A growing concern among adoptive parents (and those who plan to adopt) is how to deal with the difficult issues that may accompany adopting a “damaged” child.
Just this week, I’ve had several conversations with people who are grief-stricken, angry, and at a loss as to what to do when the older child they adopted (either from foster care or internationally) begins acting out the same abuses he/she received. Most frequently, I hear about an adopted child sexually “grooming” or abusing siblings and/or being sexually aggressive toward parents of the opposite sex.
Some therapists recommend dissolving the adoption (returning the child to foster care or finding a new adoptive home for him/her) when these behaviors occur. I’ve heard of several instances in which parents discover they are unable to cope with the behaviors (or their other children are in danger because of the behaviors) and a new family who is specially trained to deal with these particular challenges is found.
Most adoptive parents find the thought of dissolving an adoption appalling, especially after they’ve put so much effort into bringing the child into their family. A huge amount of guilt accompanies the decision to dissolve an adoption. Parents feel guilty that they were unable to cope with the challenges and they grieve for their child, feeling that yet another person has failed the child.
When an adoption is dissolved, parents receive conflicting opinions from those around them. Some accuse them, saying that they made the decision to adopt so they should put up with what they get, no matter what. Others assure them they did the right thing. It’s a gray area of adoption, to be sure.
Let’s discuss this important topic, folks. I invite those of you who have lived through extremely difficult situations to share your views.
- What works?
- What doesn’t?
- Are there situations in which it is better to dissolve an adoption?
- What are some workable alternatives to dissolving an adoption?
- Where can one find support when facing difficult challenges?
- Is it possible for a parent to protect other children in the home from a child who acts out sexually? If so, how?
If you want to remain anonymous, please e-mail me and I’ll post your comment without your e-mail address attached.
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