CHILDREN!! THEY CAUSE THE PROBLEMS FOR THESE PARENTS HOPING FOR A CHILD. WHY PUT A CHILD UP FOR ADOPTION IF THE MOTHER IS EXPRESSING REGRET FROM THE JUMP. JUST GIVE THE CHILD BACK WHY PUT THEM ON A PICTURE AND SAY THEY ARE READY TO BE ADOPTED. OR IN MY CASE GIVE THE CHILD BACK THE NEXT DAY PRETEND THAT EVERYTHING IS OK AND WAIT 6 MONTHS LATER AND STEAL MY SON OUT OF DAYCARE! WOULD A MOTHER NOT FIGHT TO GET HER CHILD BACK. WHY KEEP GOING FOR A CHILD THAT HAS A GOOD HOME AND IS BACK WITH THE BIRTHMOM….WHY PURSUE THAT CHILD TO PLACE WITH UNSUSPECTING FAMILIES….. SO ITS NOT ALWAYS THE BIRTH PARENTS FAULT THESE AGENCIES ARE CUT THROAT AND ONLY SEE MONEY. THEY COULD GIVE A CARE LESS ABOUT EITHER PARTIES OR THE CHILD. I MEAN IF THEY WERE REALLY CONCERNED ABOUT THE CHILD OR CHILDLESS FAMILIES IT WOULDNT BE SO COSTLY TO “PLACE A CHILD” AND THEN THE ADOPTIVE PARENTS ARE JUST AS VICIOUS IN SOME CASES AS WELL. LIKE MY CASE AFTER AN EXHAUSTING TWO YEARS OF TRYING TO GET MY SON BACK I NO LONGER HAD THE MONEY TO FIGHT AND HAD TO TELL MYSELF THAT I WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO HAVE MY SON EVER AGAIN. BUT OH YEA THIS IS AN OPEN ADOPTION….UMMM NO THE FAMILY WAS SO ANGERED WITH ME THAT NOW SIX YEARS LATER THEY STILL REFUSE TO SEND ME PICTURES OF MY SON. SOMETIMES ITS JUST A NO WIN SITUATION. I JUST PRAY THAT I LIVE TO MAKE HIS 18TH BIRTHDAY AND TRY AND FIND HIM MYSELF!
There seems to be a common thread that these agencies are unethical. Hopefully something can be done about this as this is very disturbing.
I am an adoptive mother who loves my child very much and find a lot of the comments about adoptive parents only being able to do so because they are affluent people with money to throw at whatever new expenditure suits them at that time to be insensitive. My husband and I do not have lots of money, on the contrary we received a grant from the adoption agency that we don’t have to pay back to be able to adopt our child. I do agree that children are not commondities and that they are the flesh and blood of their biological parents, but what all seem to be forgetting is that adoption is “voluntary”. The birth parents make the decision for their children to be adopted, I or my husband did not hold a gun to anyones head and make them do anything. I find that when people don’t know about something they make silly comparisons and insensitive statements. I would encourage people to know and learn more about the process before they start dumping on people who, unfortunately because of issues with fertility have had to start a family in different ways. I also pray that so many of the people who have made comments that make adoptive parents look like desperate people who only care about ingratiating themselves never have to experience what adoption from our point of view feels like. To have so much love in your heart, to want to give someone the best of you and dedicate your life to something greater than yourself and then to have a bunch of people say that you don’t deserve to do that because you were not fortunate enough to have children of your own is really sad. I honestly don’t know another way to describe it, you would think that in this day and age people would not have such a negative and narrow-minded points of view on something that can be so positive. In our culture we are so socially acceptable of everything it is baffling to me how adoption can be such a “taboo” subject. Not being able to have my own children is almost like I have suffered the loss of a child, I love my child like I had given birth to them. Since I will never have anything to compare it to, I will never know any different, all my husband and I feel is love. My husband and I will never know what a child of our own would have looked like, what kind of personality they would have had (mine or his), or any other thing that biological parents get to experience and that is no one’s fault, and no one owes us anything, but we all have the right to choose. My childs birth parent chose adoption and we chose to accept, that simple. I would just caution people to understand that adoptive parents are people to, and adoption is not based on sinister intentions or broken promises. Adoption can be a beautiful thing, complicated, but beautiful for all people involved, especially when we consider that without Jesus Christ none of us would have been adopted into the family of God, we are all adopted.
