We adopted our sons when they were newborns, and adoption has always been a normal part of the vocabulary around our home.
When Ben was 6 years old and Josh was 3, we went to the hospital to meet one of their newborn cousins. The boys looked around in wonderment. Babies were born in hospitals!
“I thought all babies came from the adoption agency,” remarked Ben.
We have never led our sons to believe that all babies originate at the adoption agency; that was just their assumption. To them, adoption is the normal way to join one’s family; they thought it odd that babies appear on the scene in any other way.
When Should You Tell Your Child Who His Birth Parents Are?
Recently, I spoke with an adoptive mom who shares an open adoption with her oldest daughter’s birth mother. Her daughter, age 4 ½, has always known her birth mother. However, she doesn’t know that the woman is her
birth mother – she thinks she’s just a good friend of the family.
I recommended that the parents and birth mom reveal the identity of the birth mother sooner, rather than later. I believe that the girl will be less apt to resent her parents and her birth mother for keeping secrets, which will save everyone potential heartache in the long run.
Children are so resilient…if the girl learns who her birth mother is now, at age 4, in a couple of years, it will seem as if she’s always known who her birth mother is.
There are two viewpoints about when to discuss adoption with your children.
Theory #1 recommends postponing the discussion of adoption until the child is between the ages of 5 and 7. At that age, say some psychologists, the child will have the inner strength to incorporate and cope with the information.
Theory #2 recommends discussing adoption from the moment the child comes into the family.
I adhere to Theory #2. We have shown our sons photos of their birth parents since they were infants, and we have identified them as their birth parents since day one. We display pictures of their birth families on our fridge (including siblings, grandparents, cousins, etc.) along with the rest of our extended family. I’m hopeful that our sons are growing up with a healthy view of both adoption and of their birth parents.
Yes, I realize that our sons silently grieve over what is often referred to as “the primal wound.” I realize that they wonder why their birth parents made an adoption plan for them. I realize that they may struggle with attachment issues and with rejection issues, even if they aren’t able to articulate them. And I do my best to make sure they feel loved, accepted and welcomed, by both their birth and adoptive parents.
Jeanne Stevenson-Moessner says it well in her book, The Spirit of Adoption: At Home in God’s Family
“It is essential that adopted children be helped to understand that relinquishment can be tenderly undertaken. Hopefully, the pain of being given up, which connotes abandonment, can be ameliorated with the understanding that an adopted child is given to a welcoming family, a phrase implying loving intent. When possible, it is beneficial to tell adopted children how lovingly the plans for adoption were made. It is of utmost importance that adopted children be told of how expectantly they were awaited, how they grew to life in the hearts of their adoptive parents.”
{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }
I was eighteen hours when I was adopted. My parents told me so young I can’t even pinpoint it. I had books on adoption and how it made me special. I think the reason it’s never been such a big deal to me or my family it we didn’t treat it as anything special. Because the reason I was given up was something a child shouldn’t hear (I was the product of an affair.) they waited and told me why when I was nearly ten because by then it didn’t matter. A lot of people make it more complicated by waiting. The younger a child is the less of a negative impact it is. When you’re older you’re pretty much set in your ways and finding that out is a huge blow after all if you can’t trust your family how can you trust anyone? Another thing don’t be worry about questions about they’re biological parents it doesn’t mean they want to leave you they just want to know. One of the only things I regret about my adoption is it was a closed one. The records are sealed and I know nothing about my genetic background let alone any half-siblings. Closed adoptions do more than just keep out the biological parents it hurts the child.
I think you should tell your child that they are adopted. But you should start telling them when they are like 4 or 5 years old. That way they can handle it better than if you wait till they are 7.
I`m a mother of an adopted daughter.She`ll be 21 in March and has no idea as far as I know thats she`s adopted.Her dad and I took her straight from the hospital because her birthmom was heading to prison for abusing her sister. Her birthfather is dead and I don`t know where her birthmom lives at this time. My exhusband doesn`t want me to tell her she`s adopted he say`s she doesn`t need to know,I think she has a right to know where she came from,she has medical problems I haven`t explain to her because they were caused by her birthmom.What do I do or how to I go about telling her without making her hate me?
I’m not sure if there is a right or wrong way to tell your adopted child about how they came to be in your family. My husband and I are expecting to adopt soon ourselves. We have spent a lot of time thinking about what would be best for us. I’ve read many books and I’ve read of various situations and experiences from various perspectives. I even have a brother and sister in law who were adopted in a closed adoption, but they have always known they were adopted.
