Comments on: When Should I Tell My Child He Was Adopted?

By: Robyn

Robyn — Mon, 05 Apr 2010 23:06:50 +0000

My 5yo son has had age-appropriate information about his adoption from the beginning. One of the earliest things we did was to add a prayer for his “first family” to our evening prayers. This introduced the idea that he has a past and that it is positive. I tell him frequently that his “first mom” loved him very much and so do we, his “forever family.” I don’t use the word “adoption” directly with him very much, but he hears it when I talk to other people (and now that he’s old enough, I try to include him in these conversations, rather than talk about him like he’s not there). And when these people talk in whispers, or when kids seem “weirded out,” I make it clear that we are open about it and it’s not a big deal. (The conversations come up because our son is a different race from us and from his little brother, our biological son).
.-= Robyn´s last blog ..The New York Times and Maureen Dowd on the Catholic Church Abuse Scandal =-.

By: malinda

malinda — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 02:35:45 +0000

Right on, right back at you, Laura! I’m amazed at the number of people who’ll tell me, “OF COURSE, I’ve told my child she’s adopted,” but then say they haven’t mentioned anything about birthparents!

By: Laura Christianson

Laura Christianson — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 00:43:43 +0000

Malinda,
You are right on! I didn’t discuss it in this particular article, but the underlying reason many parents don’t tell their child he/she was adopted is because they are afraid to discuss the child’s birth parents.
Many parents would rather ignore the birth parents’ story or pretend they don’t exist. I think that is ultimately harmful to the child. Even if an adopted child’s birth parents have a less-than-stellar past, they still deserve to know that they exist. As the child matures, parents can reveal more information about birth parents, in age-appropriate ways.
Even in open adoptions, in which birth and adoptive families have ongoing contact, it’s important to continue sharing information about birth relatives.

By: malinda

malinda — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 00:17:26 +0000

I absolutely agree! But unless you tell about birth parents, you haven’t told your child he/she is adopted. They need to know THEIR story, in age appropriate ways, from the beginning. That has to begin with, “You grew in your birth mother’s tummy until it was time for you to be born . . .”
Without information about birth parents, you’re not giving the child the information about adoption that allows them to ask the questions they need to ask.
Yes, tell about that happy day where the child joined your family — but you have to start BEFORE this point for your child to really know what adoption means.

By: Linda Hargrove

Linda Hargrove — Tue, 27 Nov 2007 21:50:54 +0000

As an adoptive parent, my heart goes out to the parents of biracial and transracial adopted children, and the children too, of course. Communication is so key in these situations with kids that most likely don’t look like the parents.
My thinking is that although the kids don’t say anything, their sense of belonging (or not) is impacted. And as adoptive parents that the last thing we want to be doing … negatively impacting the children we brought, in an act of love, into our homes.
My three boys have the same skin color as me so I have to bring adoption up. It’s an on purpose thing. We’ve read age-appropriate stories to them. We’ve rented kid movies with adoption themes. We’ve had Happy Adoption Day with all the party trimmings. On these occasions we talk about their adoptions. We look at their baby books. We talk about it anytime, anywhere, with anybody.
I don’t think they fully grasp the entire picture but like you say, Laura, it’s a process. I don’t like the ‘wait until the moment is right’ thinking.
My prayer for the parents that are not so sure what to do is that God help them be more creative and fun with Him as their Adoptive Father starting today. And that the fun and creativity spill over into the lives of their forever children here on earth. Amen.
Linda L. Hargrove,
celebrating adoption during November at http://17seeds.blogspot.com

By: Aimee

Aimee — Tue, 27 Nov 2007 16:59:00 +0000

I agree with you, Laura, you must start early and adoption is a beautiful word!! If a parent talks to their children about adoption as a negative then that is exactly how the child will perceive adoption but if the parent talks about the beautiful miracle adoption is and how we too are adopted as God’s very own through Jesus Christ (Ephesians 1:5) then the child will see the beauty of adoption and how it is mirroring what He did for us!
All of our children we adopted know they are adopted and know that it was a miracle and a blessing and the funny thing is our daughter, Grace, who we birthed tells us she wishes she was adopted (she is 2!!). This is because adoption is a wonderful word in our home.