i might as well start at the beginning…
my 1st daugter was born in 2003 instantly i was bessotted with her, she was the most beautiful being i had ever seen i gave birth to her naturally and the bond was instant, she was my world. my 2nd daughter was born in 2006 and although i had a really easy labour, for some unknown reason i was exhausted an i couldnt find it in myself to pick my beautiful baby up, looking back on it now i am thinking that it was because both my daughters have different fathers and i didnt want my 1st daughter to be pushed out, in the end my second daughter had more attention off her father than me….in october 2006 my 2nd daughter had a pre-natal check up at the local childrens centre, as my partner at the time wanted me to bond with my baby he said that he thought it wuld be a good idea that i take my daughter to the appointment and he would take my 1st born to nursery, being 3 years old she needed to mix with other children, i agreed….after taking my 2nd daughter to her appointment and having to pick my 1st born from nursery the nursery staff called me into a room where they asked me about the welfare of my daughter, to end up showing me a very significant bruise on the top of her thigh! the case was taken to court and the blame was placed with me for failing to protect my 1st born daughter, both of my children were taken in to care of social care services and i fought for them from 4.12.2006-present, i am still fighting for my children as i have constantly said i did not cause the bruise to my daughter. i know have to live with the fact that my two daughters were adopted in 2008 i was supposed to have letter box contact with them twice a year with pictures but i have only recieved 1 letter from the adoptive parents? there was a written agreement with the adoptive parents and just recently i have found out that social care services have now lost contact with the adoptive family…since ive been fighting i have had two more children who are currently in my care, my son is now 19 months and my daughter is now 8 months, the father of my two children i have now is not the father of my 1st two daughters. so now comes the end, my two children (who are in my care now) and i have been through domestic violence been in two refuges and now we are homeless and running in fear of my ex partner, whilst i am trying to protect my children from my ex partner i am also fighting still for my two daughters who were adopted and i actually met the adoptive parents as nice as i thought they were, they now have my two girls and i feel that this is now becoming a battle which i am afraid i might not win, but i will never give up fighting for my daughters who i feel i never should have lost, my feelings on adoption is that yes certain adoptive parents are much better suited to look after children and the heartbreak of not being able to concieve then to get the chance to be a parent, then even after that the chance get cruelly taken from them because of a change of mind is absolutely discusting, to let the adoptive parents get their bond with the baby and then take the baby back, this precious life is not a toy! but also have it known that when children get taken for something that you didnt have no control over then even in written agreement to have letterbox contact and for the adoptive family not to stick to the agreement is atrocious! i understand the hurt from both sides, so all i can say is…..seriously think long and hard about the best interests of the child, as i have…i am not fighting to get them back, i am fighting to my right of letterbox contact as my girls are now settled and happy i wouldnt want to give any reason for my girls to have any psycological pressures put on to them so for now until they are old enough, they are better off with their adoptive family, then if they decide to look for me i can tell them my side of this tragic story and just hope that they will want to know me after.
i hope my story has helped, its not very often that people are blessed with a precious life in a natural way……i hope you can all understand that although i have lost two children i also have two children and i am doing what is best for all four of them. my best wishes to all of you…
I am 15 and I AM adopted. I was reading this article in hopes for some insight. I have maintained a relationship with my birth family and have continually visited them for periods of time. On my last visit I realized something. I didn’t want to come back to my family. I had always known my adoptive life was better for me but as I grew up and matured I realized that they AREN’T my “real” family and to me they never will be. My birth family asked me to stay and I am trying to figure out the legalities of it. Someone told me I had to be 16 and get papers signed by my adoptive parents and then I can live with them. If ANYBODY knows the answer to this it would be greatly appriciated because I truly want to live with my birth family. Its not something that my adoptive parents did or didn’t do. Its just a decision I’ve come up with that would be better for me in my opinion.