What my husband and I plan to do is make a scrapbook with pictures of the birth family and explain that these are the people who created you for us and God led them to us because we wanted you so much. We will explain that he/she grew in this lady’s tummy just like all babies grow in girl’s tummies. Then we will let the baby know from the time they can sit up and look at the pictures that their birth family loved them very much and wanted them to have the best parents, opportunities and more love than any other child and that is how they came to live with us. Every mother gets to decide if she thinks she would be the best mom or if someone else would be a better mom and your mom thought that she wasn’t able to be the best mom for you because of xyz.
I’m so pleased to find this article. I was also an adopted child, and recently posted an something on my own blog making exactly this point. The truth is what we have to deal with eventually. It is much easier when it is always there, and not some huge change in our self-definition at a later age.http://celera.eponym.blog
Im a young adopted person of 18, i was told about being adopted when i was 11 but from 17 upwards things have gotten alot more serious, i have met, talked and spent a day or soo with my sister and birth mum, but things are starting to go sour, my adopted mother and father are getting jelouse, jelouse that im now talking to my birth mum and my sister.
I would have realy wanted support on this matter but there trying there hardest to stop this from going any further, im Emotionally and Mentaly drained from all of the arguing and shouting, i hate hurting peoples feeling but no mater what i do, i seem to hurt people, i dont know what to do, im a quite lad and i bottle things up, although i havent spoke or lived with my birth mother or sister for over 17 years once theye were back in my life feeling have started to emerge for them, im begining to become protective of my sister and i think abut them every day.
A few moths ago they came up from Luton, where they live to where i live Newcastle and i have to say, it was the best weekend of my life, but like most things, once tried you want more of the same, and i cant, so what im really saying is,
I think i need help coping with all of this, i was wondering is there a site or a service i can use to talk to someone, i wont check back here so if anyone can help email me or add my msn, im always on, Vertigo_90@hotmail.co.uk thanx for your time and yeah… Cheers
Edd,
I would suggest contacting an adoption agency in your area to see if they can refer you to a counselor who specializes in adoption issues. Having someone to talk with who’s trained in the types of things you’re experiencing will really help.
my adoptive parents started to tell me i saw adopted before i could understand because they wanted me to know so i have known for about 20 years and it helps to eas the pain.
My elder sister adopted a baby girl at birth. The adopted baby girl is now 8 years old. My sister is planning to tell her adopted daughter that she is adopted. My sister is seeking for my help on how to tell her adopted daughter that she is adopted in a way that she will not be hurt.
In this manner, please enlgihten me on how to help my sister with her plans and situation. Also, what is the right age to tell an adopted child that he or she is adopted?
I would appreciate any help you could extend me and my sister through e-mail.
Thanks a lot.
MY DAUGHTER IS 5 AND I HAVEN’T TOLD HER YET..I AM SO AFRAID TO….I GET TOO EMOTIONAL JUST THINKING ABOUT IT..
I am an adopted child who has grown into a well rounded man of forty years. I have always known that I was adopted and have had great life so far. Three years ago I decided to contact my birth mother. I have always known her name and the circumstances to my adoption so my repose for contact were to thank her for the personal sacrifice she made for me. The relationship we have is wonderful. My adopted parents were ok with my contact, out of respect I asked if it was ok to find her.
Adoption is a wonderful thing. My parent would have never had a family if not for adoption and I would have never had so many people to love me. I will one day adopt too. It is just wonderful doing the right thing.
If my dad were not my biological father, I would not want to know. My loyalty would be to the father that raised me anyway. Why complicate an uncomplicated life and fill my head with thoughts that I don’t need? I just wouldn’t want to know. If nothing’s broke, why try to fix it?
My husband and I adopted our sweet boy in September. I was there when he was born and we brought him home from the hospital at 2 days old. We already talk to him about being adopted. We look at pictures of his other Mama and talk about her. My 2.5 year old daughter knows that her brother is adopted and when you ask her what that means she says “Brother grows in his mama’s body and then he comes to our family. He is adopted.” Frequently she will tell me that she is adopted. We talk about all the ways that people join families and that no way is any better than another. Don’t underestimate your childs ability to work through complicated things. You don’t have to give them all the information at once. Like any other delicate subject you introduce little bits and let your children direct the conversation as questions come up. We believe that feelings of hurt and uncertainty will only increase if your child feels that they have been lied to for their whole lives.
My husband is not the biological father of my daughter. Her biological father and I seperated on bad terms shortly after conception and I have had very little contact with him but I know he didnt want to be a part of her life or have contact. HI have been with my husband since I was pregnant and he is her Dad so far as she knows, we also have a son together. Everyone in all families know but I feel like its a big secret and dont want it to end badly one day. I feel I have to respect my husbands wishes not to tell her yet as he is the one who stands to lose something. She is a smart 6 year old and I think she needs to be told soon before she is old enough to resent not being told sooner and before it gets too hard to broach the subject. How can I convince my hisband?
