Readers ask me this question on a weekly basis. Here are two of the most recent permutations:
My husband and I adopted our first two sons from birth. We brought each of them home from the hospital and we had always planned on it being a “known” thing that they were adopted. Our oldest son, who is bi-racial, is now 6; and the other is 5. Neither of them have ever asked ANY questions and we just haven’t felt right about sitting them down and having the “talk” with them.
We have never lied to them about anything, but nothing has ever come up. We want to talk to them, but just don’t know the right way to do it. We love them with every fiber of our being! I have since birthed two children and I can assure you there is absolutely no difference in the love! We have prayed so hard for God to prepare their hearts when we do tell them so they won’t see it as a negative thing. Any advice?
And another one:
I’m the mom of a 2 ½-year-old adopted daughter. When is the best time to tell her the truth?
There’s no time like the present when the issue is talking with your child about adoption. Children up to about age 7 have very little concept of what it means to be adopted, so of course they’re not going to ask questions about it. But that doesn’t mean you should wait until they’re 10 or 15 or 18 or 30 to tell them they were adopted.
Adoption is not a dirty little secret that needs to be covered up. It’s not weird or strange. In simplest terms, “adoption” describes a legal means by which a child enters a family.
And while “adoption” will always be a part of your child’s identity, it does not encompass the entirety of who your child is. By fearing to tell your child he/she was adopted, you are falling prey to the very stereotype you hoped to avoid: you are announcing to your child that adoption is weird and strange. Your child will certainly pick up on those vibes, and will assume, by association, that he or she must be weird or strange.
Parents: You are an adult. It is your responsibility to discuss adoption with your child, openly and honestly, in age appropriate ways, from the minute your child enters your family. Just as you should talk with your child about sex in age appropriate ways as he grows (rather than having “the talk” when he’s 16 and hoping you’re not too late), talking about adoption should be done on a regular basis.
If you’re kicking yourself because you realize you’ve waited too long to begin discussing adoption with your child, don’t give up hope. Don’t assume that if you tell your child now, he’s going to hate you for the rest of his life (chances are, he may resent you for a while, but in the long run, he’ll appreciate you telling him).
And don’t avoid telling your child because she came from a situation in which she was abused…or her birth parents are in prison…or she was conceived during a rape…or any of the other excuses parents use to avoid sharing the awful truth. When your child is 3 or 6, she doesn’t need to know the gory details of her past. But you can explain to her that you adopted her, and reiterate how happy you are that she’s a part of your family and that you have the privilege of parenting her. As your child matures, you should reveal additional pieces of her history until she has the whole picture.
Kids are perceptive. If you’re trying to hide something, they’ll know it. And they’ll dig until they discover what you’re hiding. Wouldn’t you rather they learned the truth from you, as opposed to a cousin, a friend on the playground, or a complete stranger?
Kids are resilient. They can handle the truth and bounce back much easier than adults can. Begin bringing up adoption as a part of your everyday conversation, and gently begin to discuss your child’s adoption with him or her. You’ll all be glad you did.
I go into greater detail on many other questions in my book: The
Adoption Decision: 15 Things You Want to Know Before Adopting
.
Check out my Exploring Adoption bookstore for more book recommendations.
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
I agree with you, Laura, you must start early and adoption is a beautiful word!! If a parent talks to their children about adoption as a negative then that is exactly how the child will perceive adoption but if the parent talks about the beautiful miracle adoption is and how we too are adopted as God’s very own through Jesus Christ (Ephesians 1:5) then the child will see the beauty of adoption and how it is mirroring what He did for us!
All of our children we adopted know they are adopted and know that it was a miracle and a blessing and the funny thing is our daughter, Grace, who we birthed tells us she wishes she was adopted (she is 2!!). This is because adoption is a wonderful word in our home.
As an adoptive parent, my heart goes out to the parents of biracial and transracial adopted children, and the children too, of course. Communication is so key in these situations with kids that most likely don’t look like the parents.
My thinking is that although the kids don’t say anything, their sense of belonging (or not) is impacted. And as adoptive parents that the last thing we want to be doing … negatively impacting the children we brought, in an act of love, into our homes.
My three boys have the same skin color as me so I have to bring adoption up. It’s an on purpose thing. We’ve read age-appropriate stories to them. We’ve rented kid movies with adoption themes. We’ve had Happy Adoption Day with all the party trimmings. On these occasions we talk about their adoptions. We look at their baby books. We talk about it anytime, anywhere, with anybody.
I don’t think they fully grasp the entire picture but like you say, Laura, it’s a process. I don’t like the ‘wait until the moment is right’ thinking.
My prayer for the parents that are not so sure what to do is that God help them be more creative and fun with Him as their Adoptive Father starting today. And that the fun and creativity spill over into the lives of their forever children here on earth. Amen.
Linda L. Hargrove,
celebrating adoption during November at http://17seeds.blogspot.com
I absolutely agree! But unless you tell about birth parents, you haven’t told your child he/she is adopted. They need to know THEIR story, in age appropriate ways, from the beginning. That has to begin with, “You grew in your birth mother’s tummy until it was time for you to be born . . .”
Without information about birth parents, you’re not giving the child the information about adoption that allows them to ask the questions they need to ask.
Yes, tell about that happy day where the child joined your family — but you have to start BEFORE this point for your child to really know what adoption means.
Malinda,
You are right on! I didn’t discuss it in this particular article, but the underlying reason many parents don’t tell their child he/she was adopted is because they are afraid to discuss the child’s birth parents.
Many parents would rather ignore the birth parents’ story or pretend they don’t exist. I think that is ultimately harmful to the child. Even if an adopted child’s birth parents have a less-than-stellar past, they still deserve to know that they exist. As the child matures, parents can reveal more information about birth parents, in age-appropriate ways.
Even in open adoptions, in which birth and adoptive families have ongoing contact, it’s important to continue sharing information about birth relatives.
Right on, right back at you, Laura! I’m amazed at the number of people who’ll tell me, “OF COURSE, I’ve told my child she’s adopted,” but then say they haven’t mentioned anything about birthparents!
My 5yo son has had age-appropriate information about his adoption from the beginning. One of the earliest things we did was to add a prayer for his “first family” to our evening prayers. This introduced the idea that he has a past and that it is positive. I tell him frequently that his “first mom” loved him very much and so do we, his “forever family.” I don’t use the word “adoption” directly with him very much, but he hears it when I talk to other people (and now that he’s old enough, I try to include him in these conversations, rather than talk about him like he’s not there). And when these people talk in whispers, or when kids seem “weirded out,” I make it clear that we are open about it and it’s not a big deal. (The conversations come up because our son is a different race from us and from his little brother, our biological son).
.-= Robyn´s last blog ..The New York Times and Maureen Dowd on the Catholic Church Abuse Scandal =-.