Taylor, if you are adopted, then by law the family who adopted you IS your “real family”- – even though they are not your biological family. And if they are gracious enough to honor your birth connections by allowing you to continue to visit your biological family, then it seems that you (and your birthfamily) owe it to them to respect their place in your life. The adolescent years are a time when everybody struggles to define themselves so it’s normal that you are feeling what you’re feeling right now, but try to step back and recognize that you really do have the best of both worlds right now. Your adoptive parents would have to relinquish you for adoption, and your birthparents would have to pass a homestudy and legally adopt you, if you were to legally become their dependent again, and that would undoubtedly be a very painful process for everyone involved. If you wish to live with your birthfamily again, then why not wait it out three more years, until you are 18?
Greetings,
When my daughter was 2 months old her femur was broken. When she was born all the way until she was 2 months old she had used her leg differently than the rest of her limbs. I had asked her dr every time we went in for a check up I had asked him about her leg. He had always responded “well she is just a baby and shes getting to know how to use all of her body parts” I had even asked my mom about it and she had responded the same thing, she also responded your a first time mom so of course your going to over look things, she is fine. The night i found out something was wrong I had asked my mom to babysit for us that night. But I had told her I wanted to take my daughter to the dr first, I told her I was just gona take her in and get it checked out. I wish I would of! I went to the pizza place down the street and to the pool hall, also down the street. I wasn’t even gone for 40 minutes when my ex had called me and said ” Her leg is swollen, I think you should take her in.” So I took her to the dr and her leg was swollen when we took her diaper off. The dr had said its probably just a hip infection because there was no redness on her skin or any bruising. Than they took an x-ray and found out her femur was fractured. At that time I had no idea what to think. Well to shorten this up a bit, I moved into my moms and step dads right after with my daughter. I had moved out of my moms when I had just turned 17 yrs old. I didnt get along with my step dad very well. His idea of discipline was a smack on the head or across the face if you did anything wrong, even spill his drink, it would a quick smack, I couldn’t live that way. So I left. Well when I moved back all I heard was I was a bad mother and I already had to see my daughter in a full body cast everyday. I cried myself to sleep every night. I started falling into a deep depression. I wasnt able to speak to any of my friends or anybody. I wasnt able to leave the house. I asked DFS if we could leave and go stay at a foster home and my case worker always said well give it a little bit and it will get better. It didnt! I ended up leaving and I couldnt take my daughter with. So I got visitation rights. I had a public defender and she told me it looked like they were going to taker her away from me so I should sign my rights away so later on down the road when I was stable enough to have her. Well my mom adopted her and I have been in and out of her life since. She is now 6 and I have been in her life solidly for almost 2 years now. I get her on weekends because those are my days off. Now my mom is pulling away and not letting me see her. I am very responsible with my life. I have a job, a roof over my head , and a vehicle. I live my life the right way and strive to do right every day. I have asked her for her back and she refuses. Please help me and give me an open door on how I can try to get her back. I dont have enough for a lawyer and legal aid said Im on my own. So please give me some advice. There is not a day that goes by that I dont think about her at least half of the day. My mom is having a hard enough time taking care of her and my sisters as it is. Please anything helps. Thank you!
Ok i am a mother who has had two kids put up for adoption and it was not my fault.. I was abused my a boyfriend at the time and they thought it wasnt a safe place for my kids,, My son was 3 and my daughter was 2 at the time… I agreed it wasnt safe but they said they where just taken my kids away to make sure i did not get back with my boyfriend at the time.. well cps lied to me over and over again i did every thing they asked me to do and 2 years later they still didnt give me my kids.. and its been 4 years and i still havent gotten back with my ex i am married now with two kids.. a boy and girl.. i did every thing cps asked me to do and still got no where and then at the end it was to late and i was threated by them to give my rights up something i did not want to do.. and i just found out that i can possibly get them back.. and imma go for it.. they wherent taken away cause they where abused they where taking away cause i was and i was told they shouldnt have even been taken away that the cps worker that showed up was suppose to help me but she didnt want to do the hassle… so please show a little respect to birth parents cause some times its not their fault..