MY WIFE & I ARE SOON TO BE ADOPTING OUR NEPHEW (MY WIFE’S SISTER’S SON). HE IS THREE YEARS OLD AND HE LOVES HIS MOTHER. HE IS NOT ABUSED OR MISTREATED IN ANYWAY. THE MOTHER JUST DOESN’T WANT THE CHILD. WE WOULD LOVE TO HAVE HIM EVEN THOUGH WE HAVE RAISED THREE GREAT KIDS. I GUESS MY QUESTION IS WHAT DO YOU TELL THIS CHILD WHEN THE ADOPTION COMES AND SHOULD THE MOTHER STAY AWAY A PERIOD OF TIME IN ORDER FOR THE BONDING TO MY WIFE AND I TO TAKE PLACE. WE ONLY WANT WHAT IS BEST FOR HIM!!!
My grandson will be 5 next month. He has not yet been told he is adopted. He loves his family sooo much and we all love him sooo much also. He is such a sweet and tender little guy..and we are afraid he will be hurt when he is told. How do we begin to tell him and how do we ensure he is not hurt by anything and that we say the right words so he will understand? And that he will continue to feel all the love we have for him after he is told?
Thank you.
Are you the ones who adopted him or is it your son or daughter? Either way I often start with a book that is age appropriate and intriduce the idea of growing in another person’s tummy.
WE have a list here at http://www.canadiancoalitionofadoptivefamilies.ca
paula schuck´s last blog ..Father’s Day Friday Finds and Giveaways
Hi! I am an aunt of three brothers
who were adopted by a family 5 years ago. My son and I, along with the rest of our family, really miss them. I dream of them
from time to time. I tried myself
to adopt them, but the adoption
specialist wouldn’t give me the
time of day. I then realized she
was helping this other family with
adopting them. It hurts everyday
that we don’t get to be a part of
their lives. I would love a chance
with having an open adoption with
their new family. If there is any
way someone can talk to them and
let them know that there is a birth relative who would love to be a part of my three nephews new
life. Whether it is by e-mail,
over the phone, through letters,
or in person. Their cousin, my son, ask about them from time to
time. He is 2 months younger than
the oldest. They enjoyed being
together when they were younger.
My son will soon be 10. His cousins that were adopted will be
8,9, and 10 this year. If there
is any way anyone could help I
would be forever thankful, and
blessed.
Sincerely,
Linda N.
My daughter has been with another family since she was two,she is 10 now, and they had given me a verbal agreement that they would tell her at 5 years old; we have an idea that she has not yet told her. How do I address the matter? Right now I’m working on a letter to the people I have given her up for adoption.
I am also adopted, but I didn’t find out till the week before Mother’s Day when I confronted my parents about it. Back in 04 I also asked them and they denied it.
I will be 29 years old in a few weeks and they never thought to tell me – thinking that I would love my birth mother more (but they don’t even know who she is).
At this time, I don’t know whether I am going to search for her or not, but I am so glad it is out in the open now.
Also, I am planning to adopt soon – by the end of the year I should have a newborn in my home.
I believe that a child should know from the very begining
Congratulations Joy. I think a lot of adoptees go on to adopt and they bring a special understanding to that relationship.
Paula
paula schuck´s last blog ..Father’s Day Friday Finds and Giveaways
I am my sons birth mother. My husband adopted my son. This was at his fathers request! When do you tell him he was adopted? He was only 2 when the adoption was final.
Hi. I am a freelance journalist and a mother of two adopted children. I write about adoption and often speak at conferences and cofacilitate a post-adoption support group here. As well I blog about adoption over at thriftymommastips. I know it can be difficult to open the discussion, but we also subsribe to the theory that adoption should be part of your language from day one. It is simple enough when they are babies to read one of the cute adoption books with your child _ Tell Me Again About The Night I was Born by Jamie Lee Curtis – or some other book, and just get used to saying the words. That is the piece that adoptive parents have to work on to be comfortable. I believe the strongest relationships are based on honesty and we cannot keep secrets from our children. We started almost right away with our babies and it was a simple thing holding them and hugging them and telling them :I am so glad we adopted you. We are the luckiest parents on earth. As our two have grown we have answered their questions as they come with honesty and at an age appropriate level. The child does, on an instinctive level, know they are different. They carry it with them. It’s a parent’s job to help them understand and walk through grief, sadness, happiness – all of it.
paula schuck´s last blog ..Father’s Day Friday Finds and Giveaways
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