I gave my baby boy up for adoption when I was 18. I did not want to, but because of the circumstances (being completely broke, having no where to stay because my parents told me they would not support me or my child, and the father of my baby boy was facing serious criminal charges) I felt it was the only thing I could do to make sure my son had THINGS. I knew I could love him without a doubt, but at that age I was concerned with the material things, like a crib, clothing, car seat, bla bla and a place to stay. I was convinced by my parents and the adoption agency and the social worker they sent to my house almost everyday while I was nearing the birth of him to ensure that my mind stay on track as far as giving my son up for adoption. (adoption is big money for attorneys and adoption agencies). To make a long story short, 15 years later I still regret the fact that I didn’t try harder to keep my son. When I look back on it now, I see that I was very naive though, but that wouldn’t have made me a bad parent and non-deserving to keep my own child! It’s as simple as this: I should have stood my ground and asked a shelter or good people at a church to help me keep my son and not listened to all the people who were against me, not for me, including my own family. If I could change one thing in my life, it would be that I never gave my boy away to people I didn’t even know! One more thing: I recently found my son on facebook. I wasn’t supposed to know the last name of the family who adopted my son, but I knew. So I looked him up on facebook. I have recently spoke with him. He said he loves me and forgives me. But the adoptive family has stepped in the way and has stopped all contact between him and me. Now all I do is feel like a nobody to him and that is the worst feeling ever. I wonder what he really thinks about me. I mean, surely it goes through his head a bit that I was or am just a weak individual who didn’t fight to keep him . It’s a horrible feeling to know your child is out there with strangers and you don’t even know what they are telling your child about you! and they don’t even know you. Adoptive parents a lot of times brainwash the kids to not like or not even be concerned or interested in their birthparents. They really do that. They can be very selfish people. The adoptive mom has had no consideration to even send me pictures of him when he was a baby or him now. If you read through all of this, you might be considering adoption. All I have to say is, right now things are hard for you, but it won’t be that way forever. Things change quickly. Circumstances change. I mean, let’s say you don’t have anywhere to go after your baby is born because your parents won’t help you. You can give your baby to strangers and POSSIBLY NEVER SEE IT AGAIN or THE KID MAY NEVER FORGIVE YOU or MAYBE YOU’LL MEET UP FOR ONE DAY WHEN HE’S LIKE 30 AND CURIOUS ABOUT YOU OR EVEN 18 AND CURIOUS ABOUT YOU. DON’T THINK THAT WHEN HE IS 18 HE IS GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH YOU ALL THE TIME. YOU WILL BE AN OLD PERSON COMPARED TO HIM AND HE HAS A LIFE TO LIVE! I MEAN, YOU COULD BE 30 WHEN HE IS 18, BUT THAT IS OLD TO AN 18 YEAR OLD. AND LIKE I SAID, THERE IS A CHANCE HE MAY NEVER WANT TO SPEAK TO YOU! YOU MAY GO YOUR ENTIRE LIFE NEVER KNOWING YOUR CHILD!!!!! YOU THINK NOW “OH, IT’S JUST TEMPORARY, KINDA LIKE A BABYSITTER UNTIL HE IS AN ADULT.” NOPE. THOSE BIRTH PARENTS ARE GOING TO RAISE HIM AS THEIR OWN AND THEY ARE GOING TO DO IT THEIR WAY AND IT COULD BE TO INFLUENCE HIM TO NEVER WANT TO KNOW YOU!!!!! BELIEVE ME ALSO, DON’T BELIEVE EVERYTHING THE ADOPTIVE PARENTS TELL YOU IF YOU MEET THEM BEFORE YOU GIVE THEM YOUR BABY.
To the mothers and or fathers that have made the selfless sacrifice in giving your baby/child life, and to give them to a loving family when you knew your life could not offer them one. You are amazing!
But to those who change their minds, oh so sad, to see how biological mothers/and or fathers are not is thinking about the child. As adults and teens, you make the difficult decision on adoption. You made your choice how ever you determined it. Then after a baby now has a mommy and or daddy, and is the only family they know, you want to rip them from their life and the love and security they only know. How dare you? I cannot imagine as a child being ripped my parents arms at the age of 2, and given to a stranger. Yes, you are a stranger. What ever your reasons were, this is the outcome. It seems their definition of putting the child first, is really putting themselves first, no matter how traumatized the child is. It is not about what is best for the birth parent or adoptive parent, it is what is best for the child. And if you think taking them from the only family they know is best for them, then shame on you.